EDIT: [Resolved, thank you for the comments and insight and i just needed a new perspective and that angry doesn’t have to be given new fuel sometimes i just needed to let the flame go out naturally im forcing this anger to continue because of things that happened years ago im going to let go and try an alternative via socializing and an alternative mindset love you guys i dont want to truly be this way]
time went on I’ve realized that I was really doomed from the start I was born into traits that make me less desirable in society, I never got help early on in my life my family assuming it would just be temporary, currently now in late secondary school and nothing has changed besides my thought process.
I used to have faith that as I lost weight, practiced social skills and grew up I would find my people. The only beneficial thing that’s happen is that I’m treated a bit more human due to be being skinner now not human enough I’d say I hate going to school and seeing couples, large friend groups they don’t understand the privilege they have I see people since primary school they had perfect lives, 2 parent household, usually white or whatever adjacent to whiteness, conventionally attractive, not out of the norm in size, neurotypical etc etc it goes on and on
When you have a conversation with these people it’s clear they’ll never be able to understand you. You might think since I suffered this way why would I want other people to suffer like I have but yes I genuinely do want them to suffer in the ways I did **(I have not acted upon these urges )**so maybe they would be more thankful, see their own privilege and the cycle of social hierarchy might shift
I’m a firm believer that when a human being has never had to suffer to a man made system or social construct of any form majorly they become numb to the existence of those who do I genuinely hate them I have thoughts and urges to harm these types of people I suffer for the fault of my own genetics things I could not control yet they are never criticized for the behaviour they can control because they fit the motto that we’ve built society for, if you don’t match you don’t matter you might be used for some moral shift as how schools celebrate autism awareness week, all sorts of awareness weeks yet they have a school full of social Inequality they will never address it’s all quotas
Can somebody help me break down these feelings and what to do with them? They’ve been festering inside of me since I was 11 years old.