u/Glum_Task4045

I’m 43, gay, poly-married, and only relatively recently have I started identifying somewhere on the asexual spectrum.

Looking back, I can see a pattern that goes pretty far back into my dating life.

I would meet a guy, be attracted to him, get excited about the relationship, and things would feel pretty normal sexually at first. But after a few months, my interest in sex would start disappearing. Not my interest in him. I still wanted affection, closeness, cuddling, companionship, intimacy, and to feel emotionally connected. But sex itself would start feeling like something I was supposed to want rather than something I actually wanted.

And if I’m really looking back honestly, sex has pretty much always felt that way to me.

It was something I did for the other person.

I knew sex was something my partner wanted, and I understood that it was something people were “supposed” to do in a relationship, so I did it. But I can’t really say that I enjoyed it. It was more like I was fulfilling my part of the relationship — doing something for someone I cared about because it mattered to them.

For years, I don’t think it even occurred to me that this was unusual. Sex was just something you did when you were dating someone. So I did it.

But eventually it became harder and harder to keep doing something I didn’t actually want.

That created some really awkward and confusing moments with partners.

And instead of understanding what was happening, I learned to avoid.

Avoid situations where I thought sex might be expected. Avoid certain kinds of affection because I worried they would lead somewhere. Sometimes even avoid emotional closeness because I knew there might eventually be a sexual expectation attached to it.

Which was especially confusing because the affection and closeness were the things I actually did want.

I didn’t have language for any of this at the time.

When the exact same thing started happening with the guy who eventually became my husband, I realized I couldn’t keep ignoring it. I loved him. I was attracted to him. I wanted him in my life. So why was this happening again?

For a long time, the only explanation I had was that there was something wrong with me.

Therapy was eventually where I learned about asexuality, and then the much bigger spectrum that exists underneath that word.

That was important because I’m not someone who never experiences anything sexual.

I absolutely find men attractive. I can look at a guy and think he’s incredibly hot. I can sexualize someone. I can have fantasies and sexual desires. And every once in a while, under exactly the right circumstances when all the stars seem to align, I can genuinely want a sexual experience.

It’s just… rare. And inconsistent. Sex doesn’t seem to occupy the place in my brain that it appears to occupy for a lot of other gay men.

I’m just coming off a gay cruise, and this was actually the first time I’ve ever openly identified myself to people as ace.

For the most part, it was a surprisingly good experience.

People were curious. Some asked really thoughtful questions. A few people understood that what I was craving wasn’t necessarily sex at all — it was affection, connection, being held, being touched, feeling close to another man without there automatically being an expectation that it had to become sexual.

Those moments actually meant a lot to me.

At the same time, being in an environment where sexuality is such a huge part of gay culture made me very aware that I still don’t completely know where I fit.

I didn’t exactly feel rejected. I didn’t have some terrible experience.

I just felt… different.

So I think that’s why I’m posting.

I’d really like to hear from other gay ace, gray-ace, or ace-spectrum men.

Does any of this resonate with you?

Especially the experience of being attracted to men, loving men, wanting intimacy and physical closeness, and even occasionally experiencing sexual desire — but having sex itself feel more like something you’re supposed to do for someone else than something you actually want?

Did you ever find yourself avoiding affection or situations because you were worried they would create a sexual expectation?

Did you ever mistake being willing to have sex with actually wanting sex?

And if you’re partnered or married, how have you learned to navigate that difference? My husband and I have poly relationships outside our marriage.

I think more than anything, I’d just like to know there are other gay men whose experience looks something like mine.

Thanks if you stuck with me :)