u/Fetus-Deletus1

My soul is dead.

My narc mom knows I hate her. I mean I've told her over and over but she seems to ignore reality and act as if me and her somehow have a relationship. Im stuck at her place right now as i have no where to go and she does this thing where she'll come at my door and say my name aloud. It's annoying and I've told her to stop over snd over but she doesn't care and does it anyway. Im always locked away in my room trying to apply to jobs and when she does this it typically puts me in a bad headspace and mood because she's disregarding my boundaries while also making sure to remind me that i have to stay here with her because I have no where else to go. It's like a reminder of her saying i am stuck with her and dependent on her for my survival. It's emotional and mental abuse living with this woman and I feel like I'm in hell and I can't escape.

My mom does the bare minimum like any parents should for a child they birth which is to provide financial. She stopped though because I've pulled back from her, I actively avoid her day to day. My mom enabled harm inflicted on me by my dad, her landlord, her son etc. she's always the middle person between me and my abusers who tries to force a relationship. My dad strangled me, her landlord sexually harassed me and her son physically assaulted me and these are just the bare minimum, I've faced repeated harm and abuse. My mom tells me to forgive and forget my dad almost killing me. She went on a call after her landlord sexually harassed me telling him that I'm just dealing with issues and to leave me alone. Her son hit me in the head repeatedly on the floor and she made him write an apology letter put under my door (I gave it back).

I promised myself to not gift her anything but given we live under the same roof, I'm truly dependent on her right now gor a place to stay given I'm under a ton of stress, no job, no money, just escaped an harmful environment, leave school due to harm etc. its much more difficult. I escape the advertisements either, they're everywhere. I had medical issues recently which she was around for. I don't ask her for anything or money because her actions and love feels conditional. She gave me birthday gifts recently and now I feel in debt to gifting her something. I did gift her birthday gifts but I'm tired and over pretending as if our dynamic isn't dysfunctional and not working. My mom liked keeping our family business quiet especially when my dad was hitting her and abusing me. She'd tell me a man who'd harm me so often actually loved me. It's sick and disgusting and gross. This is my first time not gifting her mother's day present and she might resent me for it. I'm worried also because I currently depend on her for a place to stay. I'm on the verge of saying fuck it anyway and leaving for good because my situation feels like a never ending nightmare that I can't wake up from.

My mom does the bare minimum like any parents should for a child they birth which is to provide financial. She stopped though because I've pulled back from her, I actively avoid her day to day. My mom enabled harm inflicted on me by my dad, her landlord, her son etc. she's always the middle person between me and my abusers who tries to force a relationship. My dad strangled me, her landlord sexually harassed me and her son physically assaulted me and these are just the bare minimum, I've faced repeated harm and abuse. My mom tells me to forgive and forget my dad almost killing me. She went on a call after her landlord sexually harassed me telling him that I'm just dealing with issues and to leave me alone. Her son hit me in the head repeatedly on the floor and she made him write an apology letter put under my door (I gave it back).

I promised myself to not gift her anything but given we live under the same roof, I'm truly dependent on her right now gor a place to stay given I'm under a ton of stress, no job, no money, just escaped an harmful environment, leave school due to harm etc. its much more difficult. I escape the advertisements either, they're everywhere. I had medical issues recently which she was around for. I don't ask her for anything or money because her actions and love feels conditional. She gave me birthday gifts recently and now I feel in debt to gifting her something. I did gift her birthday gifts but I'm tired and over pretending as if our dynamic isn't dysfunctional and not working. My mom liked keeping our family business quiet especially when my dad was hitting her and abusing me. She'd tell me a man who'd harm me so often actually loved me. It's sick and disgusting and gross. This is my first time not gifting her mother's day present and she might resent me for it. I'm worried also because I currently depend on her for a place to stay. I'm on the verge of saying fuck it anyway and leaving for good because my situation feels like a never ending nightmare that I can't wake up from.

I am deep in debt (student loans, credit card, medical bills etc.). I live in an unsafe environment where I've been sexually harassed, assaulted, harmed multiple times. I can't leave. I am stuck here. I can't go out much either. All of this could be solved if I had money.

I can't do this anymore. I gave away 3/4 of my items. I have been job hunting for a while now, years. I got accepted for a role then ghosted. I've been sleeping to escape life. Lol I've tried the positive thoughts and affirmations. Unfortunately those don't work. I've tried everything. I'm at my wits end, on the verge of going extinct. I'm just waiting for my body to gain some energy for me to finally take action and leave.