Trapped in a loop after a public discard. How do I heal from a partner who weaponized my past abuse to look like the "good guy"?
Hi everyone. Please help I am recently out of a highly volatile, traumatic relationship that ended in a cruel public discard and a canceled engagement. I am struggling with severe anxiety, loss of appetite, and endless mental loops trying to make sense of the whiplash. I need a safe space to share what happened and seek advice on healing.
The "Perfect" Beginning & Genuine Efforts
We came from completely different socio-economic backgrounds (his family is very wealthy; mine is working-class). He pursued me intensely. In the beginning, his dedication was undeniable: He drove/flew 300km every single weekend to see me, sacrificing sleep. He surprised me with flowers, helped me cook, washed my clothes, and massaged my sore muscles. He learned exactly how I liked my tea/coffee and made me feel safe.
Because of this safety, I gave him 100% transparency. I shared my struggles with Type 1 Diabetes, my modest background, and my history of surviving a past physically and financially abusive relationship. He literally cried tears of empathy when I told him.
The Shift to Extreme Control and Paranoia
Once we lived together, his deep insecurities and the influence of his unfaithful childhood friends surfaced. He shifted from a partner into a policing guardian, controlling my voice, schedule, clothes, and finances.
He became hyper-paranoid about male attention. When an old friend confessed feelings, I immediately rejected him and told my boyfriend. Yet, my boyfriend blamed me, tracked my friend's location, and threatened his life. He stated that I am being the center of all this non sense and even made me cry so pathetically over an instagram post which later i deleted and i unfollowed people in my insta - now i no longer have one.
Under his constant verbal abuse (he called me slurs like "bitch" and "slut"), my anxiety flared. I became fierce and deregulated—shouting, swearing, and breaking a mug/phone. He used my reactive anger to justify physical violence, hitting me back. During one fight, I had a severe 10-minute suffocating panic attack. He helped me breathe, but later erased it completely, telling people: "She spoke wrong, so I hit her." - I have tried multiple times to end this relationship he begged, cried and promised me to keep his actions straight to the promises.
The Cowardice & The Public Discard
He hid our live-in relationship from his conservative parents, making me beg them for permission to extend his stays. When his dominant father threatened to disown him for being with an "angry girl," his double life collapsed. He chose financial comfort and ran behind his family.
To save his "good guy" image, he handed his parents a heavily edited script, showing them our chats and highlighting only my outbursts while completely erasing his own slurs and violence. He even cross-examined my past abuser to find dirt. They gathered his extended family and new in-laws to publicly humiliate us. They weaponized my health and background, bragging that they "accepted a diabetic" and "didn't ask for a dowry." Crucially, he brought up my past abuser's name in front of everyone, shaming me for my past trauma and telling my family it was my fault I let it happen. He left me with the words: "Did I give you a baby and leave you? No, right? Accept it and leave," and even offered me "hush money" to disappear.
I am not flawless. I contributed to the toxicity with my sharp words and temper. But I was 100% loyal and never questioned his past (like the massive tattoo of his ex's name on his shoulder - forcefully made him done by his ex). He had past - in which he stated both exs cheated on him and during the relationship they forced him to have intimacy with them.
How can someone live with themselves after using a partner’s deepest trauma as an escape card just to please their parents? How do I stop looking for logic in a coward who used an abuser's tools? I have surrendered this to God, but my nervous system is shattered. Any advice on dealing with PTSD and emotional loops would mean the world.