r/Greysexuality

TL:DR not sure where I fit but want to understand how I experience attraction, and find others with similar thoughts and feelings about it, because it's a bit lonely sometimes. Wondering about the influence of negative experiences on attraction also.

---

Not necessarily wanting a label right now but I feel uncertain and a bit isolated about sexuality, and have done for a long time.I've always felt a bit different to how many people describe their experience of sexuality/attraction.

Don't know if I just don't experience much attraction or if I experience it in a different way, or if it's partly a result of negative experiences. Or a combination. I tick the "don't know" or "don't want to say " box on demographics forms when they ask about orientation.

For example, I've never quite understood what people mean by "fancying" other people as an experience (not sure if this is mostly a British term). How do they know that's what they're experiencing?

I've had relationships which included sex previously and (I think) have some possible interest in/curiosity about a future relationship which could include it, in the right circumstances. Although those seem very unlikely! I don't think I'm totally "asexual".

I can notice people as being attractive (some in a "they're conventionally attractive but no" way, others in an "I admire their style/energy/interaction/I want to be them, or they're striking" way - can be same or other sex) but I don't see people and think "I want them" or about sex with them (is that really what some people do?). Am I just really repressed? My friend has crushes on actors, and I'm like "huh? I can see he's sort of pretty but I don't get the intensity".

I had a couple of boyfriends when younger (I'm 43, f). One was for two years in my late teens (the other was 2.5 months in my late 20s). The two year one was initially exciting, flattering, I suppose, to be wanted and be close to someone, to have someone to go places with, but eventually I didn't want him touching me and ended up kind of - repulsed? Repelled? Not sure if something happened to trigger that. I ended things but really the relationship continued for way too long - I liked his family and was scared I'd lose my friendship group, plus it was a long distance relationship for a chunk of time. And I was like 18/19 also.

I was single for most of my 20s - no kissing... nothing. I didn't understand my housemates going out and kissing people they met in clubs, bringing them home. How did they know they liked them?

Also had an unpleasant experience of a man I knew manipulating etc and I experienced what I've since realised likely amounted to sexual assault. Have talked to a professional about it previously. Still feels a bit gross, shameful and wtf.

A few men have been interested in me over the years, but they've not been appropriate or attractive to me and I felt a sort of, I dunno - Embarrassment? Fear? Much discomfort!

Sometimes I don't realise they're interested in *that* way and then I catch on and I'm like "oh no". I will generally try to avoid/deflect if I can.

I looked into online dating previously but I don't get it and don't really want to. I felt uncomfortable even just looking.

It's been about 14 years since my last relationship, I think.

I rarely think about sexual stuff, but occasionally my hormones presumably have a bit of a flux and I will have some interest in thinking about it, or aspects of it. Also sometimes I think about women too. Just to add to the general muddle of things. Not labelling that either.

Anyway, if anyone has experiences of attraction that are similar, or like you just don't "get it", I'd be interested to hear. I feel like how I experience these things is a bit different to the majority in some ways (is it?). I do also think there may be some fear influencing aspects of it. Also interested if I'm in the wrong subreddit entirely as would like ways of understanding it better.

I’m 43, gay, poly-married, and only relatively recently have I started identifying somewhere on the asexual spectrum.

Looking back, I can see a pattern that goes pretty far back into my dating life.

I would meet a guy, be attracted to him, get excited about the relationship, and things would feel pretty normal sexually at first. But after a few months, my interest in sex would start disappearing. Not my interest in him. I still wanted affection, closeness, cuddling, companionship, intimacy, and to feel emotionally connected. But sex itself would start feeling like something I was supposed to want rather than something I actually wanted.

And if I’m really looking back honestly, sex has pretty much always felt that way to me.

It was something I did for the other person.

I knew sex was something my partner wanted, and I understood that it was something people were “supposed” to do in a relationship, so I did it. But I can’t really say that I enjoyed it. It was more like I was fulfilling my part of the relationship — doing something for someone I cared about because it mattered to them.

For years, I don’t think it even occurred to me that this was unusual. Sex was just something you did when you were dating someone. So I did it.

But eventually it became harder and harder to keep doing something I didn’t actually want.

That created some really awkward and confusing moments with partners.

And instead of understanding what was happening, I learned to avoid.

Avoid situations where I thought sex might be expected. Avoid certain kinds of affection because I worried they would lead somewhere. Sometimes even avoid emotional closeness because I knew there might eventually be a sexual expectation attached to it.

Which was especially confusing because the affection and closeness were the things I actually did want.

I didn’t have language for any of this at the time.

When the exact same thing started happening with the guy who eventually became my husband, I realized I couldn’t keep ignoring it. I loved him. I was attracted to him. I wanted him in my life. So why was this happening again?

For a long time, the only explanation I had was that there was something wrong with me.

Therapy was eventually where I learned about asexuality, and then the much bigger spectrum that exists underneath that word.

That was important because I’m not someone who never experiences anything sexual.

I absolutely find men attractive. I can look at a guy and think he’s incredibly hot. I can sexualize someone. I can have fantasies and sexual desires. And every once in a while, under exactly the right circumstances when all the stars seem to align, I can genuinely want a sexual experience.

It’s just… rare. And inconsistent. Sex doesn’t seem to occupy the place in my brain that it appears to occupy for a lot of other gay men.

I’m just coming off a gay cruise, and this was actually the first time I’ve ever openly identified myself to people as ace.

For the most part, it was a surprisingly good experience.

People were curious. Some asked really thoughtful questions. A few people understood that what I was craving wasn’t necessarily sex at all — it was affection, connection, being held, being touched, feeling close to another man without there automatically being an expectation that it had to become sexual.

Those moments actually meant a lot to me.

At the same time, being in an environment where sexuality is such a huge part of gay culture made me very aware that I still don’t completely know where I fit.

I didn’t exactly feel rejected. I didn’t have some terrible experience.

I just felt… different.

So I think that’s why I’m posting.

I’d really like to hear from other gay ace, gray-ace, or ace-spectrum men.

Does any of this resonate with you?

Especially the experience of being attracted to men, loving men, wanting intimacy and physical closeness, and even occasionally experiencing sexual desire — but having sex itself feel more like something you’re supposed to do for someone else than something you actually want?

Did you ever find yourself avoiding affection or situations because you were worried they would create a sexual expectation?

Did you ever mistake being willing to have sex with actually wanting sex?

And if you’re partnered or married, how have you learned to navigate that difference? My husband and I have poly relationships outside our marriage.

I think more than anything, I’d just like to know there are other gay men whose experience looks something like mine.

Thanks if you stuck with me :)

Also! There's no flair option for sex-oscillating 😞

I know I can feel sexual and romantic attraction, and enjoy it. So I’m not content living as a single person for the rest of my life, and identifying as an asexual doesn’t feel accurate. But equally I feel attraction so infrequently that so far, luck has never been on my side for it to be reciprocated. I’m starting to think it will be an impossibility to ever find someone that I both like and they like me. If I were more heterosexual I think I would have more options. And if I were asexual I wouldn’t be as bothered wanting to meet a partner. So I feel caught in the middle. Does anyone else relate or have found a solution to this quandary?

Edit to add: I’m 40F. Old enough to feel my biological clock ticking, and to know I don’t want to spend the second half of my life alone.

Everytime i come across any nsfw stuff involving real people, i get this weird feeling of disgust, i feel so gross and off. But it's different when its fictional characters that are drawn or animated for some reason.

I don't get the same "off" feeling if i accidentally see nsfw of a fictional (drawn) character, but if i were to accidentally come across porn of a real person i feel shocked and grossed out.

I thought i was aegosexual at first, but that doesn't feel right, if it were possible i wouldn't mind having sex with any of the characters I'm attracted to, it's only "live-action" people I'm disgusted by.

Its the "style" that makes it different.

Sometimes I'm worried i have some sort of trauma i don't remember, because i even feel disgusted by my own body sometimes. I cannot masturbate without feeling a little gross afterwards, this feeling goes away a bit if I'm looking at fictional stuff while doing it, but it doesn't change a lot. I still feel disgusted by my genitals, it doesn't change much.

I don't really know what's wrong with me.

​

Hello, I'm hoping for some help here because I'm really struggling to talk to my gf about this... or literally anybody. I'm 21F and my trans gf is 21F too. We've been dating for 3 years, and we've been friends for over half of our lives. I dont understand my sexuality or whether or not I qualify as a form of asexual because no matter how many posts I read about asexuality being a spectrum, my brain refuses to let me even think I could asexual.

My gf and I have always had very regular sex for over 2 years, but something changed this year and now I genuinely feel nothing towards her in the sexual attraction aspect. Hell, after reading things here I dont even think ive ever felt sexually attracted to her. I can have CONSENTED sex with her and do other stuff, but idk I get little to no enjoyment out of it. Its gotten worse as the months have gone on, it used to be "eh I dont wanna have sex like ever even once a month is too much for me" to now its "I cant even masturbate, or even FATHOM the idea of sexual anything. Nowadays I hate sexual innuendos and degenerate posts/fan service stuff makes me feel actually sick. Im like repulsed by the idea of sex and sexual concepts in EVERYTHING.

And with the whole sexual attraction thing, I've never imagined what anybody or my gf looked like underneath her clothing. I dont see anything as sexual anymore, so nowadays if I even wear as much as skimpy clothing and my partner starts looking at me with those "yeah I wanna go down on you" eyes I feel disgusted with myself and never want to wear revealing clothing again. Not because im repulsed by the idea of my gf enjoying my outfit (even if its sexually), but because I know that now she will want to have sex with me and I regret wearing clothing that makes her look at me in a sexy way.

Am I in the right place making this post? I hope my post makes some form of sense. I've just been getting a lot of asexual stuff on my feed along all social media platforms and im starting to realize im basically copy paste of a lot of asexual experiences.

The thought of even thinking im asexual makes me sick because I know my girlfriend has a higher libido and loves sexual stuff. But im the complete opposite. 2 years ago I used to be a sex machine and would do it once or twice a day. Nowadays even the idea of touching myself EVEN BY MYSELF borderline disgusts me. Like randomly once every two months ill feel tingly and then do it with my gf if shes there but then the next few days I feel genuinely disgusting because my brain hates sex. Its like I can go through the motions of sex but I just dont care about it. Nowadays it feels like im just doing sexual stuff so im not deemed useless by my girlfriend (my gf would never say something like this but im devastated at the idea of crushing her heart by telling her im asexual or something). My brains just convinced im not asexual, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I am. I think I am also an unlucky person who has genital numbness from medications, and even after over a month of being off all my medications I still feel absolutely nothing down there. Its as if the sexual part of my brain got deleted and only a tiny amount comes back to "tolerate sex" once a month. Do i sound like im making sense? Sorry if everything is so jumbled and out of place, im not good with writing my feelings