I’ve never been entirely sure. Thanks.
Edit: thanks all. I can keep referring to this post to help me keep my cool.
For many years I (M44) was ambitious but also impatient. I was also deeply insecure but tried to mask this by trying to anticipate what people think and then people pleasing in search of their acceptance. I am always socially anxious, scared of judgment and convinced that no one really likes me.
I started having panic attacks when I was 19 and this turned into an anxiety disorder. I was also severely depressed for a space of time. I tried to get by as best I could using self help because I couldn’t afford professional support and I was scared to tell the doctor everything that I was thinking.
After a few years and trying many different jobs and courses in my 20’s, I eventually found a good enough job with good opportunities and I progressed at this company with some promotions. However I always felt like I was winging it and wondered when the crash would come. I seemed to keep getting away with it and doing well at work so I thought that maybe I’ll be ok.
By the time I was 38 I was being paid quite good money, my job seemed relatively stable, I had been married for a few years, I had 2 children, I wanted my daughter to have a bigger bedroom so we bought a bigger house. I was scared to take on the extra financial responsibility but things had been going ok enough with my mental health so I thought “be brave and do it anyway” i.e. don‘t let anxiety dictate your life like you always do.
I continued to earn more money, we got a cleaner, bought the children some nicer clothes, got a newer (not brand new) car, put more money into the pension, went on some better holidays, even went on some skiing holidays like I‘d always wanted to.
But still, the anxiety and the churning in my stomach and the insecurity and the exhausting hypervigilance and people pleasing was always there. Its so instantly automatic I could never seem to switch it off. It was like an incredibly frustrating puzzle I couldn’t figure out.
Then Covid happened and suddenly I could work from home. For me it was a relief. I hated going into the office feeling like so many eyes were on me all the time and putting in extra effort to please. I was so sick and tired of it. I finally had more time for some self care.
But this time the self care practices that I’d used in the past weren’t working. I panicked and spiralled into another severe depression. This time I paid for some professional help but even that wasn’t working. I didn’t really know how to ”do” therapy.
After going through a few different therapists over a couple of years I started to make some breakthroughs. I have now been with my current therapist for nearly 3 years (all paid for through the company health insurance now) and I started to improve my social anxiety, join a club and start to make some actual friends amd improve my relationship with my wife and children.
However, I was mapped into a role at work that I did not like but instead of trying to change the role, because I was going through therapy, I wondered if there’s something I can do better. But I now realise, really, I had just let my performance slip. My manager did not clearly and seriously tell me how bad my performance had become in 121’s or via emails or discussed any specific targeted support. I was given one bad performance review for the first time ever and immediately put on a plan and tentatively offered some money to exit.
I’ve seen the plan and, while it might be achievable, I absolutely detest the work and the way this process has moved so quickly and the leadership team. I don’t trust the people there anymore like I used to. I should have asked for formal support sooner and been looking for another role but I was just so tired and it didn’t seem that serious so I focused on working on myself instead. A massive massive mistake. Now I’ll lose the job, the security and the access to therapy.
I’ve also given my wife and children a life that I can no longer support. I don’t have the energy for it. I want to do something different. I want to feel good about my work again but I don’t want to be obsessed with it like I used to be. I‘m desperate for some balance in my life somehow. We‘ll probably have to reduce the size of the house and move and all the stress that comes with it to achieve that though.
I thought that I could give my family the nice middle class life that we see on TV but I can’t. It clearly costs me too much mentally. I’m not made to be a steady middle class dad and husband and I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry I let you think I could be. I’ve let you down so much I know I have. Deep down, I always knew I didn’t like it really. It didn’t have to be this way and I’m so sorry for failing you so badly. I hope we can come back from this and everything will be ok but right now I just don’t know.
However if I don’t secure an internal role will that reduce my negotiating position if it does come down to having to take the exit by mutual agreement offer?
I’ve been working at this company for a good few years and had a few promotions and worked for some good teams with good people. However for the first time in my whole working life, for the last year I have been working in a role I don’t like in a team I don’t feel like I fit into. I’m underperforming and it’s burning me out.
I’ve worked in other teams in the same company without problem and performed well (sometimes exceptionally) and I thought I could get through it but this time I’m not sure my brain/body want to.
My manager intimated to me today that if I’m not happy with the direction the company is going in and I’m unhappy then I can leave with a payoff of some kind.
The thing is I can’t believe I would be unhappy in all areas of this company and I’m just doing the wrong role in the wrong team. Then again, it seems to be a bit of shit show in other teams too from what I can gather.
I’ve never been in this position before. I can’t figure out what to do - take the money, run and start over somewhere else (but that might involve a pay cut for all I know) or just try and move to a different role/team. Interested to know other people’s thoughts/experiences.
I have a somewhat technical role somewhere in the middle of the corporate hierarchy. I’ve always prioritised my work based on business value. However, so often I see people producing work for the sake of showing off about it and visibility but usually it goes nowhere and our product roadmaps are basically prioritised by senior leadership which means we spend a lot of time doing stuff rather than delivering anything good that either saves or makes money. What am I missing here? Am I just not made for corporate? I refuse to do work for the sake of justifying my existence - I want to be part of a system that produces good products!