When you don't have a partner or even a crush, do you imagine a future person?
Immerse yourself in the story?
Moment of directionless longing and move on?
Books and manga count too, wherever you get your drama and romance
Hi there! A couple in my church is getting married this afternoon. I want to wear something I haven't worn to church before (I usually wear flowy floral blouses and black skirts). So I went out and bought a few dresses that suit my kinda odd body shape (very short, short torso, pear-shaped)
Which dress of these three options is the best for the afternoon wedding? The vibe is laid back but I want to show I consider the event special and be within expected dress code. I don't know the couple well but I'm going to represent my entire family (all retired adults) and bearing the family gift.
PS
Please forgive my messy closet shelves.
Edit: You guys rock. Overwhelming votes for the first dress which I love but was a little shy about not choosing a looser fit around the torso.
Love you guys, thank you so much!
My ex kept me locked in the house for over a decade. When we did leave, he was right next to me. If I ever was any distance from him, there would be hell to pay and I was "trying to cheat".
He promised terrible things would happen to me if I was ever alone in the world.
He would make me drive and then scream at me in the car. And eventually he wouldn't let me renew my driver's license.
I escaped. I'm rebuilding. And I leave the house for some small thing every day because.... it's practice. Not being afraid of the world. Not being afraid he'll find me and drag me back.
It's freedom just to go. Without asking. Without being monitored and controlled. To do whatever I want just because I can. Little things. Buy a small item. Get lunch. Go to the gym. Just drive to the park for a a little bit and walk around.
It's practice for existing like a normal adult. Talking to store clerks. Being friendly with people I pass by. Buying little things without permission. Going to the gym just for my own personal goals, by myself.
But I still sometimes spend an extra hour each day building myself up to leave the house. And I feel so much better after - but still have a list of justifications and defenses for why I went out in my head. No one asks, which is also lovely but disconcerting.
I just wanted to say this somewhere. I hope this resonates with those of you out there also spreading your wings, revelling in your freedom. It's a challenge, but one I gladly tackle each day. Except some rainy days when I curl up with my cat and stay home - because we're free to do that, too.
Hi fellow potatoes. First time sharing and sorry this is so long. Just hoping I can maybe get some clarity on what the heck happened with this "Whirlwind bestfriendship" that just happened to me.
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After the end of a long and very bad relationship, I (34 F) found myself in a women's shelter.
I managed to escape that relationship by slipping out the back door while my dangerous ex was in the shower, jumping fences, hiding in a carport, and then asking for police assistance at the nearest late-night business.
I was scared, hurt, traumatized, but also feeling pretty darn empowered. It was my first time alone in a long time. My ex had done everything he could to keep me isolated, up to and including sending nasty letters to my family claiming that I hated and never wanted to see them again.
But I was finally my own woman. And I was ready to tackle my fresh start.
The overnight staff member was kind. She did my intake, gave me a pamphlet and a stack of blankets, and showed me to a bunk bed.
Context: Dormitory rooms in this shelter were big shared rooms separated by 3.5 wall cubbies for some privacy. Inside each cubby was a bunk bed and a little rug. The ceilings were like 8 feet high and the cubby walls went up like 6 feet. So that top-bunkers had a little shelf but less privacy.
I didn't have a bunk-mate so I just wrapped myself in blankets and passed out on the bottom bunk.
Later that day I met my first real friend, let's call her Kira (44 F). Kira was small and nervous like me, and kind. We were both about 5 feet tall and slender. She asked if I had any luggage or a change of clothes and I said no. I came only in what I was wearing.
She told me how to put in a clothing requisition. But she also straight up gave me a stack of spare clothes from her car so I could take my first shower and change. Bless her, I will always love her for that.
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I got in touch with my mom and we made arrangements. I would stay at the women's shelter for 2 months or so, while we reconnected through phonecalls made travel plans. I would be home in time for Christmas to the delight of my dear sweet grandmother.
Over this time, I made several good friends, Kira the top among them. We had coffee in the mornings together (we were both really early risers) and ate meals together. She had wicked anxiety and liked to have a buddy for her doctors appointments, so I would tag along. In return she'd take me to the store since I didn't have a car and had never navigated the city bus system.
I got food stamps and basic insurance, and she'd lend me cash so I could buy non-food essentials. Like toiletries and a few more sets of clothes from local thrift stores. She was a truly giving person and took care of me. I would pay her back in food - but had to insist. She was kind and I considered her both my "shelter mom" and my new best friend.
Kira was amazing. She even took me to my own doctor's appointments outside of just catching rides in her routine. She comforted me when I was sad. Talked about our toxic ex's together when I needed to process. Offered me extra snacks from the vending machine.
When beds were moved, we became bunk-mates and honestly got along great even sharing that small cubby space. She even helped me reclaim my cat from the animal foundation after my ex was evicted. I love this girl.
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Kira's Situation
Now, everyone in this place has a story. You don't wind up in a women's shelter without a reason your life has gotten to this point.
The other thing is that you don't really know anything about anyone. Just what they choose to tell you. Some women never mention their situation. Some make up wild stories and it's a different story each time they tell it - and everything in between.
My friend Kira's ex husband was a psycho and, according to both her stories and some police reports she showed me, he was harmful to her in an astounding range of ways. He had his kids (her step kids) torment her. He kept her medication away from her. He was taking her disability check. And there's a good chance - but unproven - that he was poisoning her. Since she was deathly sick before the divorce and got quickly better after she left. And he was making all her food.
She was also pretty sure he was intensely stalking her after she left. He was in tech, like serious tech, and was cyber-stalking her. The names and details on her accounts would be changed. Her insurance and bank cards would get canceled. Her phones would get hacked or stop working.
At the same time, she thought she was being targeted by a harassment gang with tactics known as "gang stalking". She was certain that fleets of cars followed her around. That people walking by the street or loitering outside were assigned to watch her. That they'd follow her through stores.
I can't say how much of that was true. But from what I saw spending those couple months with her, there was a solid mix of truth and justified paranoia so it was hard to tell where the real creepy ex-stalking ended and the paranoia began.
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A couple months go by and I'm finally ready to go home. Back to my family that I heaven't seen in years. I give a big hug goodbye to Kira and our other friends at the women's shelter and promise to keep in touch.
Here's where it gets strange.
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Kira doesn't respond to my texts as I'm on the road back to my family. Keep in mind, I know her better than my relatives at this moment because it's been years since I saw them and my ex intentionally created distance. I'm scared. I need my friend. She's not there.
I do get support from 2-3 other shelter friends, but Kira is radio silence.
I don't hear from her for a few days, and then a week has gone by. She finally calls and says she's been having a "pity party" and was sad I was gone which was why she didn't respond for a week.
Okay. I've only known her a couple months. Maybe this is how she response to goodbyes. So I let it go, we start talking on the phone nearly every night and texting back and forth during the day. Back to being friends again.
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A month goes by and she suddenly announces she's going to move out to my state. That she's gotta get out of the shelter because the stalking is really bad and the staff is against her. She doesn't care where she lands but it would be cool if we were close by.
I say Okay, but let's do this the smart way. With careful planning. Let's make sure you have a place to land and all that. She says no.
She wants to sneak out without telling anyone and just disappear, and then land here, get a hotel, and then find a place to live. I know this is stupid but I can't talk her out of it. Also her standards are nuts. She wants a place that is
a. super cheap, less than half her disability check (which isn't a lot)
b. really safe, in a good neighborhood
c. ideally a private house or tiny home.
d. available to rent immediately after she arrives so she doesn't spend all her meager savings on a hotel room.
And you know that old saying that of fast, good, or cheap you can have 2? It's like that. Plus she's not super organized. AND she's bringing one of our most chaotic other friends from the shelter - "Marley". Fun girl, but not a stabilizing person. And I know Marley and Kira don't really get along.
But whatever, I can't change their minds.
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The Road Trip
So Kira and Marley jump in the car and drive across three states. Fighting the whole way. Calling me while they fight.
They book a hotel room together and are still fighting. And by that point they've been on a 4-day road trip and are driving each other up the wall.
I catch a ride over (I don't have a car yet) and stay with them in the hotel for two days to coordinate finding an apartment for Kira. Marley has family nearby but she hasn't talked to them in years and she's scared. So still hanging around - and being chaos while we encourage her.
I show them how it's done. Phonecalls in the morning, driving to tour apartments in the afternoon. In one full day of work I actually manage to find Kira an upstairs apartment (no stomping neighbors) in a college town (cheap small places in abundance) with a landlord team that will accept her strange situation and low income because they're used to renting to students.
Marley goes off to find her family, Kira moves into her apartment. And honestly, just finding the place - clean and upstairs and within her budget - is a goddamn miracle.
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Over the next two months Kira and I are still best friends. Though Kira swears she'll never speak to Marley ever again, and that's fine.
Kira and I take turns sleeping over, my place and hers. We're exploring the local thrift stores to stock her apartment with cool dishes and stuff. We're doing crafts (she crochets, I paint) watching crime shows until we fall asleep. It's a vibe I rarely get with other people.
I take her to my family's church. We make plans to open an etsy store. I truly cherish her friendship. We call each other best friends and want to stay friends for a long time.
Good, right?
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The Mystery Week
During this time, I'm talking to Marley and "Alice", another very calm friend who's still at the shelter. BOTH of them choose this moment to tell me that during that week where Kira wasn't talking to me - right after I left the shelter - that she'd been bad-mouthing me the whole time.
Telling everyone and their dog that I was a liar, a terrible friend, no good fake about everything. Oh, and that I'd been giving male staff members BJs in the kitchen. Which is what really hurts because she knows I'm so traumatized from my ex that the idea of men thinking of me sexually gives me panic attacks.
And these two friends - Marley and Alice - are so different that it's not just one person's view. It's triangulation.
I decide to talk to Kira about it. As a friend.
I've just gotten out of a bad relationship that had a LOT of gas lighting. So I've promised myself I'm just going to keep everything out in the open and if I have a question about someone - I'll just ask. I'm prepared to be totally understanding. Maybe she was sad. Maybe she got shit-faced drunk and railed about losing her best friend by saying terrible things. Maybe she's bi-polar and had an episode. Heck, I don't know... but I could have been cool with it.
I tell her I'm not starting a fight, I want to be friends no matter her answer, but I need to talk about it.
She doesn't even let me finish asking. Cries. Says I should know her better than to even ask. (I've known her a total of about 4 months now).
She says we're best friends and how could I even ask her.
I say I just want to go down the list of things that were mentioned and hear her say she didn't say them.
She won't. She just guilt-trips me about trust. I tell her I straight up don't trust easy and I need to talk it out. She won't. Just won't. But honestly I like her so much as a friend I decide to let it go for now.
Alice has since pointed out this is one of my flaws, and I should take better care of myself. That letting things go was one of the reasons I stayed with my a***sive ex for any length of time. She's probably right.
But anyway, Kira and I go back to talking, and it seems like everything's okay for another week. Still having nightly calls. Referencing the trust issues like she's accepted this as part of who I am and is ready to be OK with it.
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And then she drops contact. Stops answering texts. Stops answering calls. Doesn't come over - and I can't get to her until I get a car - which I'm working on but hadn't happened yet.
About three more weeks go by and I hear nothing from Kira. I'm still in touch with Marley and Alice and they haven't heard from her either. I even call her rental office and they say she was in recently to pay rent in person.
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So I finally get a car and the first thing I do - because I'm a concerned friend - is drive out the 90 minutes to see Kira.
I know where because I got her this apartment. I helped her move in. I get there and she's not home. But I know she's a home-body so I sit and wait on the porch. Within 20 minutes she arrives from taking her tiny emotional support dog to the park. She greets me, we hug, I stay the night.
She's reset her phone to protect from the cyber stalkers and has made a new gmail, so the old one for her doesn't work and she never reached out from the new one - so I don't have it.
She says "I don't know why I can't reach out"
I show her my contact on her phone and where my number's been blocked. I unblock myself. Supposedly it's the phone hacking cyber stalkers. Or maybe I'm stupid and she's just a great liar who blocked me. I don't know.
I make her a sheet covered in aluminum foil because she thinks the stalkers have moved into every apartment around her and are projecting pain-beams into her bedroom through the walls and floor.
Whatever. Who am I to tell her what's true? (she doesn't listen when people try anyway) so I make her the tinfoil sheet for her peace of mind. Because even if she is having a paranoia episode as a result of a stressful move, I want her to feel safe. So as I do this, we talk about our exes and have a real heart-to-heart.
I also make sure she has my phone number, email, discord, and reddit accounts written down on paper so no matter how many times she gets hacked from her cyber stalkers, we can keep in touch. I make sure discord and reddit are installed on her phone, she has accounts, and knows how to make new ones after a reset. And we make plans to send weekly letters as an ultimate safety net.
I'm doing everything a friend who believes her stalking situation might do to keep in touch without pretending like I know how to stop the stalking - in case it's real. Because who the F knows, right? And if a friend says they're in danger and a few simple steps can overcome specific problems, why not?
I go home on Sunday. On Monday, I write the first letter and mail it to her. Just as the test-flight.
And I never hear from her again.
So no phone, no email no reddit, no discord messages.
No letter.
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Next Monday, I send a letter. Same for the next 3 Mondays. Each letter says something like "Hi, keeping my promise. Please write back, or just come to see me, you know where I am."
So another month goes by with nothing. My last letter says "Hey, I'm coming to see you next Monday."
And I do. I drive the 90 minutes out to see her. And to be fair, I'm ready for this to be a friend breakup. I'm ready to be kind. I just want to say "goodbye for now, maybe we'll be friends again in the future".
I bring two white mocha lattes. I knock a musical rhythm so she isn't scared of hammering on her door (no doorbell). I call out so she knows it's me. For 20 minutes.
Nothing.
Her dog is now barking inside, responding to the knocking, so she can't be asleep. She's a heavy sleeper but she can't sleep through the dog barking. I know her that well.
She knows I'm there. She can hear me. But she won't answer the door. And I don't force my friendship on people.
So I tape the goodbye letter I'd pre-written on her door. And then I take out my little purse notebook - the one I use for grocery lists, and write another little goodbye letter. And I tape it over the handle of the driver's door of her car.
My notes are kind. Understanding. A little sad. I say "goodbye, maybe later."
But by the time I'm halfway through my 90 minute drive home, I'm mad. Betrayed. Grieving a friendship that had gotten me through one of the worst times in my life. And so freaking confused.
What the hell happened?