I feel stuck and directionless in life...
I'm not working towards anything, not a career, not a personal goal - and I also struggle to care about these things. Everything I do is an attempt to run away from something, not towards something.
- I dont study because i like the subject, because i care about good grades, because i care about this school, because it´ll help me get into a specific career. I study to avoid the immediate punishment and discomfort of failing the exam, being one of the if not the only one who fails it, and if i fail the year ill just have to do it all over again anyway.
- I didnt get into minecraft speedrunning because i wanted to beat someone, some record, compete against friends, or because i love the game. I was just sick of only doing things im forced to do, so i thought i needed something i chose myself. Its done its job okay but whenever I hit a big progression wall or difficulty I have no reason to torture myself for hours and hours for the sake of distraction, might as well just scroll reels.
- I dont get out of bed because im excited to start the day, but either because I have to (school/work) or so my parents dont yell at me for sleeping in too long.
- And I dont even eat because i like eating or because i wanna gain weight (which i should), i really only eat when i randomly feel like it, or when the hunger becomes more annoying than having to eat.
Anything with no immediate consequences I cant be bothered doing. Why should I do X activity that might yield positive returns in a few years or even decades if I dont even care about now?
For a while now I felt completely lost because I realized I didnt want or choose to be here, I have no purpose here, and the only thing people are doing with their lives is try to make it good instead of shitty and then die. And once im dead i wont be alive to be sad or happy about what I did. if anything, im only doing these things for my lifetime, and more precisely, for right now.
And sure there are things that I love to do or i´d love to do, but they are far from "Ill do whatever it takes to achieve that". They´re more of a "if i had access and time, if i could do anything I wanted, i´d probably chose those things".
Like I love driving, I love cars, but I dont love it enough to set them as the thing im working towards for the next years if not decades, with zero guarantee of ever achieving it.
And in the end, its all just levels and types of distractions from the meaninglessness of it all. Driving distracts me because its engaging, im forced to pay attention, i can listen to music and sing along, etc.
But scrolling is also great at distracting. less adrenaline but still distracting and engaging. The biggest difference isnt even on what i get, but what i pay.
For scrolling i need a phone and internet, zero risk, zero work, zero effort, nothing.
For driving i need a car, a job to buy and maintain that car, time and money to drive.
And I never looked at my life and thought "yeah i can achieve that", may it be a big dream or just the minimum viable option that´ll get in a position of fufillment.
And even then... I really wouldnt be aiming for that with driving being the main goal, but an engaging esscape option. Once again just running away from life, not towards something.