u/Few-Kaleidoscope3904

Once, i was so close to the moon.
Every night, i check when it shines bright, if its well.
If there were clouds in its eyes…
But… it seems…
The moon doesn’t need me anymore.
(Or maybe it never did.)
So now, i go along my day, and my nights.
As I bake.
sweep, read, sleep and wake up,
Work, sing, write, and make bed,
Cook, eat, drink, and have my daily bread…
Doing all but with the slight change,
no longer do I check if the moon is alright.
She’s there somewhere. I know she is.
The moon i once was close to and shines me back.

EDIT 02

Confessions ph sana kaso walang choice n No comments/advice needed…
But this too is a letter, that i won’t be able to send. To myself. And to you. And to the version of you that i talk to in my head.

My brain is wanting to keep writing again,
It was overthinking, but now, not sad thoughts,
Just an urge to write these thoughts,
To know it once existed…
To mark “here lies my toughts once”
But it has gone through the cycle,
Of grief, overthinking, making sense of things, and acceptance.

And I realized something…
It doesn’t matter who would love me.
Or if there is someone who will.
No, its not a defense mechanism from hurt.
Maybe its a result of it, maybe not.
But its a realization none the less.

It doesn’t matter because…
I wouldn’t mind whoever it will be.
Her looks, if she’s cute and chubby, sad or bubbly,
Thin and chinita, small with glasses, successful or normal.
It doesn’t matter anymore.
Nothing trivial can make me look at someone anymore.
Falling for someone can be instant to me…
As long as they chooses me.

I think ganun n ko dati? Just that this time, its much more than that.
Falling for someone who liked, or did love me first. Although there’s times that I wasn’t able to fall in love back.

This time, all i need is someone knows what love is, and chooses to pray together and work things out with me. And no, its not lowering the standard. Actually its the opposite. Its the highest. For it forgets all the trivial stuffs that once seemed important.

There is not more important in this matter than willingness to keep learning love and continue to grow, and be guided together. Everything else comes after.

I was slow to recognize these obvious things. There were too many noises and trivial things. And i’ve lost part of me to each and other time. Wasn’t able to grow the way i wanted, for i gave parts of me everytime. Like someone who feels i can’t be loved back when i don’t give more of mine. Even though initially, my walls were high.

Now… i will keep my walls high. Higher. But with different standards.
And will fall easily to the one who can love truly. Without games. Without chess. Without anything else. But love and honesty.

I’m weak too. Full of flaws. But will continue to be strong for the one who would be there and stay.

Restarted writing here for the month. But i’m about to be okay.

Actually i stopped making my letters in another account, dito n lng, i knew someone i know would respond, and i’m just not letting someone else comfort me just yet.

Life update.
Loan done this month,
HMO Will be done this month,
Book reading started - atomic habits
Baking, restarted.

Next purchase
-whiteboard
-phonr/ipad 11

Scheduled hangout
-2

New work +1
Current projects 3

Personal project…
Still thinking. Youtube. Comics. Asset store.

=============

Once, i was so close to the moon.
Every night, i check when it shines bright, if its well.
If there were clouds in its eyes…
But… it seems…
The moon doesn’t need me anymore.
(Or maybe it never did.)
So now, i go along my day, and my nights.
As I bake.
sweep, read, sleep and wake up,
Work, sing, write, and make bed,
Cook, eat, drink, and have my daily bread…
Doing all but with the slight change,
no longer do I check if the moon is alright.
She’s there somewhere. I know she is.
The moon i once was close to and shines me back.

===============

In reality some of this love remains.
And it will be gone once i’m sure your love is gone.

Preventive measures lang para d maulit nangyari samin. May tips din kayo for mas mura but effective. And how much it cost for one bahay lang

Nothing juicy, just…

I gave up on correcting my sleep hahahaha
I kept trying to make my morning morning again, and night night
My body clock is a mess, but it seems am just functioning better when there is not much sun?
So instead of me kept on trying to adjust tulog, while being not so productive, hinayaan n lng.
Basta makagawa and magkaprogress na lang

Downside is less human interaction, but i get that at morning nmn before sleep, kht s hapon.
But at least two of my already few friends are on the other side of the world, yung isa pabalik n next month so wala n tlga ako kausap n nmn s kabilugan ng buwan 😂

I wanna correct my sleep p nmn para makapagovernight n and night swimming kasi may time lng pwede. And am gonna try n magyaya day travel s malayong lugar just to work like in a cafe hahah. Welp. Ayos lng if alone, kaso wla din nmn mapuntahan s gabi. Mga taong gusto ko kasama nasa umaga hahahah.

So ayun. I gave up fixing what does not wanted to get fixed.
Sabi ko lng, but i still want to wake up like how everybody does.

Life is changing soon.

Sorry that i had to deactivate. I just don’t want to see something you re-shared that felt unfair to me, and am hoping not to see something similar so i won’t get sad. Because it gives anyone unease when someone you care would rather share to anyone/anything else than talk it out with you and mend. I hated awkwardness and yet i fought it to do the right thing if we want something to work.
Because not willing to talk and work it out feels abandonment and unloved. And i started to be pulled on he cycle, but i always wanted to talk and mend even the little things. Maybe because it seems to be whats right.

I deactivated to not get disheartened. Thats the only reason. Just for 7days. As default.

But when i activated, i saw some status changed or shown, while some images gone.
I got back, and yet i felt disheartened some more, by the choices made.
You do know that its like announcing you’re free from someone and doesn’t want he connection anymore, right? When you’re free others would feel they have their shot.
The reason i never changed mine, nor told my family/others, is because i’m keeping us. The connection. And choosing us. And i never wanted anyone to see that I’m free. My doors remain closed.

I’m just hoping, wishing, and waiting silently for some of the steps you chose be undone. To get hope or feel that some of these connections restored.
Because when more are gone, when it feels too many were chosen to be severed, i just have to let go, for i’m not made for the games of push and pull, or game of who gives up first. At some near point, i would just have to snap. “Ah its the end, what am i even doing here, what am i even hoping to happen?”.
Because we don’t let go of the ones wanted in our life. We don’t let them be the fool. We’d rather hold their hands.

Because when you wanted me gone, or be really free for something/someone better to come, if i’m just nothing, if that’s what finally seems to me, then i’ll just have to stop. You asked self respect? I have them. Just that i remember you were sad when you thought i gave up back then.

But…
When you wanted to be free, then you’ll be. And i’d finally let you severe all the ties. Passively. In silence. Away. And am slowly learning that.
And if I have to gave up, its Because I tried. A lot. I hope you know.

I’ll be fine. Been here before.

What choice do i have? But to read between the actions you made. Whether right or wrong. When you no longer speak your heart to me.

I love you. But don’t worry, your choices can it stop.

Deleted my secret account on reddit.
No, i haven’t used it to talk/meet other people,
I have used it for lurking…
and commenting unto certain sensitive topics, share my views, and often share some warnings to people, hoping they could be reminded of getter choices.
But i deleted it now.
I have this long urge to turn a new leaf.
In my head… it feel like
“At last i don’t have to see those subreddits again”
that i read or open when it get pass through my feed, but hated them inside, and sometimes, my stomach churn just seeing the names of those subreddits. Aj, rforr, gw, etc.
It feels like the more that i see them, the more grave are being dug.
I also get some trauma…just thinking that people i know or care might be there. Maybe its overacting but, at some point it became grievance. Maybe its hard to understand why. The fastest way to learn might be…if you are a father (or mom) and you have a daughter(or a boy), you’d wish for them to experience life in a better way.

—

Its tiring, meeting new people.
new people that feels like you know it wouldn’t last, however the two of you pretend to care, because the place you’ve met is reddit, a place where responsibility, accountability, and commitment was cranked to the lowest. If dating site is, reddit is more, and in a more fast phased unintentional way. Even for friendship often times here. Everything has expiration. What more in others.
Though I’ve met at least two good people, by meet i mean just talk online time to time. Even that too feels unreal and not genuine sometimes. And what do i expect? its reddit.

This place is good for discussions. Just that. Once you opened some doors, and tried to connect and/or meet people… or certain subs to past time. Read. Look. Watch. thats where it eats you up. Slowly. Like a drug prescribe but instead you got addicted to it. And got ruined. Where the more you know, the more you drown. And you can’t unknown. And un-think that this is good for you, or good past time. When it slowly turn into not. Like being cuddle too much, for too long, that you don’t want to stand on your own, and grow, just that this time it includes desires, temptation, and dopamine addiction into something new, or someone new, or anything worth exploring. It has its uses, but there is a thin line from useful to the other wide or it. Maybe it became a place for broken people. And breaking unbroken people. And the healing it offers were facade for making you stuck and reliant. Well its true that there are good information too…but sometimes thats the trap. How much have you gain vs what you’ve lost for the whole of you that you’ve invested.

Maybe its not about the gain or losses. Maybe.

—

Pretty much at some point i’ll delete everything too, time to restart and refresh life. Even my social media were deactivated. And i’ll be using jus the ones for work at some point. May the use of my time be more fruitful, and be more on learning and building up. May it be full with wonderful talk with people, brave people in stepping unto life, may i be one of them. Grinding. Being. Living.

Thank you reddit for all the experience and talks and discussions. This is just me and my experience, and feeling towards it. May I be wiser this time. May we all are.

Until you no longer love me…
And when you opened your doors.
For mine have always been closed…
With only you in it. No one could sneak, invite, or talk through it.

And my love for you stays until
the silence became too much.
Because it feeds from your presence
And it dying from hunger and drought is too much.

You’d know, when it got to me.
You’d see me say some words in past tense.
But for now…
I miss you. Deeply.

Okay, pagod n ko magig korni. Last n itu.