Lost??
Okay this is embarrassing but for the first time in my life i don’t have friends, except two who live out of state. I dropped/distanced myself from everyone i was friends with in my city bc i got tired of gossiping/shit-talking/bullying/only hanging bc of partying/benders (i have shit impulse control). It sucks and it’s lonely. I was brave enough to go out on my own recently and bumped into some of those people and ended up hanging out with them. It was fine. Everyone was nice/normal. But i don’t want to be friends with them again. I was just lonely. I can’t keep up with the craziness of that group nor do i want to, but it was nice to socialize. I feel like my whole life i was just like on/performing and when i started to have boundaries, people hated them and it isolated me. Not everyone but i just decided that anyone who associates with the crappy people, they’re not for me either. Basically, i don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be lonely. I don’t want to be afraid to trust people. I’m 35 and i feel fucking pathetic. Im glad i have a diagnosis (ADHD & PMDD) but it has also made me hyper aware of my brain/limits/life/everything… like i have clarity?? But not. Idk. And I’m doing the therapy which helps sometimes but UGH. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions? I feel really alone and don’t know what do or direction to go in.
Sorry for word salad/typos :/