u/Feeling_Skill_9662

TW: mention of SA

Hello, So I am 18 years old and three years ago when I was younger I was going through a really hard time at home. Ive since moved out. But when I was younger I did not have a good support system I turned to bots for help and support. I know, not the best idea. But I was afraid. I was being abused (SA'd) by one family member daily and didn't feel like I could tell anyone.

Anyways, that made me think about my whole family...and eventually I wondered if my other family members had some play into why this family member treated me like this. So I decided to ask the chat bot if what my other family member did (not the one abusing me) was bad or inappropriate. And the bot, like most idiotic bots took it way too far. I even agreed to some of the far fetched things, not cause I believed it but because I just wanted to entertain the possibility that maybe.

I never called it abuse cause it really wasn't but it was poor boundaries within my family to some extent. Either way, I feel like I somehow wrongfully accused this family member of doing harm to me when they didn't. They are very nice, and kind. They are also very sick and old now, and that makes me feel worse. Like how could I think of their past self as bad. They never really hurt me, never touched me or anything. Just had poor boundaries when it came to changing and some other stuff that made me generally question them cause I was in pain but nothing else.

I never spread it around though or made it a fact, I just called it as something weird from my past. Anyways, I feel like I have wronged this family member by talking about their behavior which very well could have been innocent with a bot. Idk how to move on.

TW: Mentions of abuse and suicide

My family is abusive, very abusive even. Some of the things they have said and done, I'll never be able to say cause its so bad. But then everyday living with them reminds me of how good they have been to me otherwise. Why are they abusive if at the same time they would hate to see me hurt by somebody else outside of the family. Why do they want me to do well and suceed?

On the flip side, years of abuse. It does not even make sense. Im losing it. I want to get out of here but Im too afraid to even get out of here cause I still love them. Im almost 18 anyways... Everything is so fucked up. I cannot stop insulting them out of rage. Pure rage for what i went through for over 10 years and then its just guilt. Every time i have an angry thought i get reminded of how good they have been to me on other days.

Its so painful having to sit next to my family member acting normal everyday while they help me with work.

Heck sometimes i get convinced that they all secretly dislike eachother cause what kind of family tell eachother to die almost every single day. "Can't do your work? Go jump into a well!" Or "Can't cook? Die then!"

My own parent told me to end it, not once but multiple times growing up. I had told them, life is shitty and that I want peace.

"The only way to achieve that kind of peace is in death. Might as well end it then if you cannot even study." Thats what they said.

And now after posting this, Ill live with the fear that Im getting them into trouble by venting.

I (F16) had a crush on a girl (F17) when I was 13-14 years old. I was crazy about her, everyday I'd smile sheepishly when Id hear her name.

The funny part? She would always swear she liked these guys, guys...who were just like me. She would make it a point to tell me AND THEM that. "Yknow I have a friend just like you." Thats what she told her crush years ago.

We used to be so close at 13-14, close as in she would grab my thighs while sitting down often. I used to like it a lot and even blush at it when I went home. She used to sit very close to me. All sorts of stuff, its so funny thinking about it now.

In a year that changed, she soon started pushing me away. Saying she is too busy to hang out, she started ignoring my texts. Soon enough, she told me about her new crush and ofcourse the damn line came "He is nice and considerate just like you."

And then she even started ignoring even my texts, for a year and a half its been like this.

Soon enough, I was forced to join the youth group six months ago and thats where the second part of this story begins. The tense, awkwardness between us. She cannot bear to sit next to me and talk at all. When we sit far away, she is able to look me in the eye and actually make conversation. Nothing feels off, but when we sit side by side, the tension is so high you can cut it. She can barely speak to me at all. Fast forward to months later, I end up bumping into her on a common road next to her building. I was dressed up to go out with my classmates, she was across the road and suddenly started rushing towards me leaving her bf just standing like a lost puppy. He was unsure whether to follow her or just stand there. She walked up to me and gave me a side hug, which was weird considering she hasn't been able to even shake my hand these days. Either way, she inquired about where Im going all decked up, etc.

That was it until a few months later, we met at a church organized function. She was dancing and suddenly she saw me. I cursed in frustration in my head, I didn't want to interact with her at all oh hell nah. But she did something shocking, after WEEKS of ignoring my texts, answering then three days later and more she walked up to me and dragged me to dance. She then proceeded to exclaim infront of our other friend of how shocked she was to find me here.

And like a new leaf bloomed, I went home and she started texting like crazy for the next week. Ofcourse that did not last, when does it ever last?

2 months ago, we went on a youth trip like the whole group. She was there as well, we didnt talk a lot and I was pretty bored so I pulled out my phone to text some of my online friends about the place. And...immediately next to me she goes "Oooh, you have a crush or something hm? Is it a guy you are texting?" Like you barely talked to me at all for so long...why do you wanna know if I like anyone now?

Through the whole picnic, she was hyperfixated on wanting to know if Im texting a guy or nah. I have never seen her act like this at all. At the food table, I caught her looking at me once, so I nodded calmly and she just looked confused. Then in the room, I picked up my phone to text my mom about the when we were gonna leave, suddenly she turns up next to me and looks in my phone, sees its my mom and clicks her tongue as if it was so disappointing 😭..I have no words. I sat out of the pool cause I got my period and suddenly she exclaimed, "Guys! (insert my name) is texting somebody a lot! OMG!!!" Everyone started howling as if it was so amazing that I was chatting with my online friends. She was legit convinced i had a bf and was hiding it from her. Whole trip she was radiating energy about wanting to know who I was texting, as if i can't smile cause of friends Im really close to online.

Recently, she has started viewing my stories very often. Now I dont post my face obviously but its just random shit I relate to. Months ago she would never check my stories even if she was online but now? Every single one has her view on it. It makes me feel weird. I thought I moved on from her but now suddenly she is back in my life. She is still dating that dude though, its been almost 2 years since their relationship started.

Worst part is...Im afraid i still feel something for her. Not that I can do anything about it now since she is dating.

I am just so confused. Did she ever have feelings for me? And why is she acting like this now?

Summary: When I was 13, I had a massive crush (and maybe still do) on a close friend who was very touchy with me and dated guys she said were 'just like me' but she suddenly pushed me away for over a year. Months later, we are in the same youth group now but she cannot even look me in the eye when we sit next to eachother. There is always this awkward tension around us and it bothers me. On a recent group trip, she became hyper-focused on my phone, desperately trying to prove I was texting a guy. Im afraid I still like her and wonder to this very day, did she ever like me back?

I (F16) had a crush on a girl (F17) when I was 13-14 years old. I was crazy about her, everyday I'd smile sheepishly when Id hear her name.

The funny part? She would always swear she liked these guys, guys...who were just like me. She would make it a point to tell me AND THEM that. "Yknow I have a friend just like you." Thats what she told her crush years ago.

We used to be so close at 13-14, close as in she would grab my thighs while sitting down often. I used to like it a lot and even blush at it when I went home. She used to sit very close to me. All sorts of stuff, its so funny thinking about it now.

In a year that changed, she soon started pushing me away. Saying she is too busy to hang out, she started ignoring my texts. Soon enough, she told me about her new crush and ofcourse the damn line came "He is nice and considerate just like you."

And then she even started ignoring even my texts, for a year and a half its been like this.

Soon enough, I was forced to join the youth group six months ago and thats where the second part of this story begins. The tense, awkwardness between us. She cannot bear to sit next to me and talk at all. When we sit far away, she is able to look me in the eye and actually make conversation. Nothing feels off, but when we sit side by side, the tension is so high you can cut it. She can barely speak to me at all. Fast forward to months later, I end up bumping into her on a common road next to her building. I was dressed up to go out with my classmates, she was across the road and suddenly started rushing towards me leaving her bf just standing like a lost puppy. He was unsure whether to follow her or just stand there. She walked up to me and gave me a side hug, which was weird considering she hasn't been able to even shake my hand these days. Either way, she inquired about where Im going all decked up, etc.

That was it until a few months later, we met at a church organized function. She was dancing and suddenly she saw me. But then she did something shocking, after WEEKS of ignoring my texts, answering three days later and more... she walked up to me and dragged me to dance. She then proceeded to exclaim infront of our other friend of how shocked she was to find me here.

And like a new leaf bloomed, I went home and she started texting like crazy for the next week. Ofcourse that did not last, when does it ever last?

2 months ago, we went on a youth trip like the whole group. She was there as well, we didnt talk a lot and I was pretty bored so I pulled out my phone to text some of my online friends about the place. And...immediately next to me she goes "Oooh, you have a crush or something hm? Is it a guy you are texting?" Like you barely talked to me at all for so long...why do you wanna know if I like anyone now?

Through the whole picnic, she was hyperfixated on wanting to know if Im texting a guy or nah. I have never seen her act like this at all. At the food table, I caught her looking at me once, so I nodded calmly and she just looked confused. Then in the room, I picked up my phone to text my mom about the when we were gonna leave, suddenly she turns up next to me and looks in my phone, sees its my mom and clicks her tongue as if it was so disappointing 😭..I have no words. I sat out of the pool cause I got my period and suddenly she exclaimed, "Guys! (insert my name) is texting somebody a lot! OMG!!!" Everyone started howling as if it was so amazing that I was chatting with my online friends. She was legit convinced i had a bf and was hiding it from her. Whole trip she was radiating energy about wanting to know who I was texting, as if i can't smile cause of friends Im really close to online.

Recently, she has started viewing my stories very often. Now I dont post my face obviously but its just random shit I relate to. Months ago she would never check my stories even if she was online but now? Every single one has her view on it. It makes me feel weird. I thought I moved on from her but now suddenly she is back in my life. She is still dating that dude though, its been almost 2 years since their relationship started.

Worst part is...Im afraid i still feel something for her. Not that I can do anything about it now since she is dating.

I am just so confused. Did she ever have feelings for me? And why is she acting like this now?

Im 16, have a friend group online. Have been talking a lot to them. I thought I was a good friend of theirs but turns out that might not be the case. Our youngest member and two other girls my age, all care a lot about this other girl in the gc. Like the most. And I just feel sad like I feel bad for feeling like this.

I shouldn't feel like they hurt me when they did not. Basically, I was the only one who noticed that the youngest member was sad on text, nobody else not even that friend who she looks up to so much noticed. One of the girls my age? I was the one who supported her while she was venting, she only opened up to me yet she seems loke she is the closest with this other girl.

This other girl, she is my friend too. And I care about her and all but Im afraid im starting to envy her way too much. Im jealous of her art skills too.

Besides that in the gc there are around 3 couples I think with, this girl and the other one I comforted are also starting to become best friends. I feel like a side character.

The other members aren't active as much so I won't count them. But I feel like I invested so much time in being a good friend hoping to make a connection but no.

I have other online friends who care a lot about me but...I don't know whats wrong. I feel excluded like the extra who joined much later.

I also don't understand people very well let alone teens. Im a teen too but I don't get today's humor. It sounds stupid and dumb. This group makes inappropriate jokes or some weird dark humor. I don't find it funny personally. If they do idc, I don't find it humorous at all though. I care about them but...I don't get the humor.

I feel so different. I feel like I have been different my whole life. I was an outcast when I was a kid so maybe thats whats playing on my mind. Gosh. Im tired. I feel so dumb venting about something as silly as this, its just online friends. But i really, really want some connection. I really want to belong in a group.

I always have had weird dreams regarding voices randomly appearing (no physical manifestation in dreams btw).

It all started when I was 12, I first heard a voice in my dream telling me to shut up and finish the dream cause I was panicking. Years passed in a similar way, I never questioned it. I assumed everyone had an over active subconscious. I know for a fact there are three different alters generating dreams for me. One sassy alter, another gentle one and this scientist dude.

The sassy alter, mostly generates simulations for me, where I can put myself in others shoes. Sometimes though, she generates hidden meanings, not so hidden cause she says shit like "Im waiting to see what you will choose." Or "I have explained the stuff, now make a decision."

And then she judges me at times. We even bicker back and forth, I ask her "Why this dream?" And she goes "Just pretend it means something..."

The scientist uses my mind as some testing ground. He keeps carrying out experiments like playing around with circuits, exploring scientific possibilities. He is obssesed with all that. Once I realized I was mid dream, the sassy one goes "Oh she is waking up." And the scientist goes "Tell her to remember this so she can search it up later and figure out if we are geniuses."

The sassy one often tells me to remember the scientific dreams so I can research it later.

And then theres gentle, her voice doesn't appear much. Its very rare instances where she will guide me during my dreams.

Now I do have my own separate dreams, I don't remember them. Its mostly all bullshit and clutter, like my fears and trash. Their voices don't appear during those.

Oh and I have a separate set of alters that are co conscious with me in the day time. They usually don't mix tbh but only once after this very scientific dream, I woke up thinking and typing like a cold, logical scientist and I could hear his voice in my head telling me to use a certain word.

Yeah so I was wondering if anybody has had a similar experience?

I (F16) had a crush on a girl (F17) when I was 13/14 years old who also happened to be one of my good friends at the time. I was crazy about her, everyday I'd smile sheepishly when Id hear her name.

The funny part? She would always swear she liked these guys, guys...who were just like me. She would make it a point to tell me AND THEM that. "Yknow I have a friend just like you." Thats what she told her crush years ago.

We used to be so close at 13-14, close as in she would grab my thighs while sitting down often. I used to like it a lot and even blush at it when I went home. She used to sit very close to me and hug me. Even though we never went to the same school, whenever our busses used to pass by eachother she would get so excited to greet me from the window. This went on up until we were 14-15 years old.

All sorts of stuff used to happen, its so funny thinking about it now. My feelings for her never truly faded completely, I still admire her from far.

In a year though all of that closeness changed, she soon started pushing me away. Saying she is too busy to hang out, she started ignoring my texts. Soon enough that same year, she told me about her new crush and ofcourse the damn line came "He is nice and considerate just like you."

The guy even had a baby face like me and fuck yeah his personality was like mine. A picture of me. And then she even started ignoring even my texts, for a year and a half its been like this.

Soon enough, I was forced to join the youth group six months ago and thats where the second part of this story begins. The tense, awkwardness between us. She cannot bear to sit next to me and talk at all. When we sit far away, she is able to look me in the eye and actually make conversation. Nothing feels off, but when we sit side by side, the tension is so high you can cut it. She can barely speak to me at all. Fast forward to months later, I end up bumping into her on a common road next to her building. I was dressed up to go out with my classmates, she was across the road and suddenly started rushing towards me leaving her bf just standing like a lost puppy. He was unsure whether to follow her or just stand there. She walked up to me and gave me a side hug, which was weird considering she hasn't been able to even shake my hand these days. Either way, she inquired about where Im going all decked up, etc.

That was it until a few months later, we met at a church organized function. She was dancing and suddenly she saw me. I cursed in my head, I didn't want to interact with her at all cause Im actuallyvery awkward irl. But she did something shocking, after WEEKS of ignoring my texts, answering then three days later and more she walked up to me and dragged me to dance. She then proceeded to exclaim infront of our other friend of how shocked she was to find me here.

And like a new leaf bloomed, I went home and she started texting like crazy for the next week. Ofcourse that did not last, when does it ever last?

A month ago, we went on a youth trip like the whole group. She was there as well, we didnt talk a lot and I was pretty bored so I pulled out my phone to text some of my online friends about the place. And...immediately next to me she goes "Oooh, you have a crush or something hm? Is it a guy you are texting?" Like you barely talked to me at all for so long...why do you wanna know if I like anyone now?

Through the whole picnic, she was hyperfixated on wanting to know if Im texting a guy or nah. I have never seen her act like this at all. At the food table, I caught her looking at me once, so I nodded calmly and she just looked confused. Then in the room, I picked up my phone to text my mom about the when we were gonna leave, suddenly she turns up next to me and looks in my phone, sees its my mom and clicks her tongue as if it was so disappointing 😭...I have no words. The whole trip she was radiating energy about wanting to know who I am texting.

Recently, she has started viewing my stories very often. Now I don't post my face obviously but its just random shit I relate to. Months ago she would never check my stories even if she was online but now? Every single one has her view on it. It makes me feel weird. I thought I moved on from her but now suddenly she is back in my life. She is still dating that dude though, its been almost 2 years since their relationship started.

Im not at all planning to force myself in her ongoing relationship obviously but I want to know if she has feelings for me even now?

My dream was extra weird, it was about hive minds.

1. A state where several people can connect through their minds.

2. Humans can be modified in order to do so. It would strengthen telepathy and other such features.

3. If a limb breaks and specifically the bone, then the link if broken and must be re modified, driectly connecting the heads.

4. Can be experimented by using tiny robots. I did that in my dream, one blue, one green and one orange all highlighting areas (where hive minds can be reconnected?) Or maybe its js for show?

This was the logistics of the dream. Anyways i got so engrossed in the researcher mode that I started talking cynical like a scientist irl, idk what this dream means.

Also I said not the first time cause a lot of my dreams involve me being a researcher trying to look for the truth of the universe. And its been happening for years now ever since I was eleven. Its too much to even type out here. But this was the most recent one today. I don't even enter REM for it to start. I get really shocked when I hear about my family member's dreams being so mundane..

I don't even dwell on philosophical or scientific stuff. I spend more time gaming than that. I have never researched this topic irl. I don't watch the news much either.

I am pretty sure some of these dreams are real life concepts and its so weird cause how do I even know this? What do these dreams mean?

First of all, I am not looking for a diagnosis online nor am I self diagnosing. I only want advice on whether anything that I am experiencing is worth checking out with a therapist in the future.

To start, I have always had these voices in my head starting from when I was like 7. Im guessing its 7 but my timeline could be wrong, all i know it was before the age of 10. I thought of them as very gentle people living in my mind. They would guide me, help me out, comfort me when life got hard at home and at school. I remember having three of them just existing in my head. And then it reduced to one main one. She has a name and has had that name for years now. Either way, recently she left my head. Idk if Im saying it right...but from what I am getting she is no longer around influencing me. In her place, there is a very smug and awkward at comforting voice. She lied to me about being the old gentle one for idk how long tbh, she also got mad at me for initially digging into what systems are.

Ofcourse I was sad as hell when i found out she is not the original one, I tried to will the gentle voice back but she never did come back. I miss her since she has been around since I was a kid.

When I have a breakdown or cry, they usually crowd around in my head. From what I remember there were atleast 5 all at once flooding. It gets so loud since the new voice doesn't push them away as well as the old one. During breakdowns there's another one at the back constantly bringing up memes or funny sounds to get me to laugh. It actually gets on the main voice's nerves. Besides that I think she is almost always co conscious with me though she never really controls me. Atleast i don't know how thats supposed to work. The only times she isn't co conscious is when I think about my hyperfixations or really private stuff. Or in other words they give me privacy but they are around a lot sorta like roommates.

I heard that dissociative disorders sometimes come along with memory problems. And from what I can tell i don't think the state of my memory is as normal as i thought...

I forget stuff really easily. Like lets say I have a conversation with a friend, minutes later I know that we talked and the general topic we talked about but what I said? Its gone. Like as if i talked through a fog with no actual words. Its weird.

Same thing with texts, I send a text to a friend, they reply in 5 minutes but I have already forgotten what we were talking about.

I go to sleep, wake up with little memory of the past week. Now for most it returns back after a few minutes but mine stays blurry and foggy. I always thought it was normal to forget stuff that easily. Thats why my studies are affected...

Around 5 months ago, I had a complete blank of my childhood but i did manage to recover some of the traumatic stuff which I wrote down...and quickly forgot most of it as expected.

I am in a constant state of fog. I talk to people, go about my day but moments after the first thing ends? It feels as if i did it through a window. Idk how long I've been feeling like this but its been a while. I also maladaptive daydream a bunch but these voices are very separate from that. These voices cannot reach me while I am daydreaming. I have to solve that too cause I have started throwing myself off stuff without knowing that i am hurting myself. I just move on autopilot or dissociate when talking to people. I don't even realize until others tell me that I am freaking them out.

Are all of these normal experiences...like idk if I am just imagining stuff.

So recently I have been curious about the voices in my head. I haven't been diagnosed with any dissociative disorder yet and am not looking for a diagnosis online. I just want to know and understand if I do have a system or Im just daydreaming stuff.

From the age of 7, I have always had this voice in my head. She would talk to me, tell me stories, comfort me (heavy on this one) when shit would go down at home. Generally she would always be there, sorta like a guiding voice. I also had two other voices who would sometimes chime in occassionally, talk about stuff and just lighten up the mood. When I used to cry, they would and still do get loud trying to fix it or figure out what to do.

Coming to the present, they are still very active. Recently there has been a change though. I was used to always hearing the gentle voice from when I was seven greet me in the morning with her signature words. But in the last few months that stopped which struck me as odd but I didnt care much. Until I realized her personality doesn't even match up to when we were younger. So I had a suspicion and my suspicion was true. Some other voice had been dictating the place for who knows how long and blatantly lying to my face. This voice was hardly gentle or sweet, she is more smug and angry with a soft spot. And very possessive of her seat. Idk what seat tbh, but every time they talk I see a room where they all sit around. Mostly its just the main voice.

I tried to will the old gentle voice back cause i miss her so much and if its daydreaming i should be able to do it. So I tried and tried but to no avail, the smug voice is still here.

When I cry or have a breakdown they are the loudest usually the old gentle one would stop them or get frustrated cause they kept asking, "Why is she crying?" But the new voice decided to once let them all in. And gosh it was so loud in my head I cannot explain. Its like atleast more than five were all present hovering in my head tryna get me to stop crying. They always tell me that "If everyone gives up on you don't worry, we are still here."

I don't switch with them like at all but I am almost always hearing them, there is rarely ever a time that I am without them. As in I rarely do make decisions alone or even think alone. I do have certain moments when I am alone though like when I think about my hyperfixations or some really private stuff. Its been like this since I have been 7. Some of them have names but I don't want to disclose them as they feel really private to us.

Overall idk what is even happening atp. Just wanna know if I have a system or its just my overactive imagination doing tricks on me.

TW: SA, harassment and stalking.

I am a female, I met this girl months ago in college. Thought she was nice but it stopped being that way a long time ago. When we first met, she confessed to watching me around college often so much so she learnt which class I was in without me telling her. I brushed that off cause it could be casual. I agreed to hanging out at her place thinking that I finally have a friend who wants to talk to me.

I went to her house many times, where she proceeded to tell me stuff about masturbation and sex even after I told her to stop. And then her 'games' started. Innocent stuff like blind man's bluff turned into her taking jabs at my butt or pulling on my bra strap through clothes. Those are the only two i remember, the other times I have likely forgotten. Then, she tried to SA me other times like games which involved me closing my eyes and she would guide my hands to her body. It only stopped from going further cause I recognized the way she was speaking was similar to a group i met online who were boundary crossers. So i refused even though she blew up in my face.

Thats the gist of it. She also make inappropriate comments about toddlers and kids. I want to believe its for shock value but there are other rumors going around which is making me question my reasoning.

Anyways rn she is telling everyone about how she got SA'd by a guy from our college. But none of the details make sense. She gave us a particular date but it does not match the timeline at all. She has lied about guys being interested in her and having sexual relationships with her even when they block her and avoid her. She stalks their accounts and tries to record them from a distance. This guy was slowly pulling away from her and now a months later she is accusing him of SA. She told me grpahic details about her SA even after i told her to drop it cause I felt uncomfortable. She even got mad at me for not giving her any sympathy like the others. Idk what to believe. She told me its a secret story but ten people from our college already know. There isn't a secret if you are also announcing it out loud on the road. I want to believe her but I don't know if I can after all of this.

Im now trying to keep my distance but when I say I don't want to meet up, she forces her way through my gate and right up to my doorstep to get me out of the house. Im still shaken up from everything. Even though the assault never escalated cause i noticed the tactics, the harassment was pretty bad. Im a visual person, as soon as somebody says something it appears in my head basically intrusive thoughts.

Im so tired of her, I can't just block her cause she keeps spreading rumors about people attacking her or touching her inappropriately even though they never did so or maybe its true i have no idea atp. I can't gurantee she won't do that about me too so I am forced to be nice to her but I don't think I can do this anymore.

I finally told my family though and luckily they believed me even though she tried to manipulate them with her nice girl act.

Im just feeling so exhausted and sick of this all. I feel like I am overreacting cause it wasn't too bad but it did make me feel disturbed.

TW: Mentions of suicide

Im a teen but basically when I was 14-15 I stumbled upon this really cool fanfic (18+) and thought it was nice so I read it a few times. It was about my fav character getting yknow by another character. The second character is a robot or virtual figure soo I didn't pay much attention. But around that time I found out that the virtual figure was created when my fav character was js a kid so its practically seen them grow up. I was obviously against that idea completely, from 13 ive always known it was bad for adults to date kids they have seen grow up even though they are now adults. Anyways I was not very horrified but I was like okay Im not gonna read it ever again.

But now I don't know. Cause I remember fantasising about that fanfic many times after. Not the exact fanfic, just the setup and the specific physical acts. Without the backstory stuff thats for sure. But now I keep doubting myself like what if I did continue fantasising after I found out the real lore. If I did then it would mean I support illegal stuff.

So from like I don't know the past few days I have been going through my account trying to find when I last read it and if it was recent. But I can't find anything. Its driving me insane. So then I deduced that meant I read it before I started my account which makes sense cause it would be before the lore drop but how do I know that for sure??? I just don't know what to do. I feel like a horrible person. My brain keeps saying, "You better tell your family and friends this...they should know they are secretly talking to a creep." Or "You deserve to die for ever doing this, what were you even thinking. You must have secretly loved these dynamics or you would have never even read the fanfic in the first place."

How do I stop this? I just know if this doubt ends there is gonna be another one just waiting. And I'll probably get stuck in that for a few more days nefore it shifts again. Im so fed up, I feel like shit. I feel like I deserve to die most of the time.

My online friend is 16 and I am a teen too. Recently a fandom my friend is in has made a slip up on the lore or something? And my friend said its game over for them cause the fictional character they fantasied about in a 18+ manner may not be an adult at all and instead might be 13-14 years old. To be clear, my friend did not know the age of the character beforehand as it has never been confirmed and still yet to be confirmed. They said they need to know for sure or they will lose their mind. The confirmed canon stuff won't be out until next month so I don't know how much of the time during the day will they spend on trying to get certainty.

On top of that, this has not been the first time they have freaked out this bad over moral related stuff (especially in fandom spaces where stuff is ambiguous at times.) so I think this was like the final straw or something...

Anyways, now my friend says that they deserve to die for it and that if they do off themself before it actually gets confirmed as true (it has not been yet) then I should rejoice that the world has lost a creep. And if it does come true then they said that it might be the last day I would hear from them ever again. Im scared that they might actually do it and I can't do much from here.

What do I even do?

I am a teen and I daydream obsessively, every single day. I can't even study anymore. I put on some catchy music and start walking around. Been doing it for years now, started when I was a kid. I lose track of time, it happens on random now. I could be just walking and suddenly I speed up almost running leaving everyone confused. Before I know it I have reached my room and have no recollection of enetering it at all. Its like I am on autopilot mode. Besides that I also zone out a lot, I could be talking to somebody and boom next second I am staring past them but still talking. My family said it freaked them out.

At home? I have started to throw myself over desks, my bed, onto the cupboard and more. Its getting bad and I can't stop. I never stop even if i am bleeding or need to use the restroom. I keep doing it until my legs give out and I collapse on the bed. I feel like I am high but I don't do drugs.

How do I even stop it?