u/Full-Childhood-Val

Hi!

I'm an 18 year old regressor.

Ive always regressed on my own and basically prepared my stuff while feeling like I was entering little space.

The thing is that I've been finding it WAY harder to carry both roles lately.

Ive never had a caregiver and i was basically doing everything on my own. But lately ive been feeling like I cant handle some stuff when it comes to being my own caregiver.

And it's been taking a toll on me.

I feel like crying a lot lately when I'm regressed. Here's the thing: I sometimes feel incapable of taking both roles at the same time. And I've been struggling to prepare ahead of time for regressing.

Before, I would have time to set plushies with me, get my coloring book, put on a cartoon, etc. but lately ive found myself already regressed and even chosing a snack has become hard.

If there are any other littles out there with the same issue or have had this issue before, please tell me how you did or do to help yourselves.

Thank you.

For context:

I haven't been diagnosed but I've been investigating depression, I'm pretty sure I have it, I've been struggling with so much since I moved at 10, and it really started to hit me at 11.

I've started a healing journey since last summer and it was working a bit.

The thing is that I got a really really big down during the last 2 months.

I literally don't know what to do anymore.

I turned 18 recently and I'm completely lost when it comes to life. I stopped studying because I ended up not feeling what I was studying, and decided to take a year to try finding out what I wanted.

But I'm slowly realizing that I just don't care or don't want to do anything anymore.

I keep functioning for the most part.

I do stuff and enjoy them quite a bit.

But my head keeps going to that place where you feel like you're not the one doing those things and smiling and all.

I've thought about making this summer the last one but I guess I want to make up stuff so it's not.

I don't want to leave but I feel like I'm already gone in a way and that part of me just doesn't want to continue. Like it was already stripped of all strength and willingness.

I feel like I'm so tired... And at the same time like I want to keep fighting... But I also know I'm not exactly able to keep going...

I really don't know what to do anymore.

For context:

I'm an 18 year old child who got abandoned as a baby and was left with hundreds of questions about my origins, etc.

I always see vids of other abandoned (by parents) people who get told that they weren't wanted, or that the bio parent doesn't want to parent them and I always see how people react to these stories.

"What a bad father, it's your child"

"How could this woman be so cold to the kid she brought into this world?"

"These people are heartless"

"How could they? It's their kid!"

It's always those comments I see.

And it literally got me wondering if I'm the only one with the next mindset:

Having a bio parent telling you straight forward that they don't want you in their lives is better than silence.

Here's how I see it.

•Kid being told = Hurt + acceptance

VS

•Kid not being told = Wonders their whole life and often doubts themselves on the existential level + prone to feel bad for doubting other people's love for them or just plainly question why they are here if they weren't even wanted or what happened for them to be abandoned.

Basically Hurt + Doubt/possible existential crisis + frustration for not knowing

I got really curious about if I'm the only one who would prefer knowing than being left there to wonder.