u/Femalefelinesavior

I'm really heartbroken. All week I was depressed over multiple things like my job, grandma being sick, and myself getting a sore throat, Etc.

Last weekend I went to see my friends and couldn't find the correct parking lot on the college campus. Bf started giving me directions to the parking lot he normally parks in. Halfway there I said wait we are going the wrong direction, my friends are the other way and there's no one in this parking lot you're making me park super far away in an empty lot.

He yelled at me and said that I'm so busy telling him it's the wrong parking lot and we didn't even get there yet.

Anyway we parked and it's 0.4 mile away from the correct spot, and I had to go up 2 flights of outside concrete stairs wearing boots. I was crying and he didn't even notice I was crying, he asked if I was fixing my makeup and I said no. He didn't say anything while I cried and I said whatever maybe we should breakup then. He didn't say shit and walked away...

All day we had to walk a ton and then walked back to the car by the end of the day, my ankles were bleeding so I walked barefoot back in the hot concrete sun, while holding my boots and holding everything we got, including the stuff he got.

Anyway Wednesday I texted him all day about how sad I was. When I got out of work, I didn't go home. I stayed in my car from 8pm to 1am just driving aimlessly and crying. Like hysterical. I felt lost and alone. He barely answers me and he's home doing nothing.

He kept saying come home I'm worried.

Anyway I come home and go to bed but his phone is buzzing at 3am and I'm like WTF?

So I open his phone and it's a hidden app with a pin lock. And I open it and it's a fucking dating app... He's getting notifications from a dating app.

What

The

Fuck.

6.5 years of dating, engaged, living together, having pets together, and for what?

I call him out on his shit. He INSISTS he didn't use the app and only downloaded it to "LOOK AT HIS OPTIONS"

IM SORRY hOW IS THAT BETTER??? He said he thought we were breaking up.

This 29 year old man doesn't shower unless I shower. He refuses to shower alone. He doesn't take his insulin unless I remind him. He's late for work every single day by 5-25 minutes. His car has been broken down for Months and he daily drives My car. I've been borrowing my mom's car for 2 years because of this...

On top of that he left me My car today and he took my mom's car and left the gas ON E

He makes almost twice as much $ as I do.

He doesn't go grocery shopping unless I take him with me. He doesn't cook. He doesn't clean. He doesn't do anything except ignore me, say he's busy, insult me and now break my heart.

But I'm the one that's hard to love apparently...

I'm hard to handle

Which fucking broke me worse than the dating appt tbh. I can forgive looking at options since he didn't message anyone or create an account but I can't really forgive him saying I'm hard to love when I clean everything, do everything, cook everything, arrange everything. I'm his fucking mommy.

I was this close to ending myself before I found the dating app. Now I'm just fucking sad.

he said because "once a month you(me) will tell me everything I ever did to hurt you and I have to sit there and take it and apologize because I know you're not doing well mentally."

And I said YEAH BECAUSE YOU DONT Take CARE OF YOURSELF you never improve. You refuse counseling and meds. You cancel doctor appts that I make for you. You stopped seeing your own friends. You're miserable and depressed and you refuse to do anything to improve this.

I even offer to take him to my own counselor and give him my own mental health medication and he refuses.

Anyway, I'm lost. I intertwined my entire life with this fucking man for nearly 7 years. We live together. I have a wedding all thought out. I wear a ring. He yelled at me once and I said fine breakup with me if I'm so mean WHILE I WAS CRYING., and he Immediately started looking at other women.

How the fuck am I hard to handle and he's not. I'm sorry once a month I tell him to shower because he shits his pants and jerks off daily and he's disgusting. He won't even come with me to visit my dying grandma nor does he ever EVER ask me about her or ask me how I feel about it.

The only way he ever comforts me is by hugging me and I don't think that's how you fix an issue. You fix issues by communicating and working on yourself. Improving yourself. Improving and uplifting each other.

But I'm doing all the uplifting.

I'm so sad. I have no where to live. I have no where to go. I have no one to talk too. I don't want to live in a shelter because what about my dog and cats. What about all my stuff. What about my 2 cars. What about my heart.

I'm so heart broken.

I'm so upset I love him still right now.

How could he do this to me.

How.

I just keep saying that I don't understand.

I just don't understand how you can do this to the girl that does everything for you.

How...

How is this my fault ...?

Am I really that unlovable?

Unbearable?

He used to be so sweet to me and he stopped...

I admit I'm not perfect but at least I got to counseling, take mental health meds, gave CBT workbooks and shadow work books to help myself. I journal and write everything out and communicate as best as I can.

My biggest flaw is that I need reassurance at least once a week. And I didn't always need it....

I guess I'm just unlovable....

One day I'll die and I hope he reads this and realized how fucking hurt I am. I'm not even mad. I honestly just miss how he used to treat me.... I just want to be loved again.

I never felt so isolated and alone in my entire life.

I said that to him before the dating app was found...

So this makes it 1000% worse....

I hope one day I'm happy and loved and cared for, the same way I cared and love for him....

I'm sobbing and heartbroken about being told I'm unbearable more than anything... I try so fucking hard to not blow up and to be nice and communicate and I've gotten significantly better over the years....

Tldr: got yelled at. I cried. Went home and made up. Found a dating app on his phone behind a hidden app. He apologized. I have no where to go. I have a shit job with shit income in New York. I have a cat and a large dog and a car. I have no family except abusive mom and my grandma whose dying of end stage lung cancer. I need a place to live. Shelter won't let me keep my dog.

Is downloading a dating app cheating ?

Where do you go if you can't afford to rent alone? None of my friends need a roommate. How do you know if the love is gone? Does leaving someone bc they're depressed make you a bad person, if they refuse to get help? I don't want to leave I'm heartbroken but I feel like I have no choice. I love him with all my heart but deserve better

Thanks

I think my trust and love has been broken so many times that I literally cannot trust anyone now. I'm stuck in this weird limbo where I love my family and my bf but no matter what they do or say or feel, I don't believe them. .I'm still lonely. I'm still sad.

I go to therapy and I've been cycled through different counselors and mental medications since I was at least 12, but I can't seem to be happy.

I can't find a career that makes me happy because I care too much about everything I do so whenever I get in trouble at work, I start getting overly anxious.

I worked as a vet assistant from 2015 to 2025. By the end I was vomiting and crying at the thought of almost every shift. I love my job and most of the clients and animals.

But holy shit my old coworkers and managers are evil.

I got fired bc the manager was telling everyone that a coworker was an alcoholic and I reported it and got fired the VERY NEXT SHIFT I WORKED. They said bc I was not lining up with their schedule which is bullshit bc I'm available 24/7. I worked from 11pm to 7:30 for 8 years at a different vet.

My bf of 6+ years is extremely depressed and doesn't do anything to fix this.

It aggravates me that I go to counseling and take meds and make new friends and do my absolute best to do all the stuff to improve my life yet I'm worse now than ever.

He works a regular 8 to 5p job and makes nearly twice what i make. He hasn't fixed his car and refuses to let me fix it and refuses to bring it to a mechanic even who he has more than enough $ to fix it.

I have done so much to try to improve both of our lives and I have gotten absolutely no where.

I'm trying to stop improving others lives and it's nearly impossible when you don't live alone.

I simply can't afford to live alone right now and it's awful.

I have no siblings or aunts or uncles or real family

I only have my grandma who has end stage lung cancer

And my bipolar, violent, aggressive, hoarder, evil, single mother.

I miss being loved, and cared for.

I miss being a kid. The good parts anyway.

I just want to be loved again.

I'm so beyond alone and sad and I don't know what else I can possibly do to fix this issue.

What do I do?