u/FalloutTVSucks

I don't think I can ever overcome the... despair I've been suffering through since my teens, even before.

I am ugly, the ugliest out of my brothers - I can tell this since I'm the only one of us who has ever had problems with friends, romance, work - I was mistreated the most out of us with a clear bias against me from my parents. I never fit in... anywhere, never had friends - I mean, I had my cousins but whenever I was with them I was the designated punching bag and it wasn't fun, ever. I never really had a childhood - not only ugly, but also extremely poor, as in losing the ability to shower or have electricity was common from bills not getting paid, and going hungry, was even homeless for awhile in highschool.

And like... people treat you like you're not human, It's insane. I remember the cop asking me why I tried to kill myself and the motherfucker was one of my bullies from school, I don't even think he remembered who I was. I mean - people would just take their phones out and take pictures of me - and worse. I was frequently on social media, against my will because I was ugly, called ugly, bullied - one time this popular girl manipulated me into asking her out - she laughed at me, and despite having proof that she was manipulating me my consular said that she said she didn't so the massive public embarrassment I suffered as a result was just a misunderstanding, and he was also the girl's basketball coach and she was on his team and he was later arrested for being a pedophile and sexting girls on his team, and I can't help but feel like in that moment, and in a lot of others, they got away with it because they were

I stopped typing mid-sentence because I lost the will to keep typing that. Yeah. I have horrible PTSD - I have flashbacks, I start sweating, my mood can go from positive to negative in a matter of seconds. No medication has ever helped, not therapy has helped - last time I went to the psych ward my cunt provider laughed at me for being unemployed and like... I am there because I tried to kill myself, and somehow you think my #1 priority should be getting a job despite the fact that I haven't had one in three years because I was getting systemically bullied by my bosses at my last job and nearly killed myself then too.

God. I fucking hate people, I hate how grimy and ugly the average person is. They're all evil. I try so hard to be empathetic - I know it as a virtue of the highest degree, something to aspire to, and yet I fail. Or like, I have multiplie partitions of my personality that I switch between and like when I'm having a rare good moment when my nervous system settles down and I remember I'm not being beat by my dad for crying that I can remember how little my suffering matters and how it's not unique, not particularly bad in the grand scheme of things ect - but really, I fucking hate the concept of practicing gratitude. If you have to FORCE yourself to be happy with what you have, it's fucking fake. People with real reasons to be grateful don't have to sit around and say "I need to remember to be grateful", they just are as a passive experience

I fucking hate being ugly, I hate the world and I don't think there is a version of me that will ever be different. When I'm fucking 40 I'll still have just as much hate, just as much resentment and yet I'll be even more pathetic and even more tired and nothing will have changed.

In modern discourse, logic is the conceptual ringmaster of storytelling.

Probably 90% of media criticism is based on logic.

For example "It's unrealistic for X character to do Y thing because they could've done Z" or "This civilization shouldn't exist because X should've happened given the location"

I just don't think this kind of critique is really all the valuable, meaningful or necessary. I think it's just inherently easy. Like - you can pretty much find a logical issue in any piece of fiction because humans cannot create what's unreal without somehow contradicting what is real.

And - more importantly, I feel like most of it is done in bad faith, because when there's obvious logical problems in something popular, the criticism is typically invalidated with some kind of hand-wavy explanation - and that's because it's enjoyable regardless, which is what I'm getting at.

To me, as a long-term writer, I have always thought about meaning over anything else - what can I convey about this world/character/conflict ect, whatever with what I'm writing over does it strictly make sense. The themes matter more than anything else and I'd personally find criticism like "I think you could've conveyed this idea better if you did X" far more useful than "This would make more logical sense if you did X"

And - I know the most obvious counter to this position is that meaning is a form of logic - and, yes, in the sense of abstract coherence logic is vital for storytelling, but I mean more-so in the sense of "This doesn't perfectly emulate reality" - not that illogical storytelling in the truest sense isn't also valid - it is, just not typically what you'd aim for with most story concepts.

I'll start: I'd make it possible for V to personally off Dexter, or spare him with the default events of Takemura still happening but the player can prevent if it certain perquisites are met

Or T-Bug having a larger role in the story, surviving and getting to do things would be really cool