How do I adjust with my mother after staying alone for so long?
Lemme give you the lore first, I was living the best of my life back until April of 2019 hit me with my father's demise, leaving me, my older sister and mother completely devastated but I forcibly kept myself together not shedding a drop of tear until I lit his own body into flames with my own hands. Then came the lockdown and I just kind of completely got into online gaming, life was good with everyone together. Then lockdown got over, we moved placed but we were still together.
Now after 4 years, I completed college, my mom finally got my dad's government job at the old place and my sister got married, then left town. I got left alone at the house we were living in on rent. I could have gone with my mom but the professors at my college loved me and offered me a job of a technical assistant there, I too decided to do Masters from distance and get into academics as a professor. The job didn't pay much but it paid enough for me to survive the unemployment allegations.
Everyday felt like the walls were trying to eat me, I came home from my job and it felt like someone shot me in the head, nothing but pin drop silence. I used to cry, completely crippled just hugging myself on the bed, I saw my hair fall get worse, started sleeping late, almost never had breakfast.
But then things got better little by little I learned how to cook, micro adjusted ingredients in my chai to perfection so at least I can get something of my choice at anytime, had few of my friends over and we used to get stoned, some days drunk and they would love the chicken curry I cooked.
Then a year passed by, I was used to this life. I bought tons to stuff, I started having Shilajit in the morning, Aswagandha in the afternoon and Magnesium Glycinate at night and it kept my life stable.
Then my mom came back, she had faced a lot of harassment at workplace and so she just straight up ditched the job, me and my sister didn't really care because we were good financially all thanks to my dad.
What I didn't realize was staying with her might be a lot more difficult than what I thought. Now don't get me wrong she is a very nice person and thanks to her I can finally get my food on time and everything. The only problem is now that all my ways of distracting myself is gone, there's always this weird feeling of suffocation that I feel whenever I'm at my house as if I'm not free, as if I can't be myself anymore and I just can't bring it up to her. She's nearing her 60s and as the rules go in the Indian households most parents want to stay with their children as they get older.
We talk all the time about a thing or two but every time I talk to her I feel like I need to wear an "I'm Okay" mask so she doesn't suspect anything is wrong with me and I keep asking myself "What is even wrong with me?" and there's no answer, there's this constant thought saying "I want to go home" despite me being in my house. I don't want her to worry regarding all of this, she's probably already had enough at her workplace but I can't bear this constant feeling of suffocation.
I'm sorry for writing a whole essay here but I was very skeptical of posting stuff like this on the internet but now it's slowly becoming unbearable.