u/GoodBloodGuideYou

I work 30 hours a week. My parents pay my rent. It's pathetic. My younger brother is living my dream job. The dream job I've had since I was 9 years old. I'm an overweight introverted minimum wage worker. Lately I've been accepting more and more how much I can't handle working. I have zero motivation to get healthier nor pursue my passions nor date anyone because I just dont care. I cannot bring myself to care. I'm lonely but I dont enjoy socializing. I hate the way I look but I have horrific problems with executing dysfunction and just sit around most days. I have no health insurance. I can clean my apartment, shower daily, do my own laundry, occasionally buy myself groceries (and never eat them) and BARELY survive working 30 hours a week.

I was an incredibly gifted, talented, skillful artist up until my late 20s. I had so many passions and I was great at them. Then my life completely fell apart. Got my diagnosis at age 31. Everything finally made sense for the first time.

...

I recognize I'm being incredibly hard on myself right now. When I have a bad day it feels like the negative emotions are permanent and will never go away. Some days I just wake up and it's a pretty good day. Some days I wake up and the entire day just fucking sucks. Not because anything overtly bad happens. I just feel bad all fucking day and NOTHING brings me out of it.

Tonight I think I had about 15 matches where the other player gave up immediately because it was a ZvZ. Wondering how unique this is to Z or if it's all mirror match-ups.

My parents were supportive of me. My dad was an excellent provider at a job he loved and my mom kept our lives organized and safe. They were fair. As long as I got good grades and stayed out of trouble they basically let me do whatever I want.

But they never took a genuine interest in me or what I like. They mostly hated the music I liked. They thought video games were a waste of time. They'd ask me a question and then talk over me and change the subject as I was responding. I don't really remember them even once approaching me to engage with the things I cared about on my terms. The couple times I tried turning to my mom for emotional support following a breakup she made me feel worse. She kept the house immaculately clean but it was so quiet and cold (physically and emotionally). She tried to force me to do sports several times despite knowing I am asthmatic, allergic to everything outdoors and very uncoordinated. My dad was the type of person whose idea of a "joke" was just insulting you to your face. Death by a thousand cuts. By their own admission my dad was the type of father who only wanted to be present for the fun parts of parenting and none of the difficult parts of parenting. Frankly I wouldn't be surprised if he is also autistic.

Edit: forgot my mom actually did hit me and my brother a few times (spankings as punishment) so that was fucked up.

My general manager at my job ONLY SMELLS BAD! She has never once had a neutral or good odor. Her stink fucking LINGERS in a spot after she walks away. I don't even know how to describe the smell.

I recognize the irony here in that many of my fellow autistic comrades really struggle with showering but I'm sorry I think it's unacceptable to force other people to suffer in your presence as you constantly reek. 🤢

I can't believe I let my best friend live here (a 700 square foot 1-bedroom) for 5 months while he was between apartments. It only took 2 months for me to become utterly miserable of that situation. I get to do whatever I want now!!

Tomorrow I'm paying a maid service to clean my place for the first time. I'm a moderately clean/neat person but the bathroom could use a power wash and I've never tried a cleaning service before so why not? After that I'll probably work on music, watch movies and play video games. Then Wednesday I'm seeing Queens of the Stone Age for the first time with a couple friends.

I experienced more trauma between late 2022 and late 2025 than my entire life prior and it fucking destroyed me. But 2026 has finally brought simple, quiet peace and joy. Still got a lot of work to do but... today was good and I feel good. Here's to more days like today.