u/Fair-Knee-9580

Why did you have to lie to me?

Why did you have to break my heart?

Why did you deceive me like this?

You destroyed the hope I had left,You promised you wouldn't have anyone but me on your mind, you deceived me, you lied to me after all,why?I just wanted to make you happy, why are all the others better than me? Why is there always someone better than me?I did everything you asked, I changed for you, and you betrayed me,I lost myself trying to be the person you wanted to have, You were my perfect angel, how could you deceive me with such sweet lies? Don't I deserve your love?Why, why, why do all people always have everything I should have?I just wanted to be truly loved, I can't stand living in this torment anymore,My heart feels broken.

I've been like this for four years now, ever since I dropped out of school because of bullying from my classmates,Since I couldn't speak,I was always the odd girl out to everyone,so I isolated myself in my room,The only place where I felt happy,Now, at nineteen, I feel like a failure,Without education, without work, without friends, I stopped in time, isolated while everyone else lived,I can't deny that I feel envious seeing other women,with children and a good husband,A life that I would like to have,But I'm so bad at everything I do that I can't even leave the house,I always end up with terrible anxiety,I wonder if I'll stay this way forever,I wish I could change and be different, but I simply can't, and I feel sad about it, I feel like I'm wasting my life,But at the same time I remember the humiliations I've faced in the past when I tried to socialize, and despite that I...i really want to be happy.

(Sorry for any English mistakes)

I feel like this is the only place where I can be honest about my feelings,Sorry if the text isn't pleasant.

For as long as I can remember, I've behaved in a certain way,When my parents had another child,I was so angry about having to share their attention, even though I never liked them,It was the same with my pets, I never hurt them, but when they went to someone else, all happy even though I took such good care of them, I would get so angry,But in reality, I never really liked those things,I always knew that the family you're born into doesn't really like you, they made that clear to me,They accept you because they are obligated to, but love? That they will never be able to feel. True love is when a person chooses you for who you are, without blood ties, without being forced into it,Accepting who you truly are,In my teens, I would go out for walks at night, hoping that the love of my life was watching me and would kidnap me, that we would live together forever, that I would be the perfect housewife for him,And we would have a happy ending,I actually always dreamed about this kidnapping,I slept with the windows open, walked down deserted streets, hoping my great love would appear,I wrote an entire diary about it,Dreaming about it every day,In someone loving me so much that they would do anything for me, and who would accept my way of loving,I would do anything to achieve this,I wouldn't care how grotesque it was,if I were certain of love, if I could feel his lips against mine, if I could hug him and look into his eyes,Without family, without religion, without fear,Just the two of us against the world.

I wonder where this desire of mine to be loved began, I can't say I wasn't loved like any other child, but the love of my parents, friends, and siblings never meant anything to me. It never mattered to me,I tried many things: fitting in with my classmates, going out, hobbies,But everything seemed so meaningless, it made me feel like an empty shell. I tried to adapt, I tried to feel something for my family, but I only felt contempt,All I could think about was that there was someone in this world who belonged to me, who would be mine and I theirs. I thought about it every day, my destined soulmate, and that motivated me to keep living,Learning to cook for him, getting ready for him, waiting for the day he would appear for me,But it didn't happen, and life seems so gray, so bitter. So, I never truly had anything,happiness, the feeling of being alive,except for the dream of finding someone who will save me from my abyss, who will fill my heart completely until we become one,and I would do anything for it, because it's all I have,All that's left for me, even though I've been waiting for this person for years, gets harder every day. My world feels empty if I don't have someone to give all my love to. I try to stay strong,Hoping I'll have my happy ending, but every time I close my eyes I realize how I might be deceiving myself with this, but without love, I am nothing, I am nobody,I need this, I need this, I need this.