r/Greysexuality

(This is a long ass post, just fyi)

I don’t experience sexual attraction like most allos, but I don’t have the same negative to neutral feelings about sex like a lot of aces. I’m realizing that I rarely feel sexual attraction to people, and the way some allos describe their attraction feels completely alien to me. However, I have a high libido (that might be related to my ADHD, I’m not entirely sure) and I desire a sexual relationship with partner very badly, although at the moment I’m not pursuing dating because I hate dating apps and find the whole process unappealing.

I still feel very confused as to how to name what I feel (this I know may be an ADHD thing, because I wasn’t able to clearly identify how anger felt until a year ago). I feel like the way I experience aesthetic attraction is so strong, it’s hard to describe. I feel moved, for lack of a better word, when I see a really beautiful person with features I deeply admire and appreciate. Sex and/or a relationship doesn’t cross my mind with this stranger, except for recently when I’m trying to determine if my attraction is sexual or not. And when I do, I’m either grossed out by the thought or I feel like I would if I was in a relationship with that person.

What trips me up is that I understand how people don’t feel sexual attraction but I don’t really understand how people do. There are a lot of aces explaining their lack of interest that I’m able to relate to and come to realize I experience as well, but I feel like the allo experience is really broad and vague? I don’t know how to describe it. I get not all allos are gonna bang every stranger on the street they find attractive, but I don’t get that “pull” they describe. I don’t get fantasizing about people you don’t know. I don’t get being attracted to someone uninterested in you.

I am kinda embarrassed to admit that for fictional, animated characters, I feel no confusion or ambiguity when it comes to attraction. It feels clear and uncomplicated. I don’t consider myself fictosexual because my interest aren’t solely in fictional characters.

I was with my ex for 11 years and I have no idea if I ever found him sexually attractive. He was beautiful, I loved him, and I really really wanted to be intimate with him, but I don’t know if that was because I found him attractive or because of my libido. I went through a period of low libido where I had no desire or interest due to depression and medication, but once I got a better handle on it, that went away.

This is doubly annoying because since we broke up, “my type” (which was already vague, I think my only type is long hair on men and short hair on women) is mainly people who resemble him. The last person I was in a situationship with was someone I didn’t find at all attractive but I did develop desire for after we got to know each other. Some people would use this to point to me being demi, but I didn’t develop the strong bond that is required to be demi.

Graysexual feels like it fits me the most, as I’m not fully demi and not fully cupio, but even then I don’t experience being “asexual until I’m not” like other grays and demis do. For me, sex would be important in a relationship because I want to feel close to and desired by my partner, but I don’t believe it’s the most important thing. When my ex stopped being intimate with me, I was shocked to see how many people said that was grounds for breaking up. I was more upset that he stopped cuddling and holding me, along with other problems in the relationship. I feel closer to being allo than being fully ace, as I never really felt the alienation some aces describe feeling. If grayallo was a term I’d just go with that. I don’t think it’s fair for me to call myself asexual when my lived experience don’t line up. I don’t want to dilute the meaning. I see enough people dismiss the asexual experience by saying “well aces can have sex, too” which is true, but it seems that when allos say it they’re minimizing and devaluing the aces who want nothing to do with sex, and I don’t want to do that. As a bisexual with a preference for men, I know how frustrating it can be for your identity to be dismissed. I am just genuinely trying to figure myself out.

TW: mention of sexting and nudes.

i'm ashamed even writing this but i really need to talk to someone about it, so please keep an open mind.

i've known i was in the ace spectrum for years, i identified as just asexual for most of that time, then i switched labels to greysexual and aego even though i wasn't really sure, but pretty recently i figured out i'm actually adexsexual

this is the definition if you don't know:

^(Adexsexual is an ace-spec microlabel that describes an individual who does not experience sexual attraction towards real or specific individuals and typically do not desire to engage in any partnered sexual activities in real life, but does experience arousal and/or sexual desire in response to sexual fantasies and/or sexual content such as porn or erotica, but only when one is not focusing on any other specific individuals. Focus is instead on oneself and the imagined sensations of the sexual act. The presence of real individuals in general or overly specific individuals in the imagination disrupts the imagination, resulting in a loss of sexual desire and/or arousal unless one dissociates and somehow manages to ignore the presence of the real individual.)

this label actually feels like me. but the thing is... i have been sexting and sending pics with some women (in a context where we're anonymous ofc) and i actually enjoy it, i do always tell them to not send me pics of their own though, i just tell them it's a preference. but it's really because honestly i don't want to see them because it makes me uncomfortable and sucks the sexual desire out of me since SEEING them doesn't sexually arouse me, it's the fantasy of what we text to each other and the being desired that i like.

i've never heard of another person in the ace spectrum having a similar experience and i feel invalid in my identity, like i don't deserve to say that i'm in the asexual spectrum for engaging in these activies, plus i feel really guilty in general for sharing pics of myself. it's like i feel too "allo" for being asexual and too ace for being allo. it feels like a curse.

i know this isn't that relevant to this subreddit, but i really needed to get this out and have a bit of support. thank you for reading.

Hi, everyone!

Recently, I have been trying to figure out where I fall on the Asexual spectrum and I'd love to hear your opinions, label suggestions, and experiences.

In my teenage years and early adulthood, I was very sex-positive. I know, however, and I knew it then, that it was caused by thinking being very open to sex and sexually active would be liberating and make me feel all cool. That had worked for a while, until I felt satisfied with the number of sexual partners I'd had, and the whole thing lost its appeal. Since sex has never been very physically enjoyable for me, there was suddenly nothing to make me desire it again. It took me a while to come to terms with that, and some experiences with having sex out of the sense of obligation tipped my scale from indifferent to averse.

The issue is, I am still unsure whether I have ever felt sexual attraction, since there were times I did desire sex. I know that's not the same thing, but I am not sure how to reliably separate that.

Another thing I'm unsure about is the fact that I do have a libido and enjoy masturbation and sexual fantasies, which might sometimes involve myself. I am not currently comfortable with the idea of partaking in partnered sex, however.

Due to all of the above, I am still questioning whether I am asexual, greysexual, aegosexual (disconnected from the object of sexual desire - honestly, I am still struggling to fully understand this label and its bounds), orchidsexual (experiencing sexual attraction but disinterested in sex itself), something else entirely, or simply a sex-repulsed allosexual.

Any insight would be appreciated, thanks!

Hello, I am doing some research on this topic. Do you think that a 50 year old heterosexual male could be asexual and not aware? Or in denial of this?? I am not on this spectrum, so I genuinely am seeking to understand.

I have a new partner of a few months, and, he does not desire me sexually, despite him saying he does… He adores me and I adore him. But the sexual charge from him is just not there. He has disclosed nothing about this to me. He has even said he sex is so important and that he thinks about me all the time in that way- but he does not express himself in that way. I’ve tried to talk to him about our sec life, and the impression I get is he gets uncomfortable and feels insecure.

He does initiate sex about every other week, but, it’s not the usual we can’t keep our hands off of each other bc it’s only been a few months…

I’m just curious. We are also in a conservative area of the country with strong religious ties. I don’t know if it’s me, his upbringing, his age, or if he is asexual or struggling with him his sexuality. I’m afraid he is afraid to admit it to himself and wants to be sexual so he just goes through the motions.

Any feedback is appreciated

Hey guys, I only recently found out about this recently and a lot of the topics shared here match me quite a bit. I'm a 20 year old male and I'm a bit confused about myself. I have never been interested in sex or relationships for that matter. At first it never bothered me, but as I grew older it started to become more of a problem (to others) that I've never entered a relationship. Although I'm not repulsed or adverse to sex, it's not like I wouldn't want to try it out atleast once. My desire for these things have always been non existent since I was young. However, I have been dealing with depression since I was 10 or 11 which I know can lower your sex drive. Idk, anyone else in the same boat or similar? I'd like to know your thoughts.

I have been out of the dating scene for several years, but am dipping my toe back in. I'm a 42 yr old cis woman, and I've started seeing a 40 yr old cis man who I like a lot, which is mostly great!

Here's the thing: he is conventionally attractive and enjoys working out. I love that for him, but it does not excite me in the way he seems to think it would. He sends me muscly selfies, and I cheer him on because, good for him and his hobby, but I know he expects that I am attracted by them. He recently said (in a text) that he wanted to send me a nsfw selfie, and I said no thanks.

I do enjoy being physically affectionate with him, but it's the visual attraction that I'm pretty neutral about. We met on a dating app, and I did say on my profile that I was graysexual, and he asked me about that a little on our first date. There will definitely need to be more communication about what that means to me exactly, but it was at least acknowledged early on.

How do I tactfully clarify that I'll probably never want sexual selfies, and that even shirtless selfies aren't necessarily doing what he probably thinks they are for me? We have only been on a handful of dates, and my guess is he took my "no thanks" to mean I wasn't ready for that "yet." If it brings him joy to pick up something heavy and send me a picture of that, I'm happy for that to happen, but that picture will be for him, not for me.

Hi, I was reading the definitions that are listed on the side about grey sexuality, and I had a question about a few of them. I've spent a bit of time on the asexual subreddits, and some of the definitions that you have differ from them a little bit and I'd just like to learn a bit more about them.

I understand that they are not the be all end all on asexuality, but I just have a few questions about why things are different. Understanding how/why these different opinions occur is good to understand what is asexuality as a whole.

With definition B (Experience sexual attraction, but not enough to act upon it), I'm used to hearing that asexuality is about attraction not action. But the definition here would fall under action (lack thereof). So does action actually play a role here? Over there, they would shut down the suggestion of this falling under grey-asexuality, since they would shut down the idea of acting or not having anything to do with your sexuality at all. So why is it included here? Are they just a bit more gatekeepy over there?

With definition D (Anyone who identifies as sex-indifferent, sex-adverse, or sex-repulsed but may experience drive and/or attraction) I have two questions.

Question 1 is that sex-repulsed people can have a drive and still be counted? They always say that your drive has nothing to do with your attraction to others since they base it only on attraction to others.

Question 2 would be that sex-repulsed allos do actually count as grey-ace? When I asked before, they always said no, because if you have sexual attraction, you can't be ace at all, even though they seem to accept demi and grey-aces, who by definition have some level of sexual attraction. They said that grey-ace and demis are allowed because their experience with sexuality is different than an allo's, but a sex-repulsed allo would not have an experience different enough to let them under the ace umbrella.

That is something that I have thought that I might be, and having it fall under the ace spectrum is how I always thought it should be. It would make sense for me, but with seeing different definitions, it's hard to understand if I would actually would still be considered ace or what I would be considered. I know there is the whole "live your life without labels", which is good advice, but I also just like to learn more about them, you know? Thanks for any and all answers given.

Oops, forgot one more question. I've also seen people say that having a very weak attraction can count as greysexual. What is defined as weak attraction? I guess I don't understand what normal strength would be versus weak. Is it less of a desire to act on it? Do you only feel attraction to not full on sex but other things sexual (like touching down there)? Or what? I just really don't understand the weak part without understand what does not count as weak.

I identified as grey for some years, even when I started to have sometimes sex with the person I'm currently dating. I used to be someone that prefers to give rather than receive pleasure cuz having sex wasn't arousal enough

It's still hard for me to see a person and think that is sexy. I don't feel an urge to start something even if I'm in bed with someone I think is pretty. I was insecure when I tried to have a relationship with someone new (I'm in a polyam relationship) bcs I'm afraid of not wanting to have sex with all of my partners.

But now I think that the reason behind my preference to give was that I'm only into certain kinky things... :l Vainilla sex is enjoyable but I guess it's cause I love my partner, do that with anyone just sound borinnng

Idk if it makes sense to keep using this label

Perhaps I simply don't want to stop identifying as such so people don't say that "I'm cured"