u/Fiyainthehole

Discovered partner talking with other women in long-term relationship. We bought a house together recently.

First woman was an ex-girlfriend he labeled a “friend” when we first started dating. They dated 10 years ago. Turns out, she confessed feelings of wanting to be in a relationship with him and he said he “had felt that way too, but bad timing”. When asked if he was still poly he said “monogamous for this one”. This was after we had been serious for 6 months.

When he asked me if I was still comfortable with him talking with an ex-girlfriend, I said yes as I had no idea she had confessed all of this to him. I generally do not care if people are still friendly with an ex.

He bought her birthdays gifts (shipped on Amazon, she lives in another state) and offered to face time with her at one point. He did not tell me he bought her gifts, I knew virtually nothing about this woman. He offers her a lot of emotional support but I could see that he lied when he was telling her about his job (he lost his job) and he intentionally would not tell her about when we moved in together, got engaged and bought a house. He just skipped over all of that. He has said he “cherishes” their friendship.

I’m only mentioned one singular time in their conversations when he first told her about being in a relationship with me. I know this is mundane, but I am gluten free and so is she, and at one point they were talking about gluten free pizza. He said how great gluten free pizza can be. The thing is - that was MY gluten free pizza. That was a perfect opportunity to mention me? He intentionally doesn’t mention me.

During a previous Christmas she was going to come by and see him. Like they were actively talking about her coming up from the state she lives in. He never mentioned that to me (we weren’t living together at this point). He said he knew she wouldn’t actually come up, so it was all talk. His family lives in that area too, so she planned to visit them.

The second woman was a random woman he used to flirt with who reached out over Facebook. So she reached out and started asking about his life. He said that he had moved to my state “for a change of pace”. This isn’t true? He literally moved to move in with me. And then he started talking about how he was going to buy a house. Again, zero mention of me. This was around Christmas when he had proposed to me in front of my whole family and we lived together.

The woman basically said that she was going to be single forever and she wishes she dated men like him (emotionally intelligent). He basically agreed that men should go to therapy. When I told him I found this out, his response was “I thought she had a husband”. Additionally he mentioned visiting her when he drove down to see family. He never drives down by himself, I always accompany him. I don’t know how he would even achieve that?

I found copious amount of porn and porn addiction but he has admitted to that. That does not bother me as much. I am not anti-porn but I understand why others are. Although, he was actively hiding it from me out of shame. Our intimacy has never been stable after moving in together. Every time I would try to bring up intimacy, he would get defensive.

I have always had his phone password. He said that this is proof he was not hiding these conversations from me, as I could easily look at them. I don’t know if I can even start to buy that explanation. He never had his phone notifications on. There are no pictures of me on his Facebook but we are publicly “in a relationship”. I never want to look at someone’s phone and violate them like that. It makes me feel guilty. Unfortunately I had to now as there were too many red flags. I’ve never had to do that before in a relationship.

I did not find any direct flirting (like complimenting others, for example) or proof of him meeting up with people.

So, what would you label all of this? As far as I know, he has not cheated on me physically.