u/ExtremeSensitive7278

I wish my father loved me. He may have liked me, but I don’t think he ever truly loved me.

From childhood, I always wanted my father’s love but never really received it. It only got worse as I grew older. When I was a kid, my mom gave me so much love that I didn’t think about it much. But now, whenever I watch reels about fathers loving their daughters, I realise how different I might have been if I had received that kind of love growing up.

It started right from when I was born. My father himself is dark-skinned, yet he was disappointed that I was born dark-skinned too. Apparently, he walked out of the hospital after seeing me.

He paid for my education and made sure we had food and shelter but anything beyond that came with constant begging. I started working at 20, contributed financially (paid him 5k every month) at home and took care of my own expenses too. Still, he always acted like doing the bare minimum was some huge sacrifice.

He has always been a narcissist. He uses abusive words so casually that my mother and I have become numb to them over time. My mother is honestly helpless, but she still tries her best to protect me from it. She’s the best.

I’ve been supporting my family financially since I was 22 because he became unable to work due to illness, mostly caused by years of smoking and drinking. Sometimes I hear him appreciating me to relatives or friends, but at home he is still the same person, disrespecting my mother despite everything she has done for him. He always points out how it is my duty as his daughter to take care of him now.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this right now. I saw a reel of a father and daughter and just broke down because I rarely ever experienced that kind of love. And the few times I did, it lasted only for a few minutes and then him being grumpy again.

Sometimes I wonder how different my life (or me) would have been if I had grown up feeling truly loved by my father.

I’m in a dilemma. I’m in my late twenties and until a few years ago I didn’t want to get married because I was the sole provider for my family (I still am, but I’ve matured a bit now). I also went through a breakup and convinced myself that relationships just weren’t worth it.

But now my family wants me to get married and honestly, my mindset has changed too. I would like to have a companion.

The thing is, I don’t want biological kids. I don’t want to bring children into this world, especially in a country like India and watch them struggle or suffer. The world just feels scary to me sometimes and I love my unborn children too much to knowingly put them through that.

At the same time, I’ve always wanted to adopt. There are so many children in orphanages who deserve love, care and a stable home and I would genuinely love to give that to a child someday.

But I also know not everyone would be okay with this. Most men either want to be completely childfree or want biological children of their own. So now I just feel stuck and don’t really know what to do.