u/Frequent_Cap8633

I got a letter from insurance a couple months ago, due to a technicality they weren’t going to cover anything from my birth or my sons nicu stay. 60 thousand dollars, and I was on the hook. After months of stressing, looking into bankruptcy, and tears, I got a letter from the hospital today saying that they used their charitable fund to cover my sons portion of the bill, $46,000 of debt, gone.
I just want to shout it from the rooftops, I still can barely believe it.

I got a letter from insurance a couple months ago, due to a technicality they weren’t going to cover anything from my birth or my sons nicu stay. 60 thousand dollars, and I was on the hook. After months of stressing, looking into bankruptcy, and tears, I got a letter from the hospital today saying that they used their charitable fund to cover my sons portion of the bill, $46,000 of debt, gone.

I feel like my baby hates me. He smiles and laughs so much more and so much easier for my mom and my husband, hell he was even letting out full giggles for my grandma today and then when I try to interact with him he looks all around instead of at me and he only gives me small giggles and smiles. I just feel like he hates me and I feel so much anxiety around him right now like I shouldn’t even be around because he obviously prefers everyone else. He’s bottle fed and it’s not like he needs me literally at all.

I just feel like I’m failing at being a mom and I feel so awkward around him now like everything I say and do is wrong or not good enough. I feel so fucking exhausted all the time and I feel like that translates into me not interacting with him well enough even though we do tummy time, I read to him I play with him I do sensory exploration with him every single day and I try so so hard to be that person that’s good with babies but honestly I’ve always felt so awkward around babies. I didn’t start feeling awkward around him until it started feeling obvious that he prefers other people but now I cannot shake this. I feel like I’m letting the mental fog get to me and make me boring to him.

I feel so afraid, like he’s gonna grow up to dislike me too even though logically I know I’m a good candidate for being a mom. I’m kind and warm and understanding and patient and I love to teach but I feel like none of that matters. I feel like I’ll be a better mom when he’s older but if he doesn’t like me now he’s probably not gonna like me later either. Logically I know I’m not doing anything wrong. I love him so much and I make sure he knows that. I tend to his every need I never let him cry I’m always on when I’m with him.

I just don’t know what to do. I have so much support and help and love around me and I feel so incredibly ridiculous for struggling. He’s a relatively good sleeper with no reflux issues and he doesn’t cry very much. He’s ahead of the curve on so many things and such a healthy happy boy but I just feel like he doesn’t like me. Especially since I went back to work I feel like I come home and he doesn’t even care. He’s just so uninterested in me I feel. Even when he does laugh and smile with me it does nothing to penetrate this overwhelming feeling that I’m just not good enough.

My body is still so broken even 3+ months pp and I can’t help but feel like I went through hell to get him here and I still constantly feel like shit physically just for him to prefer everyone else. And then I feel bad for borderline resenting (resent doesn’t feel like the right word but idk what the right word is) resenting him because he owes me nothing. He does not have to perform for my love. I love him so so much. I just want to feel like a good mom.

I don’t know what to do. I’m starting to feel really afraid of the way I’ve been feeling. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. Please help me. Please tell me this gets better and I’m not failing. I just want to be a good mom for him. I just want to feel good enough. I’ve worked so hard on my mental health for so long that I feel like such a failure for struggling right now because it’s so illogical. I know it’s illogical. I just don’t know what to do.