Rekindling an old friendship
I had a friend and we had been friends since we were about 12 years old. She was one of my best friends. We played in the orchestra together, I was at her house a lot because my mom was a single mom and had to work a lot. Her parents were like second parents to me. They made sure I had black shoes for a violin concert when my mom couldn’t afford them.
And then at age 16, I was a senior in high school and I landed a good job at State Farm corporate. They worked with the local high school each year and hire two people, one for corporate and one for the fire building and you competed against about 75 people for two positions. I got one of them.
Oh, you could tell they killed her to congratulate me. I mean, she didn’t have to work in high school, I started working at age 12 when I had a paper route. And then I got a work permit at age 14 and instead of working at DQ. I also detasseled during the summer. State Farm hired me full-time after I graduated, but I also bartended at night, I was a workaholic.
Then I met a guy and we dated for about a year and a half when we decided we were moving to Florida. We had grown-up in central Illinois, corn country, Illinois. Her and I lost touch for about seven years. Then my stepdad died and I went back to Illinois for the funeral. Melissa’s mom worked with my stepdad so she knew I would come for that funeral. And that’s a celebration of life, she called the venue and they somehow found me and told me I had a phone call. It was her mom and we rekindled our friendship.
Her mom got sick in her early 50s and never fully recovered. And then her dad got sick and Melissa needed to take her dad to Minnesota, specialist or something, but her mom couldn’t be left alone. And her mom was super picky about who could come and stay and she was OK with me coming. So I flew up there and I spent 12 days with her mom, as she took her dad to Minnesota.
Her dad died maybe a year later, it had to do with exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam. Then her mom died and I was there when her mom died, I was there when she took her last breath.
Fast-forward about maybe 8 years later and I was getting ready to go to Illinois for a visit, I was going to be there in two days.
My mom died, unexpectedly, two days before I got there. I don’t even remember that 16 Hour Drive, I know I cried a ton.
I called Melissa, no answer. I texted her and it was. I’m busy and will text you later.
I was there for almost a month cleaning out my mom’s house and all that kind of stuff and this was during Covid. So I didn’t really expect to see her but a text would’ve been nice. Never did hear from her.
I get home and there’s a sympathy card along with a 10 page letter. From Melissa.
She listed out everything she could remember that she thought my mom did wrong whether it was something she did or something she said.
I was floored, and I was also sick to my stomach that someone could sit there and write this, someone that supposedly loved me. My mom did not like her in our childhood, but I always stuck up for her.
I blocked her on everything. I didn’t even reach out to her to discuss this because to me, this crossed the line. No my mom was not perfect, but neither was I.
But I’ll admit, I miss her. But I don’t know how to handle that letter. I don’t know how to get past it. We are in our early 50s now, so we were friends for 30 years because my mom died six years ago.
How would you suggest I try to mend this friendship??? because the letter has to be addressed. And there needs to be a huge apology and I need to know why she felt the need to write that. Yeah, my mom did shit that wasn’t right, but you know why, when someone dies, I think all that needs to be let go. What does rehashing all of that bring you? nothing.
Then that six years I have lost my oldest sister, my brother was killed when he was on a bicycle and a driver hit a mini he died instantly, and my only remaining sibling is dying of stage four cancer. And I lost three dogs during those six years. A lot of loss.
My last dog is dying right now.
So I could use one of my oldest friends, but I can’t get past this, what she wrote.
Do I call her and try to listen to why she did this???
I couldn’t have a celebration of life or even a funeral because of Covid but two years later, I had a memorial bench installed in the park that we played in his kids and I did a life celebration and I sent out invitations and she got one. Even though she had written this letter, I sent her one, but she never showed up.
I think she knows what she did was wrong. And if she really wanted to apologize, all she has to do is text my husband. He didn’t block her.
Would you even try to salvage this friendship or do I just let go?