u/FunGazebo

Someone calls you and says, “Bro uko wapi?” You say you're at home. “Uko na shughuli?” You say no. “Na uko na thao?” Now you understand the interview. The funny part is they don't even ask directly. They slowly investigate your location, availability and financial situation before presenting the case. Then comes “Nisaidie kidogo nitakurudishia.” You already know that “kidogo” has destroyed many friendships. You send the money and immediately receive “Asante bro, God bless.” You don't know whether to feel appreciated or financially exploited.

If a Kenyan tells you“Nafika in five minutes,” should we understand that as five actual minutes or a flexible time zone? Because I've waited for someone for 40 minutes and they still called me asking, Umefika? Maybe Kenya needs to officially introduce Kenyan Standard Time (KST).

Lately I met a girl and things were going really well. We talked every day, went out, shared jokes, and even had those late-night calls where you start discussing your entire childhood for no reason. After a few weeks, I asked the big question: “So, what are we?” She said, “Tuko tu, usiweke pressure let not rush things.” I respected it and decided to relax. Fast forward a few months: we were basically dating. I was buying lunch, sending fare, checking if she got home safely, and listening to stories about her day. Then one day I saw her with another guy. I asked, Who is that? She looked at me and said, “You know we are not dating, right?” That's when I learned that in Kenya, “tuko tu” can mean anything from “we're getting to know each other” to “you're my boyfriend but don't ask questions.” Have you ever been stuck in a Kenyan relationship where nobody knows what you two actually are?