u/FifthCookie

I’ve never been much of a Redditor, and I’m not great at explaining my feelings, so I apologize if I don’t explain everything very well.

I’m 20F, and I’ve been dating my long-distance boyfriend (21M) for two years. We’re obviously not perfect, but we have a really good relationship. He’s considerate, intelligent, funny, and comes from a great family with really good values. We communicate well and genuinely enjoy being together, and have been set on getting married since day one. We live 11 hours apart, but we practically live together for about one week each month (visiting and what not).

For some context about where we’re both at in life: I have one year left to get my bachelor’s degree. I currently work a pretty unremarkable 9–5 making $15/hour, and I also make some income from YouTube. My boyfriend doesn’t attend school, but he’s been very successful on YouTube and currently makes around $5k–$15k a month from it. We’re also both very smart with our finances. 

His family has also become incredibly important to me. His parents have almost become like parents to me, and they’ve welcomed me into their home with open arms. I actually prefer the weather where he lives, the job opportunities are nearly identical to where I am now, and there are churches in his area that I really love.

On paper, moving there after marriage makes a lot of sense for me… The problem is my parents.

I love my parents. They’ve provided and have sacrificed a lot for me. But they really dislike my boyfriend, despite the fact that he’s never given them a reason as he’s always been extremely respectful toward them.

There have been countless comments and situations over the past two years, and I can’t possibly fit all of them here. But one example really sticks out to me: On New Year’s Eve, my boyfriend told my mom that he wanted to get engaged to me soon. She looked him in the face and told him he was just a “trial run” for me to figure out my preferences.

Yes, she actually said that.

The comments and behavior toward him have been going on since the beginning, from both of my parents.

I’ve mentioned before that I might eventually move out of state to be with him after we get married. Whenever I bring this up, my parents guilt-trip me, threaten to stop speaking to me, and have even threatened to drain my bank account so that I wouldn’t be financially capable of moving.

My boyfriend has also helped me recognize some behaviors from my parents that I previously didn't realize were manipulative or abusive (verbally and sometimes physically).

I still struggle to reconcile that with the fact that my parents have shown such extremes on both sides of the spectrum. Most of the time, things are completely fine. Then something like this happens, and I feel like I don't know what to think anymore. I genuinely believe they love me, which makes everything even more confusing.

At this point, the only things really tying me to where I currently live are my parents, the rest of my family, and the hope that they can still be part of my future family’s life. For further context, my whole family lives in the same area, and has for generations.

Now my boyfriend and I are seriously considering getting engaged, which would most likely mean me moving to his state.

My parents believe you shouldn’t even consider marriage until you’re 24–25, so getting engaged at 20/21 would already be completely unacceptable to them. I’m terrified that if I go through with this, I’ll lose them. I desperately want my parents to approve of me and my decisions. I want them to still love me and be part of my life. I don’t want to hurt them or throw away my relationship with them. But I also don’t want to make major life decisions based entirely on fear of how they’ll react.

So… How do I handle making major life decisions when my parents strongly disagreed with them?

How do I deal with the possibility that my parents might distance themselves me you because of my choices?

And how can I set boundaries with my parents without completely destroying our relationship?

I also have chronic anxiety and am a huge people pleaser, which definitely doesn’t help with all of these thoughts. I’d really appreciate any advice. But anyways, thank you for taking the time to read all of this. 🤍

I’ve never been much of a Redditor, and I’m not great at explaining my feelings, so I apologize if I don’t explain everything very well.

I’m 20F, and I’ve been dating my long-distance boyfriend (21M) for two years. We’re obviously not perfect, but we have a really good relationship. He’s considerate, intelligent, funny, and comes from a great family with really good values. We communicate well and genuinely enjoy being together, and have been set on getting married since day one. We live 11 hours apart, but we practically live together for about one week each month (visiting and what not).

For some context about where we’re both at in life: I have one year left to get my bachelor’s degree. I currently work a pretty unremarkable 9–5 making $15/hour, and I also make some income from YouTube. My boyfriend doesn’t attend school, but he’s been very successful on YouTube and currently makes around $5k–$15k a month from it. We’re also both very smart with our finances. 

His family has also become incredibly important to me. His parents have almost become like parents to me, and they’ve welcomed me into their home with open arms. I actually prefer the weather where he lives, the job opportunities are nearly identical to where I am now, and there are churches in his area that I really love.

On paper, moving there after marriage makes a lot of sense for me… The problem is my parents.

I love my parents. They’ve provided and have sacrificed a lot for me. But they really dislike my boyfriend, despite the fact that he’s never given them a reason as he’s always been extremely respectful toward them.

There have been countless comments and situations over the past two years, and I can’t possibly fit all of them here. But one example really sticks out to me: On New Year’s Eve, my boyfriend told my mom that he wanted to get engaged to me soon. She looked him in the face and told him he was just a “trial run” for me to figure out my preferences.

Yes, she actually said that.

The comments and behavior toward him have been going on since the beginning, from both of my parents.

I’ve mentioned before that I might eventually move out of state to be with him after we get married. Whenever I bring this up, my parents guilt-trip me, threaten to stop speaking to me, and have even threatened to drain my bank account so that I wouldn’t be financially capable of moving.

My boyfriend has also helped me recognize some behaviors from my parents that I previously didn't realize were manipulative or abusive (verbally and sometimes physically).

I still struggle to reconcile that with the fact that my parents have shown such extremes on both sides of the spectrum. Most of the time, things are completely fine. Then something like this happens, and I feel like I don't know what to think anymore. I genuinely believe they love me, which makes everything even more confusing.

At this point, the only things really tying me to where I currently live are my parents, the rest of my family, and the hope that they can still be part of my future family’s life. For further context, my whole family lives in the same area, and has for generations.

Now my boyfriend and I are seriously considering getting engaged, which would most likely mean me moving to his state.

My parents believe you shouldn’t even consider marriage until you’re 24–25, so getting engaged at 20/21 would already be completely unacceptable to them. I’m terrified that if I go through with this, I’ll lose them. I desperately want my parents to approve of me and my decisions. I want them to still love me and be part of my life. I don’t want to hurt them or throw away my relationship with them. But I also don’t want to make major life decisions based entirely on fear of how they’ll react.

So I guess I’m looking for advice on a few things:

What should I do about my parents?

Is it okay for me to move to another state after getting married, even if my parents strongly oppose it?

And am I actually getting engaged too young?

I also have chronic anxiety and am a huge people pleaser, which definitely doesn’t help with all of these thoughts. I’d really appreciate any advice. But anyways, thank you for taking the time to read all of this. 🤍