u/EyeInTeaJay

Looking for something within 2 hours of Sacramento preferably. Willing to drive a bit further for a special spot.

I’ve known about my parters BPD diagnosis since 2018ish. At that time I discovered a decade of attempts at emotional affairs. We got back together because of Covid. We have recently been separated since May of this near and I’m struggling with the realization that he was just a mirror of me. Ew.

I spent many days over summer falling into really unhealthy habits of codependency, continuing the conversation and rug sweeping. I have a stupid amount of patience and intellectualize him, so I was always trying to figure him out which facilitated the rug sweeping. Ugh.

This last couple of weeks we went very low contact and it’s gotten better communication wise, but he is only spending maybe 95% of time with the kids when I’m not managing that for him. It’s really sad.

9/10 he threatens divorce so I am moving forward with that in paper, but when I mention that he flips his shit and talks about reconciliation before splitting on me and threatening to call the cops because he feels unsafe. Yuck.

His dating profiles are selfie pictures of him wearing my band t-shirts in the bathroom mirror, my personality in his bio, talking about all the things I like that he threw a fit over every time I wanted to include him in. Gross.

Reconciliation is not an option given the trauma and dysfunction we have been through. It would take years of individual therapy before we could be ready for another couple of years of couples therapy. To me, that signals reason for divorce.

A problem I’m dealing with is that I’m so icked out by him right now. He comes up with all sorts of financial excuses why he can’t afford to see his kids yet spends hundreds of dollars on his hobbies each week… ick.

How do I push through the ICK when I need to continue coparenting for 10yrs?

38F feeling nostalgic and wanting to get my soul back to where it was before it was damaged by 18 years of marriage trauma.

Give me your best shit, especially from the early to late 2000’s.

Currently reconnecting with:

The used- buried myself alive

Glassjaw - when one eight becomes two zeros

Thrice - black honey

Finch - what it is to burn

Emery - walls

Saison - seven years

Edit: I’ve gotten through most recommendations and I appreciate it so much! Thank you guys for helping to take my mind off the BS, while keeping my mind on it enough to not make the same mistakes on repeat.

There is one band/song that no one has mentioned, but all of you should be kicking yourself for not mentioning it! If anyone guesses it, it would make my day!

I could use some advice, maybe some stories.

He is not well right now. Rapid emotional swings. I never know if I’m going to get Dr Jekyl or Mr Hyde. We are in individual therapy. I can tell he is getting some DBT work but he isn’t consistent in his practice. One night he will be remorseful, apologetic, acknowledge that he has said the most vile things to me. The next day he will put up a “boundary” (usually something like, “I don’t want to see your face or hear your voice today”) and then tell me he is having a bad day. In the same text he will proceed to project, attacking my character, personality and my reality. It’s not fair that he gets a free pass because of his illness. I’m tired of this ride and I want off!

Separated 2 months. I’m keeping house, working, paying bills, taking care of kids. He complains constantly about everyday adulting things that I’ve been doing for our entire relationship. He is living rent free. He never asks how I’m doing. It all about him and whatever he is feeling at the moment. I’m losing my patience and afraid I’m going to turn into all the things he has always accused me of.

I’m setting boundaries but also getting more and more pissed off and giving a piece of my mind instead of ignoring him as I have in the past. I’m so tired of being treated like a villain and being subjected to his alternative reality. Im not sure that it is but it feels like daily emotional abuse. I wish I could file a restraining order against his mouth.

I need to go file for divorce but cringe knowing what backlash will come of it. How did you all handle divorce? What helped you get through it?

I wonder how common this is? Particularly in males.