u/Frosty_Awareness_916

I don’t know if this is caused by my ocd, but I’ve always wanted to have random disorders that will make me suffer. I am not neurotypical in any means and it gives me this obsessive urge to “collect,” every other mental disorder. I want them all, and i am aware I shouldn’t, I wish I didn’t, and I know it’s wrong. It’s like I think they’re cool or something, or that I NEED to understand it, and I need to fit in with everyone else who is neurodivergent TO A TEA. I know that real, disabling disorders aren’t cool and that people are affected by them every day. It makes me feel insanely guilty.

I have no doubt I have ocd, (I am diagnosed with it and four other disorders) but sometimes it’s like I’ll force myself to notice how someone with another disorder I don’t have would react to the situation I’m in- and then comes actually feeling that way. I know it’s fake but it feels so real that I will end up reacting like that, and my brain gets some kind of validation from it. (only small things. I never would ever make a scene, or make other people uncomfortable. i also know this generalizes people, I have no other way to word it.) I feel insanely bad because this is probably very disrespectful to everyone with those conditions. Somehow I didn’t realize this has been going on for the past four years of my life. My brain gives me an urge to do something I wouldn’t normally do, that doesn’t really harm people, I’d do it. Was it for attention? to feel validated? I don’t know. It wasn’t in a disrespectful way or a way to make fun of anyone, I don’t even know why I acted like this.

I think this is finally it for me, I really want to die, now. All I can think about is how if I told this to anyone who doesn’t understand OCD, they would hate me forever. Or if my fears are confirmed and I am just evil, they’d hate me anyway. yeah. that’s it, I know I’ll probably get over this theme, too, but I have never felt THIS bad before. Can literally anyone relate?

I’ve lived my whole life like this. I can remember being little, I remember the first time I ended up touching myself as a kid. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what started it.

The tingling feeling never went away. I have never been able to have anything touch my private areas without it being triggered, I’d always get in trouble as a kid for adjusting my underwear, but I couldn’t help it because i was so, so uncomfortable. I can’t wear underwear anymore. When I’m on my period I have to slap the pad onto the back of my pants so it doesn’t touch me. I’m on birth control that makes me horribly depressed just so I don’t have to deal with it. It’s a trade off I’m willing to accept, but I don’t want to live my whole life like this.

I always thought everyone was like this, but I wondered how everyone was able to sit with their underwear brushing up against them, or ride bicycles, or wear shorts. It was so isolating. I thought that somehow I had cursed myself for masturbating as early as elementary school, and that it was all my fault. I developed a fear of ever doing it again, and I’m sent into a panic everytime I accidentally trigger my PGAD. I can’t feel any strong emotions without a flare up, I can’t touch soft things without a flare up, I cant dress how I want. I hoped for years that it would go away when I got my period, I was never even taught about my own anatomy. I don’t know how bad it was before, but one night I want to use the bathroom and i noticed how everytime my bladder was empty my symptoms would get worse and worse. maybe the feeling of it being full masked the tingling sensations??

Id be in pain down there after going to trampoline parks, sometimes I will randomly get stinging/painful throbbing sensations that go on and off, it’s worse than the constant buzzing. I was born a month early and baby me tried to be born even earlier, so I’ve always wondered if my anatomy was just messed up or something. I have found a way to cope with it, I don’t know if it’s healthy or not.(fixating on fictional ships because if I’m going to be aroused all the time I might as well be enjoying it. I never act on anything, im much too scared of ever experiencing that feeling again.) Im going to see a doctor for this someday, when I move out. I don’t want my parents to know more than I’ve already asked about when I was younger. I was told it was normal for years, or that I needed to gain weight. I couldn’t even put words to it for years. one day I will be free, even if it takes me chopping off my clit. id do it as a last resort.

This subreddit has atleast helped me, now that i can finally put words to it. now that i know im not alone and suffering forever. One day ill find out the cause of this. One day I will fix whats wrong with me. if you’ve read this far, thank you. its comforting to have a space where I can finally get all of this off my chest. I hope everyone also suffering from this eventually finds relief too. ❤️

I am diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and a bunch of other stuff, so I know I definitely have them.

Ive noticed lately I am constantly entrenched in certain pieces of media. Said media will become almost ALL I am interested in for months, all I want to think about, all I live for, if im being honest. I will make art of it, look for references of it everywhere there could possibly be one, down to even seeing the colors of the characters, and fall asleep thinking about it every single night. I'll debate myself on theories in my own head for hours and hours. Im also active in fandom spaces! I know this part is probably unhealthy but I dont mind, it gives me something I want to stay around for. (I have a pretty unhealthy home life) I do have other interests, and I do engage with other stuff, but whatever fandom im in at the moment is always incredibly dear to me.

OCD always tries to ruin things, though. Everytime this happens, usually I am just stuck in an onslaught of constant anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and the mental gymnastics I have to do are insane. Basically I want to keep the media I am obsessed with far far away from the horrible OCD thoughts that im plagued by. I know ERP would help me. But I have become too anxious to look at the things I love before. I have stared at something I once loved and have been unable to feel anything but fear, and longing to go back to a time where I was happier. I remember once I let OCD get the best of me, and I stopped engaging with any media I like because im picky about it, and I had nothing to keep myself distracted with.

I wanted to kill myself for those two weeks. That is unheard of for me, considering my previously all-consuming fear of dying that I had to get over. Im worried during ERP that I will loose my will to live again. I do try to take small steps the best I can, I know it will be better for me in the long run, but I just can't ruin or loose the one thing that's keeping me alive. Typically the thoughts are POCD related, along with a bunch of other insane shit. So it makes it even worse, considering how fandom spaces can be involving those topics. I dont want to be associated with THEM. (Darkshippers. Basically people who normalize incest and rape, and claim it's fine because its fictional. It's beyond vile.)

Can anyone offer me advice?

So, a couple days ago I was walking through the hallways of my highschool, and I noticed someone had dropped a tube of what looked to be henna. the person was long gone, and I didn’t want it to go to waste, so I took it. no harm, no foul. this isn’t the part I’m obsessing over rn.

i wasn’t thinking about anything other than how fun it would be to finally be able to give myself temporary tattoos that I wouldn’t be able to accidentally scratch off. plus I’m way too scared to ever get a real tattoo.

I “drew” (I don’t know what you’d call it) a bunch of like, paw prints on myself bc I rlly like cats, and I got so carried away I even gave myself cat toe beans on my feet lol. (I really like cats) right as I was adding some stuff from some media I like, (nothing offensive, just my interests. I’m not going to name them because most of my generation things the stuff I am into is childish or weird.) the thought hit me. OH SHIT. I had done no research into this because I had seen some of my peers using it lately. I am a very artsy person and was only thinking about the art aspect. I finished what I was using it for, and then I did some googling, and it’s debated if it’s offensive. Ive heard people say using it for temporary tattoos is offensive, so I’m totally flipping out.

I didn’t try to replicate any culturally significant symbols or anything, I was just drawing whatever I wanted on myself.

im freaking out. I am trying so hard to just let this go because it was a stupid mistake, now I’m worrying if my views of like my favorite media will be tainted by this incident. also I’m white if it wasn’t any more obvious than it already was.

anyone got advice? ;’)