u/Foreign_Matter_4638

I hate that I always do this to myself. I know the outcome. I know it doesn't fix anything. I know all it does is make me feel guilty. And this time, even the guilt is barely breaking through this wall of numbness. I know the regret I'll feel tomorrow when I see people who'll inevitably see the bandages and know what I did. And yet, knowing all of this, I do it again anyways. I wish my brain would rationalize more when I know this isnt the solution but its only getting worse overtime instead of better like it should be. Im just sick of it

Not using SH as a coping method feels so difficult. It almost feels like any internal struggle isn't valid anymore because it isn't physical (which is totally BS, I know that much and would never want to hear anyone else say that).

I ended up having to tell my BF that I've been trying not to relapse because he said he could tell something was off about me lately. And he told me he's so proud of how long I've gone and the effort I've put in. And I appreciate it so, so much, but my gosh, that little voice in my head won't go away. It's exhausting feeling like I'm in a constant battle. Like, I know if I get too relaxed, I could easily slip, but it's taking all my energy being this vigilant about it.

Idk, I just needed to vent that off because it's been weighing on me heavily, and I hope by writting it out like this, itll lift some of that weight.

Genuine question and I don't know if there's a better place to ask this, but what happens when the crisis line is called? Do they try to refer you to a hospital in any way? Is there a general structure to how the call plays out?

The urges always get worse around the time of my period. It makes me feel crazy. Logically I know it's just the hormonal drop exaggerating my existing depression, but no matter how much I tell myself that, the urges don't go away. I can't even pinpoint a specific trigger since I think it's literally just hormones being stupid. I really hate this.

I've never used the bus as I normally walk everywhere in town, however I have friends who wouldn't be down for that. But trying to read the schedules and maps gives me a headache and I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

I really dont understand my habits anymore. When I was numbed fully out, I only cut like once every 20-40 days. But for some reason, now that there are a few more positives and happy moments in my life, the urges hit more often and harder. Like, I could handle the long stretches of depression, but its when its broken by happiness, the drop back down to being numb feels more extreme, making me cut more frequently despite feeling happier overall. Its really confusing and annoying