u/Final-Refuse7545

I don't know if I belong here...but I need to talk about it and I don't know where.

I created a tinder account recently. Yesterday I met up with someone for the first time. I'd never tried "casual sex" before, but I wanted to. I was curious and wanted to try and explore, experience. So going to his place was something I agreed to do. Things moved faster than I had expected or would've prefered, but I tried going with the flow.

I was on my period, and he seemed fine with that at first, but after some pleasant-enough vaginal penetration from behind, he got weird about seeing blood on his thing, left to go wash it off in the bathroom. When he csne back, I asked if we could do it face to face. Instead, he had me lie down on my side, back to him and started doing anal without me wanting him to. I said I didn't want there. I don't know if he didn't hear me or if he didn't care. I should've said something when I felt him spit there, but I guess maybe I froze, I couldn't quite believe that was happening. He kept doing it after I said "please" and "it hurts". I wasn't clear enough when I'd said earlier I like it rough, or I guess we have different definitions of rough. I don't know if he thought we were roleplaying or not. I told him I'd done anal before when he asked, but it wasn't an invitation.

He did seem concerned when he accidentally hurt my back and pulled out to change position. He even offered me his hand when he did so. I didn't speak up, I went along with what he told me, got on my hands and knees and he went in again and that position was a little more physically stimulating, I even felt like I liked it just a little. That's the part that makes feel the most ashamed, because I still continued after him doing that, and it didn't feel the same as when I'd done it before, but I did feel something. It didn't last long, though, and then he actually raised one leg and put his foot on me to pin me down. It only lasted a few seconds, he couldn't balance like that for long, but it wasn't something I liked. He finished in there, which is something I don't really like, but it was like I couldn't speak up.

Afterward, I wanted to talk, for him to look at me, but he just went on facebook on his phone. At one point I tried to adk him a question and he said he didn't feel well, to please be quiet and stay still for twenty minutes. I...did. I waited, but then he just went on facebook again. I asked him if he could please put his phone down for just five minutes. He said yes, but to hold on, and started ordering medicine for a cold he said he could feel coming and ordering groceries for himself. That's when I saw I wasn't going to get much from them and decided to get dressed and go home. I posted this story on r/offmychest but its still waiting on moderator approval. I did again on r/datinghell. The tone is a lot more non-challant there, because I felt fine at first, only a little ashamed, but ready to dismiss it as a shitty hook-up from a shitty guy.

At first, I was fine. But later, a few hours after, I started getting shaky, feeling dirty. Today, my body doesn't hurt there, but it doesn't feel quite right either.

I keep thinking about any red flags I ignored. Mistakes I made. Things I should've known better about.

Now I feel shaky and I can't stop tearing up randomly. When I'm not crying, I'm just sort of in shock. I don't know if this qualifies as sexual assault, I think there might be too many blured lines, but I know I don't want it to happen like that again.

Hey, I'm new here.

So, I'm autistic and also ADHD. They can be tough when they present together in one person and I've always struggled socially. Lately, I'd been feeling very lonely. On a whim yesterday, I made a tinder account for the first time. I don't have a lot of experience with casual stuff, but I was curious about trying. And some people \*do\* meet actual partners there sometimes, so what the hell...figured I'd "advertise" that I'm available and looking.

I was a bit overwhelmed with the amount of guys that swiped right on me, but I decided to try and be brave and swiped right on a few of them too. I told myself that it was okay if we didn't seem totally compatible, that I was just dipping my toes in the water, and if things didn't get past surface level with someone, that was okay.

So this guy starts talking to me, says he really likes my profile. I feel flatered and respond to him. He asks me what I'm doing today and I was genuinely free, so figured meeting for a coffee or a drink or a walk could be good. He mentioned taking me to his place after. I wasn't opposed to that, I was open to it getting casually intimate.

We set up an hour to meet up at a public garden and I shower, shave, wash my hair, put on a nice outfit.

He picks me up. I was nervous at first and he seemed a bit put off by that, but I reasured him. He says he's sorry, but he needs to swing home because of a work thing he's got to do in his computer real quick, but we can go somewhere around there. I say okay. We drive, listen to music and I loosen up and relax a little.

We take a short walk in a park by his place, hold hands a bit. He asks what I'm looking for. I get maybe a bit too honest and let slip "Love, I guess". Because long term, I would like that. Seems like it wasn't the right thing to say, he seemed a bit dismissive and put off by that.

He seemed a bit put off too about me opening up and saying my previous relationship messed me up a bit and it took me a while to look again. He didn't want a traumatised girl. That was fine, I didn't mind it not getting serious, but I decided not to disclose my disability to him.

We sat on a bench and we kissed. I haven't kissed a lot of men. It was okay. I was comfortable with more happening.

We go to his place. I made the mistake of telling him I like it rough. I should've clarified I like it rough but prefer starting slow first. Things moved a little faster than I would've prefered, but I was fine. I did like it when he went inside me from behind, even if the angle was a little weird (he sat up on the bed and had me sort of half-sitting on him - dude, why??).

I'd told him I was on my period. He was okay with that at first but got weird about it when he saw blood on his...you know. He started getting \*really\* insistant we do anal instead. Like, kind of weirdly insistant. He put it in there and didn't stop, even when I said I didn't want it there, and kept going even when I said "please" and "it hurts". I'm not opposed to anal, I like it, but I usually have to be in the mood for it. He keeps going and eventually I relax and even like it a little. But the female anatomy doesn't have as many nerve endings there, so it was just sort of fine.

After, we're in his bed and he immediatly turns around and goes on facebook on his phone. After a little while I ask him if he can please look at me. He says "yes" but doesn't move until I get up from the bed, then he asks "where are you going?" and asks me back in. He turns around eventually, lets me cuddle a little and sort of starts falling asleep a little. I know that can happen after and try to give him some time. He gives some signs of life and I ask him if we can talk. I says he's starting to feel a little sick and can I please stay still and give him twenty minutes.

I do. Its a little boring, with the whole ADHD thing and my phone still being on my jacket pocked in another room, but I do. He perks up a bit again eventually and goes on facebook again. I'm looking from him to his phone and back to him, trying to give him a hint to look at me. He sorts of caresses me half-heartedly every once in a while, but keeps looking at his phone. And here I thought I was going to be the one struggling with eye contact as the autistic in the room. I finally crack and ask him (gently) if he can put his phone down for just five minutes.

He says yes, but "hold on", and only then opens the app he apparently actually wanted and starts ordering medicine for himself, since he apparently really is starting to feel under the weather. Meanwhile he calls someone and he lets out to them he was already feeling sick before he picked me up (why did you do it then, dude??). Then he starts ordering groceries and I decide enough is enough and start getting dressed, figuring "I'll let you rest" is as good an excuse as any to bail.

He did acknowledge my existance when I came to say goodbye after getting my jacket and bag. I pulled me in for one last kiss and at least I got a tiny bit of validation that yes, he did think I did alright and he did think I was pretty. Then I left. The whole thing, from him meeting up with me was over in a little over two hours, and 45 minutes to an hour of that was him being on his phone.

I don't want to see him again. Oh, well, I guess it was always going to be unrealistic to expect hugs and forehead kisses. I'm trying not to feel too ashamed that my "body count" has officially gone up to three in the name of such a shitty hook-up. But, oh well, that's life I suppose.

I don't know what to make of my current therapy situation.

I changed clinics back in September. This new clinic was recomended to me because it supposedly specialized in helping neurodivergent people. I'm AuDHD and on top of it also have depression, so I decided to give it a shot.

Thing is I was already in the midst of autistic burnout. On top of it I was persuaded by a friend to enroll for a new year at university instead of taking a break. It quickly triggered a massive depressive episode that only got worse when said friend ditched me instead of being there for me like she'd assured me she would be. Her doing that to me broke me like few things had and I felt truly alone and completely disilusioned.

I went to a very dark place mentally. I wanted it all to be over. When I expressed these feelings to my therapist, he just smilied and didn't take me seriously, didn't even look up from his laptop at first.

I expressed some of the dark thoughts I'd been having, to truly try to give him an idea of where my mind was at and how bad it was. Thoughts like terminal cancer starting to sound like winning the lottery to me, for example. He just told me to stop being distasteful.

I begun to get overstimulated much more easily so in addition to having these dark thoughts, I couldn't be in class anymore. Being in public is terrible most days. I've been experiencing severe misophonia for months and its gets triggered easily by the sounds of loud voices and laughter especially. I do try to go out, I do so almost everyday, but it mostly just leaves me hating other people. I live in a country with a very loud culture, no matter where you go, there are always people loudly speaking without any regard for their surroundings. Even in libraries you can't always escape people being noisy and inconsiderate.

I've told him this, have been telling him this for months. He tells me I need to be more social and try new things. I ask him how am I going to cope if the sound of human voices is triggering me like this and I'm so burnt out I have no patience. He just keeps listing activities. Some of them sound terrible. Others, the mere thought of them makes the urge the slash my wrists flare up. Nothing sounds fun, or even appealling to me anymore. I get rying to push me out of my comfort zone, but I don't like his attitude about it. It feels like he doesn't actually listen. Most of the time he just keeps on repeating the same rigid arguments and facts, like he read them in a textbook at one point and cannot fathom anyone presenting as different. I think our personalities just clash too much. His attitude irratates me, and I've found myself doubling down because of it. I don't think that's a good sign.

For the record, I did get up the courage to try something new recently and it was awful, my misophonia got triggered badly. It felt like torture and left me so drained it took me five hours to get out of bed the next day and another two to manage to bathe. I did manage to go outside for a bit, but got so triggered by all the sounds I had to turn back and head home early, didn't even make it to the grocery store. I know I'll have to pick something else to try eventually, but boy was that upsetting. This sound sensitivity is worse than its even been before, so that's why I didn't have strategies in place. I did order some of those specialized adjustable earplugs since, but they'll take a while to arrive. Hopefully they work.

One of the few things I've still managed to find some enjoyment in is this book series I discovered that became my most recent hyperfixation. I've been trying to do a reread recently and expressed my concern with how slow my reading had become, how difficult I was finding it to process what I was reading and to focus. He tried to take my book away and keep it there at the clinic for few days. I think he thought it was keeping me from going outside or doing the other things he wanted me to do. It wasn't, but I guess he missinterpreted what I was trying to say. Again, I feel like he doesn't listen.

He also got me to get my parents involved. I don't live with them, and particularly I'm not close with my mother. We have a very difficult relationship, she's well-intentioned but very unstable and often does more harm than good. She also refuses to change her behaviours even after being told multiple times over years by my dad (undiagnosed but also displays a lot of diagnotic criteria for autism, there's basiacally a joke in the family that we're clones of each other) and me that those behaviours are harmful or upsetting.

I didn't want to get my mother involved but he basically kept insisting for months until he wore me down and convinced me to call her during one of our sessions to get my parents to come in and have a session. I was extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing, and was anxious and dreading it the whole month leading up to it. Maybe there were some things that she needed to be made aware of, so she would stop putting pressure on me on certain aspects, but I'm still not entirely certain it was beneficial. She basically went back to her usual behaviour in less than a day and also immediately violated my boundaries by spilling all the details to extended family (the one thing I asked her not to do). I honestly feel like I'll be doing damage control for a while. He still called it a success. He still thinks my mother getting more involved in my life would be a good thing when proximity to her is nothing but triggering, stressful and unpsetting and I moved out for a reason. He just said that I need it, like I'd been talking to a wall.

He told me recently that he thinks we have a good therapeutic relationship. I was just confused, because I've never really liked him that much, he just the guy I was assigned. I've been giving him a chance, but mostly I feel like I've just been burning money without much progress, if any.

One of our recent sessions, he kept talking over me, not even letting me finish my sentence, just telling me to stop self-sabotaging without letting me clarify what I was actually trying to say. Another, he told me I shouldn't be suicidal, because some of his other clients have it worse than me.

Our latest appointment he told me he was considering recomending me to a separate program somewhere else and I honeslty felt nothing but relief. That clinic has been kind of a disaster. They claim to work as a team, psychologist, psychiatrist and ocupational therapist, but their availability is terrible, all the appointments are too far appart, to the point I don't remember what happened in the last one by the time the next one comes and long stretches of time pass without much getting done. I've been waiting for a medication adjustment for two months now, because the psychiatrist is nearly impossible to get a hold of, to the point where my first appointment with her was in October and I feel like I've barely seen her or know her. The ocupational therapist is the only one that I actually feel heard and supported by, but she only sees people every three weeks, which ludicrously far apart for what I need.

I don't know, I guess I just wanted to explain my experience thouroughly and see what other qualified people make of it, Sorry if this was long, I guess.