u/Fit_Cardiologist_681

Hai frens! Ai Matilda, vry gud gurl an expert at make frens. Ai iz heer to ask yur legal advise agen.

Sitooayshun is dis. Ai iz still visiting mine uncle, him vry big doggo, we iz great frens alreddy. Him haz catto brofur. Dat okay, ai not mind catto! But hoomans are doing a big interfere.

At first hoomans kept a gate between me an catto, den sumtiems dey put me on a leash even tho ai am insied house. Liek, hello, leash iz fur walkies? But hoomans vry stubborn an tells me to lay down, dont talk to catto, meny furebers of dis sillyness. (Catto did bap me sum furebers ago, but ai am willing to forgib him becuz ai am VRY GUD AT MAKE FRENS.)

Den, finally, hoomans starts let me talk catto wivout hooman interference. Ai am great at maek frens, so ai goes to catto rite away! Ai does a big playbow. Catto sez nufing. Dat okay, ai am great at maek frens! So ai does anuver playbow, an dis tiem ai adds a little bork to maek mai frenliness mor clear. Vry frenly tekneek, always werks! But catto sez nufing agen! Okay, he playin hard to git. Dat okay! Ai bounce, ai playbow, ai gib a smol bork bork, ai eben tried a runpasthim! He still jus luks at me, sez nufing!

Enyway, ai would haf keeped trying but mai hooman picked me up an taked me fur sum morale-boosting cuddles. Ebenshully my expert fren-making tekneeks will fer sure win catto over, but ai tink problee uncle's hoomans did sumting to make him be mean at me. Can ai soo hims hoomans fur dis?

Hai frens! Ai Matilda, vry gud gurl an perfect princess. Mine hooman taked me to visit her brofur, mine uncle, he iz vry big one in da picshurs. Ai haz a concern dat his hoomans does not haf chairs in his size. Yoo can see proofs in picshurs, sumtiems he haz to lays on floor! Dat not rite! How can be comfy liek dat?

He iz nice boy, follows me ebrywhere and mine hooman says he is keeping coyotes frum eet me, which sounds vry impawtent, so ai tink he deserbs chairs an we must soo fur himsize ones.

Onlee vry smol complicashun iz he sez he not care about comfy chairs or stop gitting bit by moskeetos or hab funtiems chasing chimkinbirb, him onlee care about proteccs. Do yoo frens beliebs him, or he jus playin tuff guy but rlly wants chair?

Hai frens! Ai Matilda, french bulldoggy, doggo rites activist, yoo knows me. Today ai went to a place dat smelled like gud foodos, and ai sitted dere wiv mai hooman until yummy foodos came out fur us. (Ai lieks places dat smell like gud foodos, but meny does not let me go inside dem becuz discriminashun, so it nice dat outside got warm agen!)

Mai concern is dis: both me an mai hooman sitted same amount longlong time, so wai did hooman git mor yummy foodos dan me? Hooman gibbed me little bit uv yummy foodos, mebe one or too bites, but hooman eated at leest 20 bites. We bof sitted same amount longtiem. Ai efen did a laydown (counts as dubble sitting). Seems not fair. Shud ai soo?

Full text free version linked as gift article.

I knew political names were going to show up in that client list!

Hai frens, ai Matilda! Ai knows we haz meny legal precedent dat hooman gib doggo baff iz vry bad illegal, but wut about wen hooman gibs hooman baff?

Hooman did it to selb, but ai tink wuz becuz a misunerstand. Hooman sed had an ouchie an baff would maek better, but obvuslee dat stoopid, baffs maeks wetter not better! So mebe hooman owes hooman sum treatos? And also owes me sum treatos becuz ai didnt liek an had to soopervise? It wuz much scarier for me dan wen hooman jus stands in rainbox!