u/ExtremeSilver5572

Both my husband and I have gone through the wringer with each other (read prior post).
Reconciliation is not easy at all. And even harder for us.
We both want to fix everything we’ve done but we are stuck at a cross roads.

I’m afraid I’ll hurt him again and turn back into the person I was for years, and I’m afraid he’ll hurt me again too.

He’s afraid he’ll hurt me again and he’s afraid that I’ll turn back into the horrible person who has mistreated him for years.

Love, care, etc.. it’s touch and go. Most times, he doesn’t believe that I all of a sudden after years of torment, want him and love him again. (Understandable). And I don’t trust that what he really wants is to be with me and fix me.

We are both in individual therapy. His is fairly knew. He feels overwhelmed. Like he’s drowning, and he’s scared. I’ve been in therapy for 2 months now and it has helped tremendously.

He’s telling me that right now, we’re at different paces in fixing our relationship. And he wants me to be patient. But I’m scared that one day, it’ll just be too much. That the patience and the work won’t be worth it and we’ll end up separated anyways.

Advice? Story’s? Anything.
Fear from us both is the biggest hurdle right now.

(Please read my prior post before reading this one)

Anyone who knows our story, knows there is a lot of baggage and trauma and betrayal for us to work through from both of us. Mainly me. Currently, we are trying to get through his “affair” betrayal. He said he feels like he’s drowning. He’s overwhelmed. The guilt and shame eats him alive and he just wants us to move forward. Working through it is very hard. He feels trapped because he can’t change what he’s done. And I feel trapped because the past won’t stop playing in my head. Yesterday, we had a day or our selves. A conversation turned heated then he cried and cried. Sat there telling me he needs help. He said “right now, the betrayal you feel is from someone else, me. But my betrayal I feel right now is from myself and I can’t escape me.” I told him that the past years of hurt and trauma I caused him, is something that tears me down too but therapy has helped. And speaking up has too. The miscommunication part is hard to maneuver because he has a hard time explaining himself and expressing his feelings. That has always been one of our issues, since 14.

Honestly, this is not the biggest hurdle in our relationship as I HAVE years to repair between us. But it doesn’t make this easy at all. Misunderstanding and miscommunication. He has his 1st real therapy session tomorrow as he’s only has had his intake appointment done.

I need advice. This all hurts right now. We’re trying to get through this topic so we can fix the other picture and the years of our relationship I ruined and we were just doing everything wrong. I hurt and he hurts.
How can we move forward with each other calmer, with more grace? As this isn’t a typical “affair” story. And honestly, he’s hurting more than I am. Because of my past and because of his.

A little over 2 months since we’ve decided to reconcile (please read prior post to read up on our story), and I’m stuck here on this stump.
He and I both have taken responsibilities for our wrongs. Have been fully transparent (maybe a little too much.) And are taking steps in reconciliation. But it has been very hard for me.
My husband, he has been trying to do everything right. I say trying because we are still a work in progress. We are still working on building trust again. Intimacy I will say has gotten better. And we have so many rules for each other to make sure we don’t go down the same road we’ve been down. With that being said, I’m still torn. I know I want him. I want to be with him. But I’m just scared. Scared I’ll end up being the same person I was to him for years. Same we’ll end up down the same road. And scared that the resentment we both have for each other will take over again and we’ll never be able to heal together. He’s changed so much. Some of which have been hard to see because of my fear. I just want to make sure we are doing the right thing and made the right decision. Because we already wasted 5 years making every wrong decision and being completely wrong for each other.

For context, please read my prior post. I neglected my husband and told him to be with someone else, and he did.

I know he made the choices he did to go out of our relationship. I know I made it easy by treating him
horribly for years. And by telling him to do so.

But I’m having such a hard time moving forward. I want to fix what I broke, the damage I did, the years of mistreatment I had for him. But I just can’t move forward with his “affair.”

Our story isn’t black and white or text book. It’s complex and there is trauma and resentment healed on both of us. I just need advice on getting through this so that we can get to a place where clue can solely focus on mending our relationship that was pretty much non-existent for 5 years.

Help. Any advice needed.

For anyone who needs context on what’s been going on with my relationship, I have a post prior to this one. Please read. It is pretty lengthy.
With that being said, I need some advice.
I know it’s best to delete all the “proof” all the pain, screenshots, home videos, etc, of how bad I treated him and his “affair”. But I can’t put myself to do it. I don’t understand. I can be good than open my photos and spiral. I don’t know why I can’t delete them. I know it’s for the best. Majority of it is screenshots of messages I sent my husband that were horrible. Texts from his “AP” to me from years. (We were what I thought was friends. But now looking back at texts and calls and how interested she was in my relationship, I can see clearly now what her motive was).
I need advice. Anyone else have this problem?

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. The last 5 years of our relationship, was HORRIBLE. Worst than horrible. I held onto a lot of anger and resentment towards him because of past trauma I have from him and his family. I was also on anxiety medication that numbed me to where I could only feel the anger and resentment (I have since gotten off of it).

Anyways, for the last 5 years before getting off my meds, I treated my husband horribly. I kicked him out of my bedroom to where he was sleeping on the couch. I didn’t kiss him for like 3 years. Sex MAYBE once a month. I would shut him down every time he tried to talk to me or ask me on dates. I wouldn’t answer my phone or text back. There were times where we would be in the same house but I wouldn’t see or talk to him for days. Worst than roommates. I told him horrible things. For years I told him I wanted a divorce, I didn’t love him, I hated him. I told him I wanted him to leave and go be with someone else and to go have sex with anyone else but me because I wanted him no where near me.

In the beginning of March, I stopped my meds cold turkey. Very quickly, I started feeling all the emotions again. I realized quick that I didn’t hate him, i just hated what he put me through. The resentment literally ate me alive. One night a few nights later, something in me clicked and I cried and cried and cried. Went out to him and told him how resentful I’ve felt for years, how the past trauma that was never addressed or healed from made it easier for me to push him away. He let me talk and he listened. I went back to my bedroom where he chased after me, hugged me and told me “that’s the 1st time in years you’ve cried. Or talked to me, or showed me anything other than anger.” That was the 1st time in years we were intimate. Truly intimate.

About 2 weeks later, I found out that he had a prior “affair” with our next door neighbor. Someone who I thought was my friend. She knew every aspect of our relationship. She knew every little detail. She would be at my house everyday. We’ve looked at pictures. Talked about sex. And she knew every bad thing I’ve ever told him. Because either she was around or (and she got caught), she’d spy on us from my bedroom window. She didn’t like her husband and would complain about him everyday. Her kids were my friend’s kids and were here everyday too. It was short lived and purely physical and sexual for him but she was obsessed with him. She told him she had a crush on him from when we first moved here 4 years ago. She said horrible things about me. I read I’m not even joking maybe like 7000 text messages. He never deleted anything and wanted me to see all the proof. Voice recordings. Videos of her walking passed my house crying thinking it was because she was fighting with her husband but found out it was because my husband kept telling her that he was guna tell me what happened and wanted to “fix us”.

The night everything came out in the open, her husband left with her kids. At that time, her and my husband affair was over. He was actually on his way home and was blantly honest and transparent about everything. He tried multiple times to tell me and to tell her husband but she would tell him things like, her husband would kill him and me and my kids, or that if he tells it’ll ruin both their families. He went as far as to text and call her husband but chickened out after she said her husband just got his gun license. That night, while on his way home. She came up to my window trying to “apologize” to me after being forced by her sister (who was also at my window) to do it. I called her husband so he could hear everything. That night, my husband was on his way home, I told him to text her to confirm that it’s been over. Instead, she calls back and what I hear was insane. My husband was telling her to just reply to the text so there can be proof shown to me and her husband. She laughed it off. Asked where he was and where he’s going. She kept telling him she doesn’t know why he wants to go home and be with me, fix us, I’m a horrible wife, etc. I’m a horrible person. She didn’t care about her kids, her husband, nothing. He hangs up. She leaves the house and that was the last time she was here. We found out later that night that she was actually cheating on her husband with a lot of people. That night, after her husband and kids left, she left with OUR SISTERS GIRLFRIEND. I can’t even make any of this up.

Now, I’m not condoning cheating. And that’s purely his fault. But what I’m saying is, I made it easy because of how I treated him and what I told him. I told him at one point everyday to go be with someone else, I wouldn’t care. So to say at that point our relationship was already over, it probably was. Now with all this being said, I still feel betrayed. And I don’t know if that’s even valid considering I told him the things I did. He has been completely remorseful. He feels so guilty. We have been in individual therapy and just started couples counceling. Our story isn’t a black and white text book infidelity story. There was a lot of trauma before anything happened. We’re just tryna navigate everything now. I’m not sure if I’ll find anyone else in the same boat. Just looking for advice