I'm not sure I count as part of the LGBTQA+ community and it stresses me out
Hello! I have been doing a lot of thinking about myself and my attraction, or possible lack thereof, and I am still very confused about what I do and don't experience.
I never was able to give anyone the proper answer when I was asked; I am not sure whether I find every gender attractive or none. I don't think I ever had a crush, or infatuation that other people seem to describe. For the longest time, I would just think that "there simply aren't any good matches for me in class" and so I waited for years, changing schools as I graduated, and still hadn't seen anybody who I would crush on. I had to lie when asked who I liked, and nobody believed me when I said no one.
There were multiple people in my life that had a crush on me before, people whom I thought of as friends, but I just felt confused, stressed, trapped and panicked whenever they expressed interest. It was just really uncomfortable for me and I felt really bad when that happened.
I sometimes would be sad when someone who I would consider to be "an objectively good match" showed interest in someone else, but it was very short lived and I didn't care afterwards. I feel like I often grieve the possible future that I could have with a partner, and not them specifically.
I always wanted to experience romantic love, and was sad that I simply couldn't make myself feel it.
Now, however, I am in a relationship with one of my best friends. And I love him, truly - I just am really confused at times. I never got that "head over heels" feeling that other people seem to describe, non-stop thinking about him, or anything. I heard of the concept of love without infatuation and I think it fits? I don't think I even had a crush on him - no nervousness, butterflies, fumbling over my words, spark, nothing.
I just feel safe, warm and happy around him. I like when we kiss, though sometimes I have to be in the mood for mouth-to-mouth. Some days, I want to be near him all the time, while others I can not see him for days and not think much about it. I still care for him, and feel at home with him. I trust him fully. I suppose the feeling is different to what I feel towards other people that I love in my life. However, it's not as... Distinct? As many people seemed to have described when mentioning romantic attraction. It's gotten to the point that I sometimes wonder whether I really love him romantically at all. I know the concept of him being with someone else would be heartbreaking for me, so I suppose it is romantic love?
And so I am now confused. For some time, I just thought I was aromantic and, while sad about not having the possibility to start a family, I thought I at least had a better understanding of myself. Now, I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I feel even guilty considering wearing a demiromantic pin during pride month because I feel like an impostor, or like I'm not really part of the LGBTQA+ community. And having aromantic merch would make me feel like I'm lying to people, since I have a partner. I know demiromantic is part of the arospec, it's just my internalized issues, I suppose. It just makes me sad.