Libido + kink mismatch is wrecking my confidence - need advice
I’m F(20), partner is M(21). I’m very high-libido and affectionate. I still want sex multiple times a day and initiate often, but I wish he’d initiate too.
We’ve talked about it a lot. He says he’s just not that sexual. Our current frequency is already more than his past relationships, though way less than how we started. The constant rejection is killing my confidence and making me feel undesirable. I’m terrified of losing our spark and becoming roommates. I don’t expect multiple times a day — 2-3x a week of mutual, wanted sex would be enough. I just don’t know how to bring it up anymore without making him feel guilty or like it’s a chore.
The bigger issue is we have opposite kinks. He’s submissive and wants to be overpowered/told what to do. I’m submissive and masochistic and need that dynamic ∼80% of the time to feel satisfied. He’d be fine with vanilla forever.
I’ve spent months trying to be dominant for him, but it’s not in me. It makes me anxious and we both end up unsatisfied — him because I’m not into it, me because it’s not what I want. Our vanilla sex is amazing, but D/s is involved in some way most of the time.
I recently told him I’m submissive, but we haven’t acted on it because I feel guilty asking him to dom when I know he doesn’t want to. I feel like I’m lying during sex and that we’re too far gone to fix it. I can’t fault him for not reading my mind, but I also can’t keep pretending.
Is there any way forward when both libido and core kinks are incompatible? Or is this just sexual incompatibility?
TL;DR:
F(20) high libido, M(21) low libido. Constant rejection is killing my confidence. We also have opposite kinks — he’s submissive, I’m submissive/masochistic and need it ∼80% of the time. I’ve tried being dominant and can’t; it makes us both miserable. Vanilla sex is great but rare. I feel like I’m lying during sex and we’re too far gone. Can opposite libidos + opposing core kinks ever work, or is this just incompatibility?