u/Firm-Recording-9039

My husband (26m) and I (25f) would like a family one day, but not right now. We’ve dated since 18/19 and married at 23.

Him and I both work unique stressful good paying jobs in a VHOCL city. I don’t want to reveal our identities, but think investment banking or medical tech.

Despite making close to 200k a year, we can’t afford a family right now and are trying to travel a bit and save up for a house. Each of our salaries can get higher overtime.

According to statistics for our county, we’d need to make $300k or more to be comfortable raising 1 child. Our jobs are limited to the west and east coast. We’ve looked into relocating and in our industries it doesn’t seem possible.

We’re very close with each other’s families. Neither of our parents live close to us. Both sets of our parents are retired and live in areas with extremely limited job opportunities.

My family is middle class does not push for grandkids. They can’t support us with grandkids because I have a fully disabled sibling who will need full-time medical care and in home support until he passes. They wish they could help us with the costs or with childcare, but can’t because of my sibling.

His family is pushing for grandkids. My husband has stood up for us repeatedly and told them, no not now. I have too. His mother has become pretty pushy. His parents are extremely wealthy and have told us they will not help us financially and are not interested in helping with childcare.

Every reason we give has a response:

1. We can’t afford it - “You’re not making enough sacrifices”
2. Now isn’t the right time- “There’s never a right time”
3. We don’t want to rent and then buy a house with an infant- “We did and it wasn’t bad”
4. We both work long hours (me 40, him 60-90 is standard in his industry) “They won’t remember”
5. We want to travel “We are traveling now that we’re retired and got to travel with the kids when they were teenagers”
6. Both of our jobs are unstable in this economy “Jobs are always unstable, you can’t wait on a job for a family”

When my MIL are spending time with eachother, it’s being brought up nonstop. My husband has 3 older
siblings, 1 of who is married, and they are not getting the same treatment.

I’m shutting down emotionally. I’m not sure what else to do.

Does anyone have any advice or has been in this situation before?

My husband and I are in our mid twenties in the USA . We’ve been together since we were 18/19 and married at 23.

We live in a HCOL area. Both college educated with masters degrees and 0 student debt, working at top companies. We make the most money out of anyone we know, but it’s not enough.

We wanted to have kids, but the idea seems unrealistic now.

He works 60hrs per week (standard in his industry) and I work 40hrs a week. We need 2 incomes to survive. There’s no part time work in our industries. Daycares with 3.5/5 star ratings costs are $1500+ a month part time and $3000+ a month full time. It’s more than our rent.

Neither side of our family is willing to provide help or support despite begging for grandkids. They both live in areas that lack jobs and are all retired.

His family is pushing us to make more sacrifices and have children while we rent a 650 sq ft condo that barely fits us and our cat. I’ve asked them how when presenting our budget and they don’t have answers other than to just do it.

My friend / coworker recently gained birth and she has the same health insurance we do and it was $23,000 out of pocket for a natural birth with no complications.

I wish the USA was a more welcoming place to have children. Seems like both of us will be DINKS or adopt later in life.

Edit: we make 180k a year combined in a HCOL area on the west coast. We have savings, investments, and usually have $1,000 a month extra for fun. Many of my friends pay 3-4K per month for rent, but ours is only $2800. Not sure what to tell you guys about the $23k bill, it’s what my friend put in our group chat. I didn’t analyze the bill myself lol.

Edit 2: we make 180k per year while putting away 20% into savings, 5% into retirement, 10% into investments, 20% to rent, 30% into other required expenses (gas / water / electric / car + home + medical + life + pet + dental insurance) and have $1,000 a month leftover for fun money that goes to vacations, visiting family, extra costs throughout the month, etc. in my city 120k for 2 is considered low income.

This sub is very interesting. The amount of hate messages I’ve received claiming I’m not actually interested in being a mother, saying I’m treating my husband horribly for “not having his children”, and accusing me of being a Chinese/Russian bot is crazy. I’m a real person with real feelings. Yes, I do want to be a mother and my husband wants to be a father. Idk what’s so crazy about this.

I accidentally saw my husband’s porn history. He and I were looking on Reddit last night and he told me about a new subreddit he thought I’d be interested in and showed me on his account.

We have an open phone policy at home and I wanted to find the subreddit so I opened his Reddit and went to the search and all of the porn searches were there.

He was searching for extremely thin women with massive tits. He was in multiple subreddits for this.

I’m a size 8 (women’s medium to large) and have been on a fitness journey for 2 months. I’ve lost 7lbs so far. I have an hourglass figure and wear a 36DDD bra, but these girls had G to H cups. So many of them are size 0-2 with implants or amazing genetics.

He’s been pretty pushy about me losing weight once I started my fitness journey, but not before I started it. He doesn’t goto the gym or take care of his body.

Him and I have just come back from a dry spell (December to July) where he wasn’t interested in having sex with me for months due to work stress. It’s been 1 month of us having amazing sex, multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day.

I’m really not sure how to feel. I feel grossed out and like he can’t be attracted to me when this is the type of woman he seems to want. It also makes me feel gross knowing he was probably choosing porn over me when I pursued him for months, give him head all the time, and am “the best hottest wife ever” according to him. He’s entitled to privacy and it wasn’t like I was trying to find something.

What would you do? Is it possible he still finds me attractive? Can a man really like multiple body types?