u/FindingBee

I’ve (31F) recently started getting to know a man (36) I met on Reddit. I looked him up on LinkedIn without asking him first. His profile is public and I was simply doing some basic due diligence because I’m getting to know someone online and wanted to establish that he is who he says he is. I was shared with him afterwards that I had looked him up.

He was upset and his specific issue is that I didn’t ask his permission first. I understand that he can feel uncomfortable with it but I don’t personally feel that viewing someone’s publicly available LinkedIn profile requires permission. To me, there’s a difference between looking at information someone has deliberately made public and accessing someone’s private information.

We seem to have different philosophies about privacy. I see boundaries as things you communicate about what you’re comfortable with whereas he seems to feel that certain things involving him require the other person to ask permission first. For context, he also asked me whether I would answer his phone if it were ringing and unlocked. I said that if it were someone close to him and who I had a relationship with, such as his mother, I might answer and let her know he was in the shower, otherwise I’d leave it and tell him someone had called. He wasn’t happy with my answer and said he would ask for permission first before answering the call. I’m curious what others think about that as well.

Does this sound like a normal difference in privacy preferences or would you see it as a potential compatibility/red-flag issue? If it further contextualises things, this man has not been in a relationship before.

After coming out of a long relationship with someone I now understand had quite dismissive avoidant tendencies, I took time to heal, reflect, and really work on myself. That relationship left me feeling anxious, constantly questioning where I stood and like my emotional needs were “too much”.

Eventually I met someone new and, at first, things felt very different in a positive way. He was attentive, consistent, we spoke every day, and there was a lot of ease, humour and connection and I genuinely thought maybe this is what a secure connection feels like. Over time though things started to shift. We’ve been seeing each other for about 6 months, including visits to each other in our respective countries but I slowly started feeling emotionally uncertain again.

Some of the patterns that stood out:

* We were never officially defined, and clarity remained vague
* I didn’t feel consistently pursued or emotionally reassured
* He often commented on other women’s attractiveness, but I didn’t feel consistently seen or complimented in the same way
* During conflict, he tended to become defensive or shift focus onto what I did wrong rather than trying to understand my emotional experience
* I often only got clarity on where he stood during arguments, not in everyday moments
* I was usually the one initiating repair after conflict
* I didn’t feel particularly prioritised in practical ways (time, planning, communication)

There were also specific situations that stuck with me:

* On my birthday, he didn’t take the day off to spend with me but was jealous that a friend did. He only suggested dinner about 2 hours before we met, which felt very last minute and not thoughtful
* I was new in his country, and even basic communication like what time he’d be home or when we’d see each other often wasn’t clear. When I brought it up, I was told I should have just asked him if I wanted to know
* A recurring theme in conflict was “why didn’t you just ask me?” even for things I felt should have been communicated naturally

I tried to communicate how I felt but I was often told I was expecting too much, or that our expectations of relationships were misaligned. At some point I started noticing I didn’t even like who I was becoming in the dynamic anymore. Very anxious, overthinking, constantly trying to figure out where I stood. We have now ended things and he couldn’t even be bothered to fight for us.

I am still in his flat, trying to move my flights and I found out he’s already back on Bumble. I know logically that doesn’t necessarily mean anything definitive. People cope differently after breakups but emotionally it triggered a lot of doubt and thoughts like 1) Was I just an option? 2) Was he already detached before we even ended? 3) Did any of it actually matter to him?

I guess I’m trying to understand whether I’m repeating a pattern from my previous relationship, or if I’m still healing and projecting old anxiety, or if this was just another mismatch in emotional needs and communication styles. I don’t feel devastated, but I do feel confused, unsettled, and honestly a bit replaced. Would really appreciate outside perspectives, especially from people who’ve been through something similar after an avoidant relationship. Anyway, I need to listen to my intuition more because I felt something wasn’t right a few months ago but chose to make excuses.

Hi there. I’ve been seeing this guy for 6 months now. He’s come to visit me a few times in my country and for the first time, I am visiting him in his. At the beginning, things were great, we were chatting for hours on end. But slowly overtime, that changed a bit. I understand that’s normal but I’ve struggled with feeling secure because we aren’t official yet. He’s been in open relationships before and often comments about how beautiful a girl is etc. There’s nothing wrong with that but he barely compliments me. We feel more like friends than people who are falling in love. I guess I am concerned that he is just keeping me around and doesn’t want to define things to keep his options open. Even if we were to date, I would only do so if it were a monogamous relationship.

I’m sitting in his apartment right now and thinking how bored I am, romantically. I don’t feel he’s trying to woo me. In fact, it feels like we’ve been in a relationship for 2 years already. Settled into routine. Last night he came home while I was cooking dinner and all he said was hello. It’s confusing because on the one hand, he seems really interested, but some of his actions (constantly being on calls or on the phone while with me, not kissing/caressing me often, we barely chat throughout the day and when we do, the texts feel more mechanical, not raising the status of the relationship with me (I already did this once but it was at the beginning and he wanted us to get to know each other better)) tell another story. I don’t know if my requirements are just too high, but I’ve been in love before. I know what it feels like and this is not it. It seems I tipped the scales by asking what we were a few months ago and since then, there’s very little effort on his end to go out of his way to make me feel wanted. Like he’s confident of my interest in him.

I told myself that I’d give this trip a chance and see how things go, then make a decision to walk away if things aren’t aligning. It’s tough because it feels I am merely in waiting until my departure date. It’s hard to act like I’m feeling him when this has eroded over time as I feel his been too nonchalant. The situation sucks because I thought I had finally found someone I could do life with…

I don’t think I’m necessarily looking for advice, just wanted to vent, but if you have any input, let me know. Thanks.

I (late 20s F, African) recently met a guy (early 30s M, European) earlier this year and we’ve been seeing each other long-distance. We aren’t official.

He’s genuinely nice, we get along really well, and he has made an effort to see me. He’s visited a couple of times. At the same time, those visits have mostly been tied to his work travel, so a large portion of his trips have been covered through that.

I’m now planning to visit him for the first time next month and I’ll be staying with him, so I won’t have long-term accommodation costs. But everything else has added up quite a lot on my side: flights, visa process (including paying extra for a faster appointment), accommodation and general travel costs. Altogether it’s been close to the equivalent of a significant amount of money for me in a short space of time (the accommodation bookings will be refunded, but it still affects my cash flow right now), and I still have my usual expenses at home like rent.

Originally, I would have only gone for about two weeks, but he asked if I would consider staying longer so we could spend more time together, and I agreed.

He’s also coming back again soon for another work trip, and while he was already planning to visit me in my city, he’s asked if I can fly to another city he’ll be in for a few days so we can spend time together there as well. He didn’t offer to cover my flights and I didn’t ask.

In general, he seems to have a “we each pay our own way” mindset. I understand that but I think I’m used to something a bit more balanced, especially when one person is taking on more of the cost or making bigger adjustments.

I’m not expecting him to pay for everything but I am starting to feel like I’m stretching myself financially quite a lot for something that’s still relatively new.

Am I overthinking this or does this seem a bit unbalanced? How do I address this with him at this early stage? Should I even say anything to him? Thank you, in advance.