u/Funny_Story_Bro

If I watch a disturbing movie or show, I'm the type of person who can't let it go right away. It stays with me for hours because I can find some sort of relation to it in my dysfunctional family and crazy life. That felt like an excessive time to dwell on something like that when everyone else bounces back so fast. So I can turn it off. I can just switch that part of my brain off like "business as usual", go about my day, my heart rate and blood pressure immediately drop and are totally normal, but then I double over in stomach cramps or start puking. I feel calm, I'm just puking my guts out till my body feels it's done.

How do I process this stuff and actually calm down properly so my body doesn't jab me with a knife in the stomach over and over? I thought MY "calming down" was the right way. All the podcasts and meditations that try to get your mind off it do the same thing. It's like, if you run a marathon, you can't just stop. You have to keep running and jog down slowly after you cross the finish line because your body can't take the transition. That's what it feels like. Are there any exercises that approach anxiety in that way? Make it feel heard and satisfied? Just some things make me so mad and there's nothing I can do with that anger (there's no real change I can make) and that's what gets me doubled over.

(Sorry just watched a crime show where a woman killed her kids and I'm on the edge of puking.)

I pushed myself way too hard for way too long and I hit the burnout. It's the kind of feeling like I'd hit the limit for my mind and body, dug as deep as it could go, and then forced myself to dig 3 more feet down. Even when my job eased up I was so resentful that it didn't get better and I eventually left it and have been unemployed for 4 months. I'm miserable. At first I thought I just needed to crashout, let myself be an absolute mess for a while. But it didn't resolve itself or end. I'm still just as angry that I let myself be pushed and pushed and emotionally destroyed over and over again at that job. I will still angry rant about it if someone brings up work. I'm so angry that I was taken advantage of, that I let myself be taken advantage of, and I think I'd do it again too. I'm angry at myself because I don't trust myself. I pushed myself and still havent learned my lesson.

Everyday I just try to drown the day out in movies or books. Just get to the other side with no plan as months fly by. I'm getting terribly lonely. And being terribly lonely makes me seek deeper into small comforts that bring me further away from people.

I have submitted so few applications, but got a pre-interview assessment and I feel so conflicted over the fact that I kind of enjoyed it. I had gotten a new therapist and told her I was just going to do something non-career crap shot job next and she's been encouraging that. So it's a surprise. What if I do well and push myself too far again. What if I don't try and fail. I didn't know where to go from here, I feel nothing, I get sick constantly. I've got about 2 months left of unemployment and it's going to slip through my fingers. I don't know if I want to feel something or feel nothing.

I purchased a massive pack of eggs on sale, and for some reason thought eggs could last a few weeks boiled. Well I don't remember exactly when I boiled them, sometime in May. I thought Sunday? I've had a few everyday. The one I peeled yesterday seemed yellower and more difficult to peel. Like the whites crumbled instead of peeling nicely.

I don't have a nose that can tell small differences in boiled eggs... How do I know when they're too old?