u/First_Mark8233

I hadn’t seen this friend in a while and they had invited me to their birthday party at their best friend’s house. I hadn’t met their best friend before, and had only met their other friends once a year ago. I was having a hard time socializing with everyone and was just kinda sitting there by myself for most of the party. I kept mentally debating whether or not I should’ve left because it’s been a while since I’ve done anything this social and I was having a bit of a panic attack. I was a recluse for two years and have been trying to reintegrate back into society (long story) so my social skills aren’t the best. I used to be way more outgoing, but stuff happened and I’m starting from the bottom.

Anyways, I’m basically twiddling my thumbs and trying to convince myself to stay because it meant a lot to my friend that I was there, since they know how much trouble I have in social settings, and I care about them a lot. Then their best friend came over and introduced herself and she was really nice. Very extroverted. That right there was the problem. The thing about a lot of extroverted people is that a lot of them cannot understand in general. A lot of them have this “if I can do it, you can do it” mentality. She sits next to me and basically hits me with “I decided we’re all gonna do speeches for (friends name).” And then had the audacity to be like “no pressure!”

She saw me sitting there choking up because I couldn’t talk to anyone and couldn’t even make eye contact and just??? So here comes the speeches.

One by one, everyone gets up and says their piece and it’s all heartfelt and people are sniffling. Then it gets quiet. It’s my turn. I love my friend dearly. They’re the reason I’m even alive today and that’s no exaggeration. I had written them a letter of appreciation that I was planning on slipping into their gift once it was delivered (a pre-ordered vinyl of a soundtrack from their favorite movie) because I’m way better at articulating myself through writing than speaking. I panicked.

Everyone was staring at me, people were recording. I choked up. I love my friend and they know that. In my mind and in my heart I know exactly why I think they’re a great person and so on. But the words wouldn’t come out. My friend was patient and told me that she understood—that I could tell her later, but everyone was just staring and I felt like an idiot. I knew exactly what I wanted to say and I just couldn’t do it. And then, right after me—the final speech. Their best friend.

Not even fucking exaggerating when I say this, but everyone cried. They cried, my friend cried, everyone cried. It was a beautiful speech right from the heart and she didn’t stutter once. I sat there just staring. I knew she didn’t put me on the spot to spite me, but I just…y’know? I felt humiliated. I looked like an idiot. Completely disingenuous compared to everyone else. What was I supposed to do?? Not say anything? Get up and abstain from it entirely? It felt like every option would’ve made me look bad. I just felt backed into a corner.

The good news is that before I left, my friend walked me out and in private I got to tell them what I was trying to say and we both cried. There’s that at least. But still. This was my first social event outside of family gatherings (which I don’t go to because a lot of them fall on work days) and I felt like I completely fumbled everything.

I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking about it. It happened a two hours ago as I write this from bed. Sorry if there’s typos.

I never said she died.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, an insistent feeling kept telling me she was.
I never heard a crack or splat, but no one could survive a fall like that.
And even if she did do it with the intention of killing herself, it would've been impossible achieving it like that.
I would've disappeared with her, but here I am all this time later.
In her shoes.
In her pajamas.

I'm not a religious person, but whenever l've heard people say how your loved ones who have passed watch over you even in death, I shuddered.
How much do they see?
What kind of voyeurism am I subjected to and why do I swear that even though I can't hear laughter from her, I can feel those huffs of air on the back of my neck.
Her trying to catch her breath after witnessing something hilarious.

Or maybe it's frustration.
I haven't done as she's asked.

Even when she was here, it was just me.
She was supposed to take care of me, but I watched her
babble and scribble and try to walk, only to fall on her ass.
Those were meant to be my milestones and in the end, they were her failures.
Her degradation of what a person is supposed to be.

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