r/demiromantic

PLEASE HELP ME

HII 😭 I’m kinda in love with a guy and I really want him to be demiromantic and asexual (ik I can’t force that or anything, but I genuinely can’t handle the idea of him being attracted to other people 💀). So since I can’t just straight up ask about his sexuality, I wanted you guys to analyze something he said for me and see if there’s any chance he might at least be demiromantic.

So I asked him whether, to him, love has many reasons behind it or no reason at all. And ngl, he didn’t answer immediately, he actually sat there thinking for a few seconds before saying something like:

‘Is there even such a thing as loving someone for no reason?.. That’s just instinctive attraction.’

Then he paused again for a second and went:

‘Can love really be defined by instinctive attraction? Isn’t it more about loving someone for multiple reasons? Like, imagine someone asks “why do you love me?” and you answer “there’s no reason.” How can there be no reason?.. Even if you call it instinctive attraction, that attraction still comes from liking certain external or internal aspects of the person, doesn’t it?’

I know he’s not directly talking about his own experiences or mentioning emotional connection or anything, BUT pay attention to the way he talks about attraction 😭 idk if it’s because he kinda classifies attraction as love (even if it’s “without reason”), or because he questions whether love can even be reduced to attraction in the first place…

Cause i think an alloromantic person would probably be able to clearly tell the difference between “I’m attracted to this person” and “I’m in love with this person.” And maybe they wouldn’t have to think that hard before answering the question I asked 😭

(And yes, I remember literally everything he said word for word, including the pauses, because I’ve been replaying the whole conversation in my head trying to understand it 💀)

Tl;dr I was in a situationship, we had deep emotional talk and now I can't stop thinking about him.

I've been in a situationship or fwb with a friend on and off for almost 6 years (we rarely met last couple of years because we live on diffrent cities now). After initial confusion, I was sure I'm not romantically attracted to him. I felt platonic attraction, sensual attraction, a bit of aesthetic one. (I never had and still don't have sexual attraction, which I realised during our initial sistuationship, but I had fun doing it once in a while and enjoyjed his touch so I kept meeting with him).

We never were too close emotionally, because I have problem opening up to people. I was always too worried what he thinks of me, to be myself around him.

Well, lately I started unmask more around people, started therapy and medications, a lot of my fears have become manageable.

So slowly started to be myself around him, we have a lot more things to talk about now.

This weekend I went to see him for a few days. I had fun, and spending time with him felt a lot easier than in a past. The very last night of my stay we had a very deep, emotional talk. I explained him why I was avoidant with him, he talked a lot about his mental problems (suicidal, very low self-esteem, trauma) and I felt guilty how I was neglecting our relation. I felt a lot of commpassion for him, I wanted to hug him so hard all the pain would go away.

We talked a bit about our relation. He really likes me more since I've started to unmask around him. He sounded like he wanted to try being something more with me. But I was confused because I was sure I am aromantic.

After this talk we had a really hard time saying goodbye. Now I'm so confused. We won't have a chance to meet for a whole month and I can't stop thinking about him, I want to hug him and talk more with him and take care of him. I don't know what to think anymore.

I was very comfortable with being aroace, I liked living alone because I need alone time to recharge and feel safe and not judged. I didn't feel the need for a boyfriend as long as I had my friends and hobbies.

But now I started to think that getting to cuddle with him after getting home sounds very comforting.

As I write this I see that it really sounds like I'm catching feelings, but I'm really scared.

I'm not that sure that it could be romantic, and I'm agonizing, because I wont have a chance to meet with him for so long. I'm really confused how one conversation affected me so deeply.

He is such a sweet man and I really don't want to hurt him. I'm a bit scared that my emotions stem more from pity for him.

How does demiromantic person notice when attraction starts to get romantic?

I (mid 20s F) have been in the same friendship group as this guy (mid 20s M) since school. We’ve always been friends but I moved abroad for a few years and only moved back home around 3 months ago. Weirdly, when I came back for a visit last year, we spent loads of time together one on one and I didn’t even have feelings for him then. I just genuinely loved being around him because he’s one of the funniest people I know and we have this really easy dynamic where we can spend hours together doing absolutely nothing and it still feels fun.

He’s also VERY inexperienced with girls. Like genuinely awkward/nervous around them and not someone who dates much at all. I’m pretty sure he could even be a virgin honestly. He’s not even my normal type which is why this whole thing has caught me so off guard.

Once I moved home properly, we started hanging out constantly. Gym together, pub, random weekday stuff. He became one of the people I saw most. Over time there started being really obvious tension between us. Long eye contact, constant teasing etc. I slowly developed feelings without really meaning to.

A few weeks ago we had a moment where we nearly kissed and after that he COMPLETELY panicked and ghosted me for like 3 weeks. It genuinely hurt because he wasn’t just some random guy I liked, he was one of my closest friends and I missed the friendship side more than anything. The worst part was losing the ease we had. Before this, I could literally just call him up and invite myself along to his plans or he'd invite himself.

Then a couple weeks ago we were at the pub with his older brother’s friend and a few other people (none of our close mutual friends were there. His brother’s friend basically called us out asking why we’d never dated because apparently the tension between us was “painfully obvious”. He left us alone together and this guy finally admitted he thought I didn’t like him and that he’d ignored me because he got scared and thought he didn’t have a chance. He ended up asking me if I’d go on a date with him and I basically said “obviously yes you idiot” because I’d been hinting for weeks at that point.

That night he fully opened up for the first time. Told me he’d thought I was attractive for years, liked me for ages, would “treat me differently now”, had a date planned etc. The next morning he actually messaged sober which shocked me because I expected him to completely retreat again once the alcohol wore off. Tge same the next night we werent together but he was messaging me saying nice things. 

But since then Over text he becomes avoidant and inconsistent. Goes days with no replies.  He’s now not messaged me for almost 2 weeks. BUT in person he acts completely differently. This weekend we watched a friend run a race with our friendship group and he spent half the day weirdly over-teasing me in front of everyone to the point multiple people were asking why he was being so mean to me. But then when everyone got off the train and we had literally 2 minutes alone together, he was suddenly finding excuses to touch me, leaning into me, and when we got off the train he literally guided me off by my waist.

This is what’s driving me insane. I genuinely don’t think the issue is whether he likes me anymore because physically and in person it feels VERY obvious that he does. But emotionally he seems to completely freak out once things become real and we’re apart again. 

And I’ve genuinely tried to make this easy for him because I KNOW he’s awkward and probably panicking internally. I’ve sent casual low-pressure messages, tried to keep things normal, not forced big emotional conversations etc. But there’s only so many times a girl can get ignored before it starts properly hurting you know?

I also think the “inexperienced with girls” thing matters a lot here because he genuinely seems terrified of vulnerability and emotional pressure. But at the same time, almost 2 weeks of no messaging is objectively awful behaviour, especially considering we were supposed to be close friends first and foremost before any feelings got involved.

Honestly I think the reason this hurts so much is because underneath the romantic feelings, I genuinely miss my friend. Before all this happened, everything between us felt easy and safe and now every interaction feels emotionally loaded and confusing.

I genuinely don’t know what to do at this point because part of me feels like he’s just an emotionally avoidant awkward guy who’s panicking because things got real, and another part of me is like… okay but at some point you still have to communicate with me like an adult?? 

Ughhh I just really miss my friend and he's unintentionally driving me CRAZY for him by being so inconsistent.

Hey everybody. I've been thinking about something that goes deeper than "X isn't for me" and wanted to share it and see others' thoughts. I think that a lot of what passes for liberated, progressive sexual culture and expression is structurally harmful and alienating, and yet is treated as the foundation for a lot of pro-queer spaces, progressive politics, even radical anti-capitalism, while also being perfectly amenable to the systems supposedly being challenged in the first place, and any structural criticism feels impossible without being labeled repressive or patriarchal or reactionary.

I AM NOR MORALIZING OR SHAMING ANYBODY'S PERSONAL LIFE. I am not in the business of that. Structure your relationships however you want to. It's none of my business. I don't think individual shaming helps anybody. What I am questioning is the cultural demand of a sort of "absolute freedom" that is seen as untouchable, sacred even, in any sort of progressive or radical spaces when it comes to the concept of "sexual liberation", and as a demi person I realize that might mean I am "blinded" by a bias but I like to think I have the ability to understand where others are coming from. I think that normalizing this dynamic, this model, whatever, as the gold standard of "freedom" is producing widespread net harm and refusing to talk about it basically cedes all ground to bigoted reactionaries.

What exactly is it I'm talking about? Here are some examples:

1. The idea that ones' body and sexuality being put on display, as a commodity, is always empowering if the person has made the choice to do so.
2. The idea (moreso in mainstream society than in any "anti-establishment" cases, but definitely taken for granted a lot of the time in those too) of sex and romance in the logic of individual transactions where emotional attachment or need is a liability you need to "fix" in order to be mature.
3. The idea, against a lot of real research, that engaging in sex is a basic bodily function no more complex than drinking water, and seeking it out casually doesn't have psychological and mental risks or consequences.
4. Finally, the idea that if any choice is made freely, it is beyond critique, and to suggest that such choices (and I am still talking about sexuality here, but I'm sure we can expand it to other topics too) might lead to painful, alienating, empty, or damaging places is to be repressive, controlling, backwards, reactionary and so on.

This shows up in just about every activist circle, every feminist, pro-queer, progressive, leftist, etc. tendency or organization or space I have ever been aware of, and it really feels hypocritical especially when systemic analysis is used for tons of other issues people care about, rightfully so. But not this! Critiquing the marketplace of intimacy, suggesting that commodification cannot be solved by total free choice as atomized individuals, which itself is exactly what capitalism wants us to see ourselves as, leads immediately to being branded a sex-negative patriarchal infiltrator. The right has all the space to talk about the hollowing out of relationships, loneliness that affects all sexes and genders, but those of us who wish to preach tolerance are forced to defend the very superstructure that leads to it because any alternative has been framed as repression.

I realize that even among us demisexuals, this will come off as talking out of my lane. But I can't just "shut up and let people enjoy things" when I have lived long enough to have experienced the harm caused, not just to myself but to the people I love too, some of whom would defend it. I think we don't have a more materialist, structural rather than individualist way of analyzing sexuality and intimacy without appealing to "traditional values", which is the exact opposite of what I have been doing here.

So that's something I've been thinking about. And I'm wondering if fellow demis have noticed this as well or have their own honest, non-judgemental critiques that don't fall into individual shaming.

ONE LAST NOTE: I’ve tried very hard to write this in a way that critiques the system, not people. I’m genuinely interested in hearing other perspectives, even strongly opposing ones. I won’t be engaging with bad-faith replies that reduce this to “slut‑shaming” and recommend that others not do so either, but I'll read and, if I have anything to say, respond to anything offered in the spirit of the discussion.

When I move to fast in dating ie. cuddle or have sex too early/too fast. (I.e: on the first few dates). I often lose my attraction to the person I’m getting to know. It just disappears out of thin air.

I’ve looked everywhere for why this happens to me, but I haven’t found any answers.

Like is there a way for me to regain my feelings or is that just it?

Anyway, I hope someone even one person resonates with what I experience. It is highly frustrating it makes me feel like I’ll never find anyone to date.

Thanks for reading and please leave a comment if you think you know why this is happening to me or if you experience this weird phenomenon too.

First of all I am humanist and like try to learn everything. ( even it is not possible lol)I have so many hobbies. Even I didnt try your hobby before I can search for ya!

for close friend I can be with EVERYONE if they love me and respect me!

Everybody know what close friend is but I made up term" life friend" it represents special friend to share my all life with. conditions

(for me of course, you can create conditions for yourself!)

Should be male, +18, emotionally mature, must be AT LEAST 2 years my close friend, Date with me face to face as much as possible( we shouldnt trust people easly online and also real life so much dont you think?) and should be wisdom and smart!

Yea you read right dont care about what look like , past before me, age gap etc. for life friend

In the end there is +8 billion in the world , everyone is replaceable (include me LOL)

I unlocked a new fear when I found out that demiromantic people exist since I never had a friend I always assumed the reason why I never had a crush was because I never have gotten to know a person but now I am extremely worried that when I finally manage to make my first friend that after I get to know them I fall for them and I ruin the only chance I had at a friendship. How do you navigate through life when people who you become friends with didn't get a crush on you only for you to get crush on them when you are already good friends?