u/Expert-Ingenuity-143

My (30F) boyfriend (35M) of 5 years developed an addiction to painkillers 4 years into our relationship. We had 4 solid years before this addiction began. He was my best friend, my rock, everything I ever wanted. We’re both complicated people with a lot of baggage, but we clicked and understood each other on a level neither of us ever imagined we’d find. As cliche as it sounds, I believe we are soulmates. He was a recovered heroin addict with 8 years clean when we met. Throughout the first 4 years of our relationship, he only drank and smoked pot. He never touched, or had the desire to do anything harder. He was so responsible. He gave me a safe and stable life I’ve always craved. Then about a year ago, he befriended someone with a pill addiction, and started doing them casually, and within a couple months it spun into a full blown addiction. He’s no longer the person I used to know. He lies, he hides things, he recklessly spends money abandoning all of our responsibilities. He’s so high and numb all the time that he has no cares in the world for what how he’s hurting me. He hardly wants to speak to me or be around me anymore and I feel like he hates me. I know he doesn’t, I know it’s the addiction. I’m the only one who truly knows how bad he is, so I’m enemy #1. For months i’ve been dealing with this and I’ve fallen into the deepest depression. I’m grieving someone who’s still alive, and the person who used to make my pain go away is the one who’s causing it, and I don’t know how to cope. Every time I bring it up it just turns to a fight. His answer is “just leave then” which I know he doesn’t want, but it’s easier to just write me off than to acknowledge what he’s done to me. He’s so numb all the time that his heart and his morals and his personality are gone. He has no feelings about me or anything anymore, so no matter how much I cry and tell him how much it’s affecting me, it doesn’t phase him. I know I can’t love him into stopping. I know it’s a battle within himself. I know he’ll only stop because he’s ready. But how do I know when it’s gone too far and it’s time to give up? I don’t want to, because sober, he’s my person. But every day I live in hope that he’ll come back, and every day is disappointment when he doesn’t. How gone is too far gone?

TLDR: Boyfriend of 5 years developed a drug addiction a year ago and is a totally different person now. How long do I wait and hope he comes back? When do I give up?

I, 30F, have somehow spiraled into a life consuming addiction out of nowhere. My entire life I was never innocent, but I never had substance abuse issues. I rarely drank. I usually was always the DD when I went out because I was usually always the one sober person. I rarely smoked pot. I didn’t like anything that made me feel out of control. Occasionally I dabbled, but that was just it. I would go to a bar and drink, maybe do a line or two of cocaine, then be over it for another 6 months or more. Then one day, I dabbled, and it never went away. I casually had one of those once in a blue moon, “let’s drink and party” nights, and something changed inside of me that never did before. I did cocaine that night, and unlike times before, from that moment on, it was all I wanted. It started slow.. a .5 lasting me almost a week. Rapidly increasing to a .5 a night. Then 1g a night. Then easily doing 3-4gs per night. Within 6 months, I lost my job and fell behind on bills, but I still kept going. Once my tolerance built so high that no amount was ever enough, I decided to cut back just to “weekend” usage, but I craved it every day. To cope with the cravings, I started doing painkillers on my off nights just to do something, even though it wasn’t my drug of choice. My tolerance to those built quickly too, so I was then supporting two expensive habits. It got to the point that nothing was ever enough. I was never high enough no matter how much or what kind of drug I did. Someone who never liked being in any form of an altered state of mind quickly became someone who was always chasing a more intense high. I couldn’t get through a day without having some form of drug to look forward to at the end of it, and without anything, I felt empty and like I had no reason to function. I’m still struggling. I’m still fighting. The cravings don’t stop. I don’t get enjoyment from anything I used to. Without using drugs as motivation, I have no desire to even get out of bed. I know I need to change. I am so fully aware of how I’m ruining my life, but I just can’t stop. I used to be so judgmental. I used to say “how do addicts not see how much better their lives could be?” And now I know firsthand, we do see it, but the addiction is such a powerful force. I spend so much time mourning my old life. The boring, comfortable, stable life. Existing in the mundane day to day without constantly chasing a high. But now that I’ve experienced this life, I don’t know if my old one would ever be enough again. Drugs unlocked such an intense pleasure I’ve never felt, and now I feel like I’m doomed to spend the rest of my life seeking that. I feel like nothing in life will ever compare to the drugs, and I’ll never love or enjoy or appreciate anything the way I do drugs. I always struggled with a lack of interests or hobbies to begin with, and without any other passions, I can’t replace this habit. It’s been less than 2 years. My old self isn’t so far away, but I feel like I’m at a point of no return and there’s no hope of ever being who I used to be now. Am I doomed forever? Did 2 years of bad decisions set my fate for the rest of my life? Because it sure as hell feels that way now.