u/GenericSpider

(OOC: not my normal character)

Last three times he prophesized the end of the world, it turned out to be a test of the faithful by the Lord.

This time it happened six days early. I guess the Lord decided to move up the timeline. His choices are not for us to question. Even if I think it's a bit weird he took my atheist brother, and my cat, but not me. Also the guy that was... lets just say legally mandated to go door to door and inform us of his past crimes.

I am happy to learn that they didn't leave their clothes behind. I'd hate to discover that heaven is some freaky nudist hippy commune.

(OOC: this takes place before any of the other Soap Swindler posts)

A long time ago, I was homeless, and desperately seeking employment. But nobody is going to hire a shabby looking, fowl smelling guy that hadn't shaved in months.

So I started stealing soap, shaving supplies, and nice clothes to make myself presentable. And since the unhoused have to stick together to survive, I started stealing that stuff for them too. Not sure when they started calling me the Soap Swindler.

Never had a run in with Batman. Unless you count the odd beating from Crazy Steve.

Eventually, I escaped homelessness with help from one of WE's "End Homelessness" initiatives, and got myself a job at Wayne Tech making cleaning products. I thought I'd left the old monicker behind.

But apparently, a soap opera actor with Malign Hypercondition Disorder is now using my old name. And he's not even stealing soap, he's using it to try to take over the world! No indication he's doing anything to help the impoverished.

If curses were real, I'd make it so that anyone calling themselves the Soap Swindler better do something for the poor or... I dunno, get murdered or something. Maybe that's too harsh... ah, who am I kidding?

Curses aren't real.

After being apprehended by Batman and Nightlight, he was shivved in prison and bled out. To be honest, I'd been planning on leaving the gang for a while.

John was a murderer who usurped our original leader, and our original leader went from "Lets do soap themed heists" to "THIS IS BUT A STEPPING SOAPSTONE TO WORLD DOMINATION!"

However, the guys asked me to rejoin the gang as it's leader. Which I guess makes me the.... fourth Soap Swindler? Yeah, there was a lesser known Soap Swindler before the one everybody knows. Go figure.

I'll be returning this gang to its roots of ridiculous, soap-themed heists so look forward to it. Unless you're a wealthy person with easily stolen valuables. In which case I'd buy insurance, cause your soap is about to get swindled.... well, actually your valuables are.

I'll work on the catchphrase.

I've got some time while I wait for the police to cut power to the building and run right into the traps I've prepared. Well, traps the boss prepared. Tragic really. I thought things would be back to the good old days when I hid his MHD meds (I think it stands for Malovent Hype Conduct Disorder or something like that).

But he kept having these moments of doubt where he suddenly didn't want to be the Soap Swinder anymore. Maybe it was for the best that stepped on that soap that I didn't intentionally leave in his path, fell down the stairs, and accidentally bonked his head on my crowbar multiple times.

But enough about the past! Soon everyone will know the name of John Itor, the third Soap Swindler!

(A Gus The Goon post. Possibly the last one for a while)

I have two left feet, but I really don't want to lose this job. Dr P pays really, really well. And none of the other freak gangs want to touch us after seeing what he did to the other crime bosses.

I'm worried I'm gonna embarrass everyone at the club though. Should I start taking private dance lessons to help me catch up to the other guys?

(OOC: Pretend this post has accidentally been posted on an RP subreddit for the TV show)

Asked my friend if there was a subreddit for hunting monsters (don't want a repeat of the r/monsterhunter incident), and he directed me to this one.

I was in New York, after hearing rumors of people clad in red hopping across rooftops at night. Besides Spider-Man,

Sounded to me like a freaky demon worshiping cult. Or vampires. Or vampires in a freaky demon worshiping cult.

As I was walking down the street I suddenly found myself on the other side of the street. Seems something took control of me for a bit. Perhaps the demon cult trying to intimidate me?

I won't be intimidated. The cult's days are numbered.

I keep seeing "they're just a bunch of guys who can shoot good" as a critique, ignoring one very obvious exception: Ghost can turn invisible and intangible. You know how good of a power that is? Imagine someone tries to punch you and can't do shit to you.

Sure, they've got two discount caps on the team and also Bucky, who is on Cap's level probably.

But they aren't completely useless, and they could always add more members in the future. The Avengers didn't stay with the original roster.

Plus, they took down a pretty powerful villain. That shadow guy was no joke.

Also, Falcon is making his own team, and I'm sure the two will join together at one point.

(OOC: This is meant to be a reddit ad, so OOC comments only. Also, this is all dark jokes about a twist in the new Spider-Man. Spoilers are there for a reason.)

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A former friend of mine that's a diehard Spider-Man hater has been using the Spider-Tracker to basically stalk Spider-Man to find anything he can bullshit into proof Spider-Man killed Mysterio.

I'm worried someone more dangerous might try to use it to hunt down Spider-Man or try to find his identity.

And he's not the only hero people have been tracking with the app. There have been other apps made to track super heroes. All of these things seem like they'd enable stalkers.

I know the guy that made the app probably doesn't have any ill will towards Spidey. But a lot of bad people do.

I was at Sam's Sandwich Shack when the shadow hit. I opened a portal to one of the Safe places. And I didn't close the portal fast enough cause I couldn't bring myself to let that last person get swallowed.

I'm sorry to the people at the safe place that got hit before my portal slammed shut.

I tried to play hero, and just resulted in people who would have been fine getting hit too.

Luckily for me, the real heroes saved the day like they always do.

If I get my sling ring taken away after this, I'll understand.

(OOC: pretend the spoilers aren't in the image. It basically accusing Spider-Man of things the villain of BND did)

What do you do when your delusions are confronted with reality? Double down on the conspiracy theories.

Seems like they still think they account for the majority of New Yorkers.

(OOC: Spoilers aren't there in universe. Not my normal character))

The only explanation is that Spider-Man has gained mind control powers! It explains how he got t>!hat old lady to attack that prison with a tank, got those guys to release Scorpion, got the Hulk to attack the people at Damage Control!<, and convinced my friend that he isn't an android built by Tony Stark.

But I don't think it's like he has psychic powers. Cause he's an android and androids don't have brains. And you need a brain to have psychic powers.

No, my much more logical explanation is that the conspiracy that covered up Mysterio's demise is putting stuff in the vaccines that makes you like Spider-Man. I'm unaffected cause I'm one of the pure bloods.

I may be feverish, covered in lumps and occasionally hallucinating, but at least I'm not being forced to like that MENACE!

I had an MHD relapse, and I built some kind of superweapon that may or may not work, and the police are outside, and I think I just saw the shadow of a bat on the roof and I really hope it's Batman and not Man Bat.

Please someone get me my meds before I do something worse. I don't want to go to Arkam again.

How dare they lock me up in that place?! To protect the image of that showrunner! He deserved what I did to him after he replaced my medication with sugar pills!

THEY ALL DESERVE IT! FATE HAS BROUGHT ME BACK TO GOTHAM TO EXACT VENGEANCE ON THIS MISERABLE TOWN! THE CLEANSING SHALL COMMENCE!

(OOC: not a Gus the Guard post)

Soon my deadly SOAP SHOOTER will scrub Gotham off of the map! Not even Batman will be able to stop me!

I was once Almaz Sukhrab, a humble actor playing the lead in the soap opera "Days of Our Shadows". I'd explain the horrible and tragic events that lead me to soap-themed supervillainy, but my SOAP SHOOTAH will fire at its first target in an hour. No time for a multi-part story.

COWER WHILE YOU CAN GOTHAM! YOUR SINS WILL SOON BE CLEANSED!

Some new guy calling himself the Soap Swindler made off with all of it while I was in the hospital.

I hope the Swindler is one of those "Plan whacky heists with weird gimmicks" kind of villains and not one of those "They laughed at me once, but now they'll all pay!" types.

At least this shit didn't happen while I was on the job.

Lets say the Death Eaters in this scenario have control of the Ministry, have the Elder Wand, and all the horocruxes.

Their plan is to take control of world leaders like they did with the Minster of Magic and get them to start a nuclear war. They do not care if wizard communities are harmed by the resulting fallout.

Could they actually manage it?

Since my last post here about my uncle being in the hospital after cardiac arrest, I've gotten a bunch of attention from Three Colon wannabes claiming my uncle is a "bad man" and that he deserved what happened to him. Trying to get me to grill him for information about Two-Face that he doesn't have. Saying he should be brought to justice for "assault" because he defended himself from a bunch of idiots who tried to jump him in a parking lot.

Get a life. You guys aren't super heroes. Or even regular heroes. You're a gang that robs people and justifies it saying "Oh, look, I took down Darkseid! He was wearing a helmet! Must have been Darkseid!"

You're just greedy little shits who've been fed up with Gotham and decided to make it worse to line your own pockets.

Also, The Three Koalas got their asses kicked by Condiment King. Why are these rich idiots worth copying?

So I recently went to the hospital for a heart attack, brought on from overexertion while putting some wannabe-vigilantes in their place. My sister, and her two daughters came down to Gotham to visit me.

My eldest niece excitedly tells me about some new, baseball-themed vigilante has been going around beating up Three-Comas wannabes with a baseball bat. She seemed to think I'd be happy to hear about that, but honestly who can keep track of all the vigilantes in this town anymore?

I kind of bluntly told her not to get too attached to any new "super heroes" in Gotham till they survive a year. She got upset, telling me that the "Bitter Batter" is just trying to make this city a better place. I point out Gotham has one of the best super hero teams around looking after it, and that pointed out that the Bitter Batter was the worst super hero name I'd ever heard.

Not sure why, but that last part really upset her. I realized then that I'd missed something obvious: my niece clearly has some kind of crush on this new vigilante.

I didn't mean to badmouth her crush in front of her. But I don't want her going and emulating someone that is very likely to be dead by the end of the year.

So the sky opened up and a horde of aliens popped out. Killer robots tried to lift a city into the air and smash it into the earth. Blue goo almost consumed the planet. Half of every living thing is just fucking gone cause a purple guy that looks like he came out of my wife's drawer snapped while wearing a magic glove.

I had this thought. And it was an upsetting thought, so I got high like I usually do when I think about things that upset me like my life before 2012 or how our ecosystem is basically doomed or the M&Ms mascots. The drugs just made it worse, so now I'm inflicting it on you.

The thought was this: how many things have I considered bullshit over the years that are actually true?

I thought that ancient alien theory was just racism with a scifi twist, but apparently at least one ancient deity was actually an alien?

Same about reptilians. I don't think the crazy old anti-semite that came up with Reptilian theory was right per say. But shapeshifting aliens being hidden among us seems frighteningly possible since we've survived at least two alien invasions.

It's not just conspiracy theories.

My grandma used to talk about demons like they were hiding everywhere around every corner waiting to get me. Are they? Is that why bad shit keeps happening to me?

What is even real anymore?

Can't believe there aren't more Xemnu fans on here. You know he saved my life once when I fell off a building? I'm lucky he happened to be swinging by on his webshooters at the time or I'd have been a smear on the pavement.

I think it was a few weeks after he nobly sacrificed himself to defeat Thanos.

I've been a fan of his since I saw that footage where he called Loki a puny god and then started slamming him into the ground repeatedly.

I actually met him again when he was teaching magic at Kamar Taj. Really nice guy, great teacher.

Weird he isn't more popular. Don't you guys remember Xemnu?

https://preview.redd.it/kjjn4jtfvfah1.png?width=431&format=png&auto=webp&s=cbca9f46b8070681416bf8d2fec1bd981dbf3a34