u/Few-Source3120

Me (24F) and my best friend (24F) both have BPD and very similar trauma histories. We joke that I’m “further along” in healing because I’m not as destructive as I used to be and I’m no longer desperately trying to find someone new to obsess over romantically. I physically can’t even force myself to message new people anymore. Meanwhile she still constantly seeks out relationships, usually with unstable or unhealthy men.

Recently she started seeing a guy who immediately gave me bad vibes. Before she went to his house, she asked what I thought of him and I told her honestly that he creeped me out and I didn’t think she should continue seeing him. She even said if I wanted her to break up with him, she would. But I also know from experience that when she gets attached, she stays, even when things get abusive.

The third time she saw him in person, he raped her.

She had already told him she didn’t want him ejaculating inside her, but he pressured her until she gave in. During sex she told him to stop because he was hurting her physically and he ignored her. Afterwards, he apparently put on a YouTube video teaching her how to lie to me because he knew me and her are extremely close and he didn’t want her telling me what happened.

They were also both extremely high and he had weed everywhere around his house (my friend has been struggling to get sober, but still trying).

I picked her up afterwards and she was crying, in physical pain, and could barely move properly for days afterwards.

I helped her block him and supported her through the breakup, but he kept finding ways to contact her through different apps and even bank transaction references. Eventually she started talking to him again because she was scared she might be pregnant. Turns out she isn't and she cried because part of her actually hoped she was, because all she wants is to have her own family someday.

Now she messages him constantly all day.

I’m exhausted. I’m already off sick at work because of my own mental health and a divorce I’m going through. We also only moved in together just over a month ago, and while I love her deeply, I’m starting to regret it. I can’t afford this place alone, but living in this constant chaos is destroying me mentally.

What’s really getting to me is that I’ve spent weeks trying to emotionally supporting her, making sure she eats, comforting her, checking on her constantly, etc. Meanwhile I’ve broken down crying from stress in front of her and gotten almost nothing back.

Even though I'm guilty of going back into toxic things, I genuinely do not understand how she can still want contact with someone who violated her like this. I know trauma bonds exist, and I know BPD attachment issues are complicated, but I’m becoming increasingly angry and resentful because her decisions now directly affect my life and my home too.

I don’t know how to talk to her about this anymore without causing an argument or sounding controlling. I also know if she goes back to him, there’s a real chance she’ll intentionally try to get pregnant while simultaneously not really wanting it.

I feel awful for even thinking this, but I think this situation has made me realise how unwell she actually is compared to me.

How do I set boundaries here without abandoning her? Or what do I even say in general?

Me (24F) and my best friend (24F) both have BPD and very similar trauma histories. We joke that I’m “further along” in healing because I’m not as destructive as I used to be and I’m no longer desperately trying to find someone new to obsess over romantically. I physically can’t even force myself to message new people anymore. Meanwhile she still constantly seeks out relationships, usually with unstable or unhealthy men.

Recently she started seeing a guy who immediately gave me bad vibes. Before she went to his house, she asked what I thought of him and I told her honestly that he creeped me out and I didn’t think she should continue seeing him. She even said if I wanted her to break up with him, she would. But I also know from experience that when she gets attached, she stays, even when things get abusive.

The third time she saw him in person, he raped her.

She had already told him she didn’t want him ejaculating inside her, but he pressured her until she gave in. During sex she told him to stop because he was hurting her physically and he ignored her. Afterwards, he apparently put on a YouTube video teaching her how to lie to me because he knew me and her are extremely close and he didn’t want her telling me what happened.

They were also both extremely high and he had weed everywhere around his house (my friend has been struggling to get sober, but still trying).

I picked her up afterwards and she was crying, in physical pain, and could barely move properly for days afterwards.

I helped her block him and supported her through the breakup, but he kept finding ways to contact her through different apps and even bank transaction references. Eventually she started talking to him again because she was scared she might be pregnant. Turns out she isn't and she cried because part of her actually hoped she was, because all she wants is to have her own family someday.

Now she messages him constantly all day.

I’m exhausted. I’m already off sick at work because of my own mental health and a divorce I’m going through. We also only moved in together just over a month ago, and while I love her deeply, I’m starting to regret it. I can’t afford this place alone, but living in this constant chaos is destroying me mentally.

What’s really getting to me is that I’ve spent weeks trying to emotionally supporting her, making sure she eats, comforting her, checking on her constantly, etc. Meanwhile I’ve broken down crying from stress in front of her and gotten almost nothing back.

Even though I'm guilty of going back into toxic things, I genuinely do not understand how she can still want contact with someone who violated her like this. I know trauma bonds exist, and I know BPD attachment issues are complicated, but I’m becoming increasingly angry and resentful because her decisions now directly affect my life and my home too.

I don’t know how to talk to her about this anymore without causing an argument or sounding controlling. I also know if she goes back to him, there’s a real chance she’ll intentionally try to get pregnant while simultaneously not really wanting it.

I feel awful for even thinking this, but I think this situation has made me realise how unwell she actually is compared to me.

How do I set boundaries here without abandoning her? Or what do I even say in general?

Me (24F) and my best friend (24F) both have BPD and very similar trauma histories. We joke that I’m “further along” in healing because I’m not as destructive as I used to be and I’m no longer desperately trying to find someone new to obsess over romantically. I physically can’t even force myself to message new people anymore. Meanwhile she still constantly seeks out relationships, usually with unstable or unhealthy men.

Recently she started seeing a guy who immediately gave me bad vibes. Before she went to his house, she asked what I thought of him and I told her honestly that he creeped me out and I didn’t think she should continue seeing him. She even said if I wanted her to break up with him, she would. But I also know from experience that when she gets attached, she stays, even when things get abusive.

The third time she saw him in person, he raped her.

She had already told him she didn’t want him ejaculating inside her, but he pressured her until she gave in. During sex she told him to stop because he was hurting her physically and he ignored her. Afterwards, he apparently put on a YouTube video teaching her how to lie to me because he knew me and her are extremely close and he didn’t want her telling me what happened.

They were also both extremely high and he had weed everywhere around his house (my friend has been struggling to get sober, but still trying).

I picked her up afterwards and she was crying, in physical pain, and could barely move properly for days afterwards.

I helped her block him and supported her through the breakup, but he kept finding ways to contact her through different apps and even bank transaction references. Eventually she started talking to him again because she was scared she might be pregnant. Turns out she isn't and she cried because part of her actually hoped she was, because all she wants is to have her own family someday.

Now she messages him constantly all day.

I’m exhausted. I’m already off sick at work because of my own mental health and a divorce I’m going through. We also only moved in together just over a month ago, and while I love her deeply, I’m starting to regret it. I can’t afford this place alone, but living in this constant chaos is destroying me mentally.

What’s really getting to me is that I’ve spent weeks trying to emotionally supporting her, making sure she eats, comforting her, checking on her constantly, etc. Meanwhile I’ve broken down crying from stress in front of her and gotten almost nothing back.

Even though I'm guilty of going back into toxic things, I genuinely do not understand how she can still want contact with someone who violated her like this. I know trauma bonds exist, and I know BPD attachment issues are complicated, but I’m becoming increasingly angry and resentful because her decisions now directly affect my life and my home too.

I don’t know how to talk to her about this anymore without causing an argument or sounding controlling. I also know if she goes back to him, there’s a real chance she’ll intentionally try to get pregnant while simultaneously not really wanting it.

I feel awful for even thinking this, but I think this situation has made me realise how unwell she actually is compared to me.

How do I set boundaries here without abandoning her? Or what do I even say in general?