u/FreshEmployment1703

Am I the only one who feels like this is a common occurrence with therapy for PDA/autistic kids? Because I’m exhausted.
My son is 7 and was officially diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 7. He has a very strong demand-avoidant profile, and his masking is honestly unreal.
At school, they tell me he “does great.” He has no friends, scored 0 on all of his state testing, and yet because he can mask and hold it together at school, there seems to be this assumption that he must not actually have significant difficulties.
I’ll say something like, “He knows how to do that. He can count to 100. He’s refusing because you’re asking him to do it,” and I get this look that makes me feel like they’re thinking, “No, maybe he just has a severe intellectual disability.”
His paperwork literally says “mentally disabled” but doesn’t even have autism listed.
And then there’s therapy.
His behavior therapy is basically: demands, demands, demands.
For example: “Before your next session, I want you to poop on the toilet three times.”
THANKS. 😂
Now he’s definitely not pooping on that toilet.
If the entire strategy is just putting demands on him, I could do that myself. What I need is someone to help me understand how to get him to the goal without immediately creating a massive demand-anxiety cycle.
Because after these sessions, I’m sometimes dealing with HOURS of dysregulation.
Then today happened.
He’s fairly new to OT. Getting him to therapy in the first place is HARD. Doctors, therapy, school, stores—anything unfamiliar can be a huge struggle.
But today?
He put his shoes on.
He got ready.
He got into the car.
He came into the building.
He sat in the chair and waited.
That was a HUGE accomplishment for him.
Then the therapist came out.
She didn’t introduce herself or say hello. She immediately said, “We can take that phone away now.”
He wasn’t even using it.
He wasn’t holding it.
He was literally hiding underneath the chairs because he was anxious.
The phone is basically a safety object for him. It wasn’t on. It was dead. We have rules around when he can use it, and he actually does really well with those rules.
So I explained, “I can take the phone from him, but that will probably create a behavior. He responds better when we give him appropriate boundaries rather than just taking things away.”
Apparently, that was a problem.
She wanted me to make him come out from underneath the chairs and go with her.
I know my child.
If I had forced him away from me in that moment, there is a very real possibility he would have escalated, tried to bolt, or completely destroyed the room.
And honestly? I had no idea whether this woman would be prepared to handle that.
So I said, “Okay, I’ll come back with him this time, and we can work toward him going independently next time.”
She did NOT seem happy about that.
And then the comments started.
“Oh, I see who the real parent is.”
“Mom just lets you control her.”
She started making comments about how he “doesn’t get to control Mom.”
She flicked his finger because he was peeling paint.
She kept making comments about his behavior and about me.
My son remained completely nonverbal.
Eventually he started hissing, which is one of his ways of communicating when he’s overwhelmed.
And she said, “Yep, they told me I should expect that.”
Which honestly made me wonder what exactly had been said to her before we even walked in.
At one point she left the room and I started recording because I was honestly in disbelief at how this interaction was going.
I stated that he doesn’t like
Being talking about in third person so you know what she does?
She continued with things like:
“Child is mad, huh?”
“Child doesn’t want to play, he just wants to throw toys at Mom because Mom lets him.”
I had already explained that he does better when he’s given choices instead of being forced.
For example, instead of throwing three toys at him and expecting him to pick one, give him three choices and let HIM decide.
But she kept pushing making comments towards him and me. Kept going near him when he would clearly move away. Kept picking at him
And it got to the point that even my FIVE-YEAR-OLD daughter looked at her and very sweetly said:
“My brother doesn’t like that you’re doing that to him.”“He doesn’t like that. He would like you to stop.”
And this woman responded to my 5-year-old:
“Oh, I see the issues. You speak for him, huh?”
That was it.
We left.
And yes, I ended up dealing with a six-hour meltdown afterward.
And I don’t blame my son for that.
I’m actually heartbroken because instead of being able to celebrate what he accomplished that day. putting his shoes on, getting in the car, walking into a new building, sitting in a waiting room, tolerating a completely unfamiliar person & not beating her up or eloping on me I spent the rest of the day dealing with the fallout from a situation that I feel could have been handled completely differently.
And THIS is what frustrates me about therapy.
I don’t expect everyone to let my child do whatever he wants.
I don’t expect him to never have demands placed on him.
I don’t think autism means he shouldn’t learn boundaries.
But there is a difference between teaching a child and trying to control a child.
I wasn’t refusing to take his phone away because I’m incapable of parenting him.
I was explaining that taking it away in that exact moment would likely escalate him, and I was trying to prevent a crisis.
I wasn’t “letting him control me” by staying with him.
I was recognizing that he was terrified, unfamiliar with this person, and already hiding under chairs.
I wasn’t refusing to make him participate.
I was trying to figure out HOW to get him to participate successfully.
That’s what I thought therapy was supposed to help with.
And honestly, I am tired of having to explain to professionals that refusal does not automatically mean inability.
My son can count to 100.
He can do a LOT of things.
He doesn’t always demonstrate those skills when someone demands that he do them.
Those are not the same thing.
Sometimes I feel like professionals see a child who won’t comply and immediately decide the answer is MORE demands, MORE consequences, MORE control.
Meanwhile I’m sitting there thinking:
“Can we please figure out WHY he is refusing and what will actually help him feel safe enough to participate?”
Because I don’t want my son growing up believing that therapy is another place where adults are going to force him, shame him, or try to “win” against him.
I want him to learn how to communicate.
I want him to learn coping skills.
I want him to become more independent.
I want him to learn appropriate boundaries and flexibility.
But I also want him to understand that his body belongs to him, his communication matters, and the adults helping him are actually listening to him.
So… am I the only one experiencing this?
Because sometimes it feels like every therapy we try comes down to the same thing:
“How do we make this child comply?”
When what I desperately need is:
“How do we help this child feel safe enough to participate?”
Signed,
A “bad mom” apparently, because I know my own kid and don’t think every problem needs to be solved by taking something away and forcing compliance. 🙃

I’ve worked at this company for two years, and honestly it’s been chaotic from the beginning. I’ve had three different positions, and my role has constantly changed without much communication or structure.
When I was hired, I worked in the employee daycare on the other side of the building. It was a free daycare for employees’ children. I was making $20/hour to watch my own child and three other children alongside another employee. That daycare eventually shut down because the employee parents constantly complained, but there were also many serious issues happening behind the scenes. The manager at the time was sexually harassing female employees. It was extremely inappropriate. I’m not someone who likes conflict, so I kept my head down, did my job, and went home.
When the daycare closed, nearly everyone was let go. I had planned on leaving too, but the new manager asked me to move to the front office. I wasn’t even sure what I would be doing because there didn’t seem to be much work up there. She offered me the Client Coordinator position, where I scheduled meetings, communicated with parents, coordinated with staff, and handled administrative tasks. I’m adhd and I had told her I never have done a office position and I wasn’t sure I would be the best fit for it) she assured me she would help me and teach me.
After a while, things started changing without anyone actually telling me. The same manager who gave me that position slowly started taking over my responsibilities. I later found out I was now considered an “Administrative Assistant,” but no one ever formally explained the change. Even though my title changed, I was still expected to do everything I had been doing before—plus additional responsibilities. Since I was still making $20/hour, I just continued doing the work without complaining.
Then everything changed again.
That manager quit. The other admin quit. Our BCBA quit.
At that point, I was essentially the only office employee left. The owners even told me they didn’t think they needed to hire anyone because I was already doing everyone’s jobs and handling everything successfully.
Eventually, however, they decided to hire an Office Manager so the manager from the other location wouldn’t have to oversee both sites.
Since she started (less than four months ago), my work environment has completely changed.
Instead of having clear job responsibilities, every day feels like a guessing game. I never know what I’m supposed to do, what I’m not allowed to do anymore, or whether I’m going to get in trouble for simply doing my job. People constantly step into my responsibilities, but no one communicates expectations.
For context, I work at an ABA clinic. I also have a son with significant autism support needs who attends ABA himself. Because of that, I leave work at 3:00 p.m. every day so I can pick up my children from school, and occasionally I have to miss work for his therapy appointments or behavioral needs.
The Office Manager has made it obvious she doesn’t like that schedule. She doesn’t like having to cover from 3:00-4:00 p.m., and she doesn’t like covering if I’m sick.
At one point she even told me I should quit my job, stay home with my son, and collect state assistance instead.
This week she casually told me she wants to hire another person to work alongside me. She listed off essentially my entire job description while watching my reaction, almost like she expected me to become upset. I didn’t react.
Since then, she’s been passive-aggressive with me every day.
The strange part is that I stay busy all day long. The other clinic has four people doing what I’m expected to do by myself. I don’t complain, I don’t ask for help, and I simply come in, do my work, and go home.
Lately she has started excluding me from conversations, group chats, and decisions that directly involve my job. I’m left out of communication on purpose.
One recent situation really stood out.
A BCBA emailed me asking me to print paperwork for a parent. Printing things for parents is part of my job, but I already knew it would probably upset the Office Manager if I simply handled it myself.
I opened the email and noticed she had already read the conversation. Instead of just doing my job, I actually walked to the back, came back up, and asked her if she wanted to handle it instead because I felt like I was walking on eggshells.
She acted confused and gave me a long explanation about how she had no idea what I was talking about and hadn’t seen any email from the BCBA.
The problem is—I already knew she had.
Later I found that exact email sitting in the deleted folder. It was the only email in the trash.
At that point I genuinely started wondering whether she was trying to make me look bad or intentionally preventing me from doing my job.
This is what work has become. I second-guess every task. I feel like I need permission to complete responsibilities I’ve successfully handled for a long time. I’m constantly excluded, ignored, or left out of communication.
The owners have repeatedly acknowledged that I can effectively do the work of multiple people. In fact, they originally decided not to replace staff because they believed I was already doing those jobs.
Now I don’t know what to think.
Part of me feels like this is entirely the Office Manager trying to establish control or push me out. Another part of me wonders if the owners are aware of what’s happening and are allowing it because they also want me to leave without having to terminate me.
I don’t plan to confront anyone because I need a job that allows me to leave at 3:00 p.m. for my children, and that’s difficult to find. I also don’t want unnecessary conflict.
But after two years of constant changes, unclear expectations, and workplace games, I’m mentally exhausted. I know I’m doing my job well. I work hard, stay busy, don’t create problems, and rarely need help.
I just don’t know anymore if what I’m experiencing is one manager’s behavior, or if the owners are quietly supporting it.
Either way, going to work every day feels like walking on eggshells, and it’s becoming emotionally draining.

I have bad adhd so I’m not going to say I’m the best person for the role but I do my job & the mind games are 10 times worse with the adhd I’m constantly trying to figure out if it’s a me thing or a them thing. Or if I’m overthinking.

I’ve worked at this company for two years, and honestly it’s been chaotic from the beginning. I’ve had three different positions, and my role has constantly changed without much communication or structure.
When I was hired, I worked in the employee daycare on the other side of the building. It was a free daycare for employees’ children. I was making $20/hour to watch my own child and three other children alongside another employee. That daycare eventually shut down because the employee parents constantly complained, but there were also many serious issues happening behind the scenes. The manager at the time was sexually harassing female employees. It was extremely inappropriate. I’m not someone who likes conflict, so I kept my head down, did my job, and went home.
When the daycare closed, nearly everyone was let go. I had planned on leaving too, but the new manager asked me to move to the front office. I wasn’t even sure what I would be doing because there didn’t seem to be much work up there. She offered me the Client Coordinator position, where I scheduled meetings, communicated with parents, coordinated with staff, and handled administrative tasks. I’m adhd and I had told her I never have done a office position and I wasn’t sure I would be the best fit for it) she assured me she would help me and teach me.
After a while, things started changing without anyone actually telling me. The same manager who gave me that position slowly started taking over my responsibilities. I later found out I was now considered an “Administrative Assistant,” but no one ever formally explained the change. Even though my title changed, I was still expected to do everything I had been doing before—plus additional responsibilities. Since I was still making $20/hour, I just continued doing the work without complaining.
Then everything changed again.
That manager quit. The other admin quit. Our BCBA quit.
At that point, I was essentially the only office employee left. The owners even told me they didn’t think they needed to hire anyone because I was already doing everyone’s jobs and handling everything successfully.
Eventually, however, they decided to hire an Office Manager so the manager from the other location wouldn’t have to oversee both sites.
Since she started (less than four months ago), my work environment has completely changed.
Instead of having clear job responsibilities, every day feels like a guessing game. I never know what I’m supposed to do, what I’m not allowed to do anymore, or whether I’m going to get in trouble for simply doing my job. People constantly step into my responsibilities, but no one communicates expectations.
For context, I work at an ABA clinic. I also have a son with significant autism support needs who attends ABA himself. Because of that, I leave work at 3:00 p.m. every day so I can pick up my children from school, and occasionally I have to miss work for his therapy appointments or behavioral needs.
The Office Manager has made it obvious she doesn’t like that schedule. She doesn’t like having to cover from 3:00-4:00 p.m., and she doesn’t like covering if I’m sick.
At one point she even told me I should quit my job, stay home with my son, and collect state assistance instead.
This week she casually told me she wants to hire another person to work alongside me. She listed off essentially my entire job description while watching my reaction, almost like she expected me to become upset. I didn’t react.
Since then, she’s been passive-aggressive with me every day.
The strange part is that I stay busy all day long. The other clinic has four people doing what I’m expected to do by myself. I don’t complain, I don’t ask for help, and I simply come in, do my work, and go home.
Lately she has started excluding me from conversations, group chats, and decisions that directly involve my job. I’m left out of communication on purpose.
One recent situation really stood out.
A BCBA emailed me asking me to print paperwork for a parent. Printing things for parents is part of my job, but I already knew it would probably upset the Office Manager if I simply handled it myself.
I opened the email and noticed she had already read the conversation. Instead of just doing my job, I actually walked to the back, came back up, and asked her if she wanted to handle it instead because I felt like I was walking on eggshells.
She acted confused and gave me a long explanation about how she had no idea what I was talking about and hadn’t seen any email from the BCBA.
The problem is—I already knew she had.
Later I found that exact email sitting in the deleted folder. It was the only email in the trash.
At that point I genuinely started wondering whether she was trying to make me look bad or intentionally preventing me from doing my job.
This is what work has become. I second-guess every task. I feel like I need permission to complete responsibilities I’ve successfully handled for a long time. I’m constantly excluded, ignored, or left out of communication.
The owners have repeatedly acknowledged that I can effectively do the work of multiple people. In fact, they originally decided not to replace staff because they believed I was already doing those jobs.
Now I don’t know what to think.
Part of me feels like this is entirely the Office Manager trying to establish control or push me out. Another part of me wonders if the owners are aware of what’s happening and are allowing it because they also want me to leave without having to terminate me.
I don’t plan to confront anyone because I need a job that allows me to leave at 3:00 p.m. for my children, and that’s difficult to find. I also don’t want unnecessary conflict.
But after two years of constant changes, unclear expectations, and workplace games, I’m mentally exhausted. I know I’m doing my job well. I work hard, stay busy, don’t create problems, and rarely need help.
I just don’t know anymore if what I’m experiencing is one manager’s behavior, or if the owners are quietly supporting it.
Either way, going to work every day feels like walking on eggshells, and it’s becoming emotionally draining.

I have bad adhd so I’m not going to say I’m the best person for the role but I do my job & the mind games are 10 times worse with the adhd I’m constantly trying to figure out if it’s a me thing or a them thing. Or if I’m overthinking.