u/Glittering-Sorbet559

Hi, I'm now in my 30's and it's been six month of being sober. For the past 20 years I have been an alcoholic substance abuser (never approached mental health professionals). It happened on a regular basis, every night. To escape reality I reinforced my vice with pornography and listening to music and browsing social media (Facebook) looking to feed my fantasies.

My fantasies are woven with stories of how great I am with skills, abilities and knowledge and that people are in awe of what I can do. This kind of escape had developed since I was in my early elementary days.

I did fought my insecurities and fantasies but I knew I needed to retreat with it at the end of the day because I am still lacking mature ways on how to manage and cope. This would go on for hours.

Now, thank God I was able to stop atleast one vice that kept be chained-alcohol. Peeking on social media and Youtube does still trigger these self-centeredness but I am still on the process of lessening my time on Facebook and Youtube. Even my cravings into pornography, it IS a challenge to cut-off from it!

Whenever I see people happy, successful, got acknowledged because of their talents and skills, these insecurities kept visiting me in my head. I would often introject and ''claim'' their reality with that of mine (sa aking sariling mundo). However, having realized that I am ''just me'' and the fantasies subside, this is were those angry thoughts about myself and the ''world'' start speaking.

It's a tough battle for now but what kept me going is prayer, virtual and handwritten journaling. This is my attempt to process my thoughts and feelings one-step-at-a-time. There are times na I REALLY have to avoid celebrations not to be overwhelemed with the pleasure people feel whilst I envy them because I am lacking what they are feeling. I am thankful din kase nakikita ko na meron nang ''gap'' sa aking thoughts and feelings apart from my actions. For example, during rush hour at work whenever I made a mistake or made a customer upset, bigla nalang ma-percieve ko na ''they are going to punish me'', ''they are going to do something bad to me'', or ''they are the ones who are clumsy-NOT I!''. This kind of experience is a general nightmare for me but atleast I am able to remain calm kahit na naguguluhan na ang aking nararamdaman at pang-kaisipan.

With a little bit of concern (although I know that bawal tayo mag-diagnose) I think I might be prone to narcissism and having this thought scares the hell out of me!

I am still on the process of trying to understand myself and hopefully I would be able to have a genuine sense of wellbeing and joy not only to myself but also with the people who are grateful with their life.

Hi, I'm now in my 30's and it's been six month of being sober. For the past 20 years I have been an alcoholic substance abuser (never approached mental health professionals). It happened on a regular basis, every night. To escape reality I reinforced my vice with pornography and listening to music and browsing social media (Facebook) looking to feed my fantasies.

My fantasies are woven with stories of how great I am with skills, abilities and knowledge and that people are in awe of what I can do. This kind of escape had developed since I was in my early elementary days.

I did fought my insecurities and fantasies but I knew I needed to retreat with it at the end of the day because I am still lacking mature ways on how to manage and cope. This would go on for hours.

Now, thank God I was able to stop atleast one vice that kept be chained-alcohol. Peeking on social media and Youtube does still trigger these self-centeredness but I am still on the process of lessening my time on Facebook and Youtube. Even my cravings into pornography, it IS a challenge to cut-off from it!

Whenever I see people happy, successful, got acknowledged because of their talents and skills, these insecurities kept visiting me in my head. I would often introject and ''claim'' their reality with that of mine (sa aking sariling mundo). However, having realized that I am ''just me'' and the fantasies subside, this is were those angry thoughts about myself and the ''world'' start speaking.

It's a tough battle for now but what kept me going is prayer, virtual and handwritten journaling. This is my attempt to process my thoughts and feelings one-step-at-a-time. There are times na I REALLY have to avoid celebrations not to be overwhelemed with the pleasure people feel whilst I envy them because I am lacking what they are feeling. I am thankful din kase nakikita ko na meron nang ''gap'' sa aking thoughts and feelings apart from my actions. For example, during rush hour at work whenever I made a mistake or made a customer upset, bigla nalang ma-percieve ko na ''they are going to punish me'', ''they are going to do something bad to me'', or ''they are the ones who are clumsy-NOT I!''. This kind of experience is a general nightmare for me but atleast I am able to remain calm kahit na naguguluhan na ang aking nararamdaman at pang-kaisipan.

With a little bit of concern (although I know that bawal tayo mag-diagnose) I think I might be prone to narcissism and having this thought scares the hell out of me!

I am still on the process of trying to understand myself and hopefully I would be able to have a genuine sense of wellbeing and joy not only to myself but also with the people who are grateful with their life.