u/Financial_Chemist383

I (25F) am struggling a lot with expressing my needs and maintaining boundaries in my friendship (we live together). We have been friends for five years, and know each other well. But not emotionally close (will understand why as you read this). For context, I’ll explain the incident that has triggered me writing this post.

I had a creative class I signed up for that’s scheduled weekly. I’m only able to go for it a few times a month because I have work most days. This particular day was going to be my first day at the session, and I was really looking forward to it. I’m going through some stressful times right now and this is a group mindfulness session that would be helpful for me ( I love anything creative).

My friend (25F)and I had an unrelated class before, and so I decided to go for the session after this class was over (I would have like 1 hour to reach). I had let them know about this earlier btw, it wasn’t sprung out of the blue. The problem is the both of us didn’t eat much, and were pretty hungry after class (I wasn’t as much though). So after it was over they came up with a plan to go have food.

Long story short, I lost some time because I got caught up with work, and couldn’t leave as early as I thought I could. My friend gets cranky when they’re hungry. And when we finally left to go for my session, I told them “hey let’s go eat after my class, I’ve been looking forward to this for a while”. Mind you they know the context behind it being my first class, and missing the one that happened the week before.

As soon as I said this I could sense them getting quieter and a bit off. Definitely subtly expressing that they didn’t want to do that. Not speaking anything and only nodding, facial expression change, humming responses etc.

By now, if you haven’t understood yet, I am extremely sensitive to other people’s emotions / feelings. And I’m uncomfortable when they are slightly mad/annoyed because I can sense that shift. So I ended up telling them let’s not go for it. Made up an excuse that it’s too late anyway (though it wasn’t) and that I’m hungry too(though I wasn’t). Also cz by the time I’d be done with my session, the restaurant would close (and that is not good). At the time I caved in, they were like “it’s okay, I don’t have a problem with you going”. But I know them well enough. And their mood seemed to be better after this, more talkative.

It’s this particular person that I’m always so wary around. Big feelings scare me. This person tends to be judgemental and a harsh critic. Them calling me out / confronting gives me anxiety. In general, I am anxious around them. And obviously they don’t know this.

I know it’s not that big of a deal to miss something like this. But somehow, when I did this, I felt like I gave up my autonomy. I’ve done this many times with this particular friend of mine because I’m scared of their reaction/ behavior after I say or do something. They’re very reactive / sensitive and will push back without great consideration for your feelings. And I keep wondering, did I overthink and make this person a villain that they’re not in my head? Isn’t that unfair of me.

And that’s precisely why I write this. I don’t want to be unfair. How do I gently let someone like this down? I don’t want to be a pushover with no autonomy who always gives in to other people without any respect or regard for their own feelings. I keep doing this, and I resent myself, as well as the other person for it. And I want to stop doing that. I want to do the things I want to without being scared of looking selfish. It’s so so hard, especially with sensitive people.

TLDR - had an incident with a friend where I rejected my own needs and boundaries. Made me feel powerless and starting to resent them. Need advice on how to stand up for myself, especially to friends that are sensitive/ has big feelings.

TL;DR:
Moved in with a close friend to save money, but living together has made me realise how incompatible we are. They’re very caring in practical ways, but emotionally I feel unsafe around them. They’re loud, extremely opinionated, constantly negative about others, and tend to boss me around both at home and at work.

I struggle to speak up, so I bottle things up and now feel a lot of resentment. They also have poor emotional awareness, get moody easily, and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. At the same time, we do have good moments, and I feel guilty because they’ve helped me a lot and don’t have many close people either.

I feel stuck, drained, and unsure if I’m overreacting or partly the problem for not setting boundaries. How do I deal with this situation without blowing up the friendship or my living situation?

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Ive seen many posts about friends turned roomies who are horrible because they are not responsible and don’t take care of the place. I have the opposite problem, with an overresponsible controlling friend/roomie, and would appreciate some advice. Sorry about the long rant.

We’ve known each other for a few years now, and we moved in together a while back to save costs on living abroad and studying. We kind of only have each other as close friends.

Now they're a very caring person, likes to cook, makes sure we have all our meals, kind of like a parent (maybe a bit too much). We also work together and they're also the one that found me my current job (which is a pretty shitty job that’s draining me mentally). So they're very caring in a lot of ways.

But emotionally, I don’t feel safe with them at all. They flare up a lot of my anxiety. They're very loud, expressive, EXTREMELY opinionated, has something to say about everything. They say they don’t judge other people, but they are ALWAYS talking about other people, most of the time negatively, to me. Which indirectly I feel like has made me emotionally close myself off from them. I have an ick for this kind of behaviour. They're complaining constantly and I feel like I’m being dragged down because of all the negativity when I am around them.

This person is a yapper, and I actively listen. I also don’t have the guts to tell someone whos yapping when I don’t want to be listening to shut the fuck up. But when I try to talk, they're distracted or on the phone or doesn’t look interested (they say they have adhd). I am very highly tuned to people’s personalities, and this person has given me so many red flags over the years we’ve lived together. Mind you, this was not the impression that I had of them when we were only friends and not roomies. They were very friendly and nice. And it now feels like they just faked how they are.

I absolutely hate the days that I work with them, even though they're a great employee and makes the job easier at work, which I am grateful for and which should be making me happy like a normal person but it just doesnt! This is because they tend to boss me around at work, and tell me how to do my job. Talking down to me and stuff because on some shifts, they are in a little bit of a higher role than me. This happens at home too. Commenting on my outfit, advising me to change into something else etc. They have high standards for food, while I don’t. But because we cook together, it feels like I have to plan everything around them to make them happy.

I am very confused. We are good friends, there are many moments where we have fun, spill tea, and enjoy each other. But my brain picks on all the things that trigger me. I hate anyone who’s not my parents, bossing me around. When they're in a bad mood, they make sure everyone around them knows. And I feel so stuck, and claustrophobic being the only one living with them. Because with our other friends they're not like this. They're fake nice and super friendly. And I can feel the fakeness oozing because I know what they are like at home when no one is around.

They get mad at the tiniest little thing when in a bad mood, which is why I am scared to stand up to them. Has very low emotional intelligence (they admitted that they suck at being empathetic), but shits about other people that do. Hates it when someone disagrees with a principle/value they have, and tries to control/convince you into changing yours. Says they're self-reflective, but boy let me tell you they AINT.

There have been a few incidents where they lost their shit (their mental health is pretty bad) and has said some disrespectful things/ acted hurtfully to me. My problem, that I take accountability for, is that I never express how I really feel, and keep bottling stuff up. And it turns into slow resentment. Like it is now, and that scares me because I feel like I’m being unfair.

I feel confused because this person is a good friend, helpful, found me a job, have been friends for a long time, we only have each other, and also their mental health is deteriorating and I feel responsible. But, their personality is not something I agree/align with at all. But I cannot leave either. And I feel very very stuck and tied down in my own house. How do I deal with this?

TL;DR:
Moved in with a close friend to save money, but living together has made me realise how incompatible we are. They’re very caring in practical ways, but emotionally I feel unsafe around them. They’re loud, extremely opinionated, constantly negative about others, and tend to boss me around both at home and at work.

I struggle to speak up, so I bottle things up and now feel a lot of resentment. They also have poor emotional awareness, get moody easily, and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. At the same time, we do have good moments, and I feel guilty because they’ve helped me a lot and don’t have many close people either.

I feel stuck, drained, and unsure if I’m overreacting or partly the problem for not setting boundaries. How do I deal with this situation without blowing up the friendship or my living situation?

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Ive seen many posts about friends turned roomies who are horrible because they are not responsible and don’t take care of the place. I have the opposite problem, with an overresponsible controlling friend/roomie, and would appreciate some advice. Sorry about the long rant.

We’ve known each other for a few years now, and we moved in together a while back to save costs on living abroad and studying. We kind of only have each other as close friends.

Now they're a very caring person, likes to cook, makes sure we have all our meals, kind of like a parent (maybe a bit too much). We also work together and they're also the one that found me my current job (which is a pretty shitty job that’s draining me mentally). So they're very caring in a lot of ways.

But emotionally, I don’t feel safe with them at all. They flare up a lot of my anxiety. They're very loud, expressive, EXTREMELY opinionated, has something to say about everything. They say they don’t judge other people, but they are ALWAYS talking about other people, most of the time negatively, to me. Which indirectly I feel like has made me emotionally close myself off from them. I have an ick for this kind of behaviour. They're complaining constantly and I feel like I’m being dragged down because of all the negativity when I am around them.

This person is a yapper, and I actively listen. I also don’t have the guts to tell someone whos yapping when I don’t want to be listening to shut the fuck up. But when I try to talk, they're distracted or on the phone or doesn’t look interested (they say they have adhd). I am very highly tuned to people’s personalities, and this person has given me so many red flags over the years we’ve lived together. Mind you, this was not the impression that I had of them when we were only friends and not roomies. They were very friendly and nice. And it now feels like they just faked how they are.

I absolutely hate the days that I work with them, even though they're a great employee and makes the job easier at work, which I am grateful for and which should be making me happy like a normal person but it just doesnt! This is because they tend to boss me around at work, and tell me how to do my job. Talking down to me and stuff because on some shifts, they are in a little bit of a higher role than me. This happens at home too. Commenting on my outfit, advising me to change into something else etc. They have high standards for food, while I don’t. But because we cook together, it feels like I have to plan everything around them to make them happy.

I am very confused. We are good friends, there are many moments where we have fun, spill tea, and enjoy each other. But my brain picks on all the things that trigger me. I hate anyone who’s not my parents, bossing me around. When they're in a bad mood, they make sure everyone around them knows. And I feel so stuck, and claustrophobic being the only one living with them. Because with our other friends they're not like this. They're fake nice and super friendly. And I can feel the fakeness oozing because I know what they are like at home when no one is around.

They get mad at the tiniest little thing when in a bad mood, which is why I am scared to stand up to them. Has very low emotional intelligence (they admitted that they suck at being empathetic), but shits about other people that do. Hates it when someone disagrees with a principle/value they have, and tries to control/convince you into changing yours. Says they're self-reflective, but boy let me tell you they AINT.

There have been a few incidents where they lost their shit (their mental health is pretty bad) and has said some disrespectful things/ acted hurtfully to me. My problem, that I take accountability for, is that I never express how I really feel, and keep bottling stuff up. And it turns into slow resentment. Like it is now, and that scares me because I feel like I’m being unfair.

I feel confused because this person is a good friend, helpful, found me a job, have been friends for a long time, we only have each other, and also their mental health is deteriorating and I feel responsible. But, their personality is not something I agree/align with at all. But I cannot leave either. And I feel very very stuck and tied down in my own house. How do I deal with this?

 

I know this is a very common post on this sub, and it’s even sadder that more posts keep coming up on this topic. I just struggle to find people on my wavelength and it feels like most people I’ve met here are just pursuing company and not real friendships.

I’ve tried the discord group, WhatsApp group, and things that other people on this sub have suggested. I haven’t found them very successful. Why is it so damn hard to make friends in your 20s aaaahh!!

I don’t love small talk, so that makes it even harder. I wish it was easier. Adl is such a small place, that sometimes I feel so stuck and claustrophobic. I do have a few good friends here, but everyone’s very busy with work and uni to make time to get out, travel, and do things that I’m into (I’m very into travelling, maybe it’s more of a distraction from missing home)

I miss my home, I miss my people back home. I come from India and it’s a very crowded and lively place. And since I was living with family, and I had my close friends it was different. Living here in Adl is such a stark contrast, and I know not a lot of people feel that way.

I hope someone who relates to this reads this, and doesn’t feel alone in the way they feel.