u/Foreign_Degree160

I know this might sound like a basic question or it might seem repetitive on here but this is my first time here lol. I just don’t really understand the thought process. To me it’s like “the people I want don’t want me, so I’m just gonna say no one does and blame everyone but myself”. Maybe that’s just due to the interactions I’ve had but I would like to get a better understanding. I’m not here to judge but I will ask questions and for clarification so if you are easily triggered this might not be the discussion for you🙃

I’m only 18 and I just graduated high school

I’ve been sa’d twice, groomed (?), I use to do sexual online content, substance abuse, dealt with an unmedicated bipolar mom and sister growing up, then I got diagnosed my junior year after a really bad mixed episode. That’s just the base of everything without getting into too much detail and taking up 50 posts. I’m supposed to be starting college this month but I only signed up because of pressure and it’s what I felt I had to do not really what I should do.i think I need a break to just be and realize everything I’ve been through over the years( everything I mentioned started in about 1st grade and up). I feel like such a failure and disappointment. I had so much promise growing up I was literally a straight a “teachers pet” so to go from that to a homebound, barely graduating, bipolar stoner is insane

I want to start this by saying please don’t just get in the comments about how I’m “avoiding responsibility “ or just a bunch of “just take meds “spams

Am I the only one that feels the meds help the people around you more than it actually helps you? Like people can deal with me more I guess and they aren’t as worried cause I’m not showing I’m depressed 24/7 but I personally feel worse. It’s like my mind went from on 24/7 to now I just feel like an empty shell. I feel like my personality has been scraped from me, I can force it every now and then but deep down I feel like I don’t know who I really am anymore. Idk if it’s just the meds I’m on or just how I view taking medication overall. I just feel like a shell and when I do feel emotions it’s the really intense emotions.

I would rather just always feel everything and then sometimes some extra rather than feel nothing at all then everything all at once

Heyy, so when i’m alone im happy usually painting, drawing, writing poems, doing something. The moment someone talks to me or I get around people that all goes away though. I immediately get irritated and my body kind of feels like it’s holding itself in a way(only way i can explain it) and it’s like I get filled with disgust, irritation, and rage. Then eventually when im on my own i go right back to “fine”. Usually it’s a process of guilt and crying cause I don’t mean to get upset with them they’re all just so irritating. Like the sound of their voices reminds me of nails on a chalkboard. And then eventually im happy dancing occasionally or watching movies having a great time. Is this common? Advice? Idk