Seeking insight into what choice to make-discussion of dysphoria and feeling hopeless
For transparency, I am a 29yo ftm(he/him), but my life definitely is more aligned with those in their thirties, it appeared as though it would be okay for me to post here, I hope that is the case.
I have been struggling a lot with if I should continue hrt. I have been on t for what is nearing 4 years now, have had levels tested periodically, have had top surgery, stopped and started weight training and cardio regimens, and I feel inconfident that I will ever successfully be perceived as a man. I do not feel as though I was wrong about being trans, or anything like that, but my dysphoria is so much worse now than it was when I was just closeted. It is incredibly painful to be trying so hard to be accepted and recieved authentically, and to constantly fail than to just be acceptable at pretending.
I physically have a very curvy figure, even post surgery. I have began to carry more weight in my stomach than I used to, but my hips, thighs, and backside are still huge. My voice has dropped a bit, but is still in no way perceived as being masculine. I am quite short, and my face is very structurally feminine as well. These are not helped by my mannerisms and being a very anxious, autistic person. I am never gendered correctly in public(save for my partner, my child, and some friends).
I live in the US, but I am fortunate to live in the PNW. I am a student and am constantly misgendered by the people in my program. This is largely not from what I can tell malice, but that they simply can not get over the mental block of seeing me as a woman. I know there is not a single way to be a man, but I feel as though I do not know how to train myself to perform masculinity in a way that is perceptible to other people. The way I have internalized my social roles and masked is very aligned with what is expected of women, and I feel lost on what to do, especially going into a human services field where it is very important to help others feel at ease with you.
I know it shouldn't matter so much, but it just makes the dysphoria and disappointment feel worse that I have essentially just become more conventionally unattractive over the course of my transition thus far while failing to obtain meaningful gains in the masculinity department. I in the past have definitely relied on my desirability to navigate social situations, so I understand that my concerns about this are more related to how my perceived value has diminished than vanity alone, and that is certainly not healthy either.
I would greatly appreciate any thoughts or insight, as I am having a rough time figuring out how to move forward.