u/GrandBullfrog6243

My grandpa was diagnosed with dementia about a year ago, and his behavior has progressively become more unpredictable and difficult to manage. He and my grandma live alone. 5 Years ago they moved into one of their “vacation homes” in the middle of nowhere, limited access to medical care.

Over the past year he’s started doing destructive and confusing things around the house like duct taping windows and air vents shut, coloring on furniture with Sharpie, letting their indoor cat out and bringing the wrong cat back in. He’s also become increasingly aggressive and confrontational at times.

Recently he caused a major scene at a family wedding after aggressively confronting another guest, yelling, cursing, and breaking things. It got to the point where family felt unsafe. My grandma refused to remove him from the situation and another family member ultimately had to drive them home.

My grandma completely refuses outside help. Family has offered every compromise possible, moving closer to family and doctors, hiring private caregivers, moving in with us, ect. They can absolutely afford support, but she insists on handling everything herself because she says he’s “happy where he is.”

At this point it feels like everyone is just waiting for a major crisis to happen. Has anyone dealt with a situation where the healthy spouse refuses all help even when the dementia patient is becoming unsafe or impossible to manage alone?

I was raised by my paternal grandparents, though my biological parents are still involved in my life. About 5 years ago, my dad lost his job and couldn’t afford his house anymore. My grandparents are very well off and own multiple properties, so they offered for my dad to move into our family home. (a large house with a walk out basement apartment.) The original plan was that my grandparents would mostly stay at their “vacation home” about 2 hours away and come back to the family home part time. Then once they got older and needed more help, they would move back permanently into the basement apartment so family could help take care of them.

The problem is that the vacation home is basically in the middle of nowhere. There’s one grocery store within 30 minutes and no hospital or doctor within an hour. The weird part is that my grandma has openly said multiple times over the years that she actually hates living there and wants to move back. But she wouldn’t do it because my grandpa loves the “vacation home”. She often puts his wants over every one else.

About a year ago, my grandpa was diagnosed with dementia. As soon as he was diagnosed, my dad and I sat down with them and gently brought up the idea that it was probably time to move back. At that point they were already driving a 4 hour round trip multiple times a week for doctor appointments. My grandma completely refused and said my grandpa “loves the quiet there.”

Over the following months, his dementia started becoming a lot more obvious. He began doing strange and destructive things around the house duct taping windows shut, painting wooden floors, using Sharpie to color scratches in leather furniture, and throwing away important items, ect. We tried talking to my grandma again and explained that nobody was trying to take over her role as his wife, but that she clearly needed support. Again, she refused and insisted she wanted to care for him herself “as long as she can.”

Then a few weeks ago things got much worse at my wedding.
My grandpa got into an altercation with another guest over basically nothing and got in their face aggressively and cursed and broke things. We asked my grandma to take him home, and she said she couldn’t. My dad ended up “kicking them out” and drove them home. Honestly, that situation scared me because if she insists on being his only caregiver, how is she supposed to safely manage situations like that alone in the middle of nowhere with almost no nearby medical support?

Recently My dad and I tried talking to her again. We told her we completely understood wanting independence, but this clearly isn’t sustainable anymore. We even offered compromises helping them find another house closer to us, hiring a private caretaker so she wouldn’t feel like family was “taking over,” basically anything to make this easier on her. (They can afford another house and private care.)
She refused all of it.

Her reasoning is that moving would upset my grandpa because he’s “happy there,” but the reality is he barely remembers anything anymore. He literally does not remember I got married, but somehow he does remember my dad yelling during the wedding situation. Ever since then, both my grandma and grandpa have been cold and rude to my dad, even though he was trying to help.

What makes this even harder is that my grandma has started avoiding us entirely instead of talking things through. My dad mostly just keeps trying to reason with her, but nothing changes. At this point I genuinely don’t know what we’re supposed to do. Do we just wait until there’s a major crisis? Is there anything family can realistically do when someone refuses help like this?

I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, and I just need to vent. Please don’t try to force positivity. nothing is going to make me feel better right now. I’m hearing to much of it from my family.

Before the wedding started, I was actually calm and excited. about 30 minutes beforehand, guests kept coming into the room I was in to take pictures even though I didn’t want anyone to see me before. Every time I asked someone to leave, someone else would come in.
Then right before the ceremony, I looked outside (it was an outdoor wedding) and saw the groomsmen already down by the seating which is not what we planned at rehearsal. They were supposed to walk from the reception venue down the wedding. Somehow, my husband and the groomsmen ended up walking down the aisle early from 5 feet behind the isle because they saw my maid of honor walking… but she was actually going to get them, not start the ceremony. She couldn’t turn back, and everything just spiraled.
I had to walk down the aisle without my veil or dress being fixed. There were other small issues during the ceremony, but honestly, I was willing to forgive all of that and move on.
Then it got worse.
During pictures, my maid of honor disappeared and didn’t help me with my dress or veil at all. The photographer gave us zero direction. No posing help, nothing. We had already agreed to take photos with both sides of the family, but he acted annoyed and only took one quick picture of each side.
When we got to the reception, the plan was for everyone to be inside having drinks and playing games while we finished photos. But instead, half the guests had already started eating. The ceremony was only about 15 minutes and photos were less than 30, so we were only about 45 minutes into the whole event.
When we sat down, I realized no one was in their assigned seats and my parents and grandparents weren’t even near us. At that point, everything hit me at once and I was trying really hard not to lose it.
We ate, and I started to feel a little better, but then I was pushed to cut the cake early because my grandfather (who has dementia) had already eaten some dessert. The photographer clearly wanted to leave, so we rushed through the bouquet toss and did a fake send off where we drove around the block. We made it clear we were coming back to keep celebrating.
When we came back, people were already cleaning up. I thought, okay, maybe they’re just clearing plates and we’ll move tables to dance like planned. I went to the bathroom for maybe 5 minutes with my mom.
When I came back, half the guests were outside, the tables were being cleared, and all of my flower arrangements had been thrown away.
I asked what was going on, and people said they were “cleaning up.” I said the wedding wasn’t over, but no one listened. My dementia grandfather, who can’t hear well, thought I was arguing with him and started ripping down ceiling decorations.
That completely broke me. I ran off crying.
While I was in the bathroom trying to pull myself together, he apparently started throwing things and got in my husband’s grandmother’s face. When I came back out, half the guests had already left.
We ended up asking my grandparents to leave and just cleaning everything up ourselves. When me and my husband went to leaving after cleaning up the car we were supposed to leave in was gone. (For context my grandparents own a lot of cars and planned on lending us one for our wedding the “send off car”. They drove a different car to the venue)
We spent so much money on this wedding, and it lasted maybe two hours. I feel sick thinking about how much money was wasted. I didn’t even get to keep anything no flowers, nothing to press or remember it by. Which is probably good it was literally horrible.
I feel like I’m in a nightmare I can’t wake up from. I can’t stop crying.
And to top it all off, my hair got so matted that it took me, my mom, and my sister three hours to detangle it. Now I have large chunks missing out of my hair.
I’m married, and I love my husband, but I’m so hurt. I don’t even know what to say when people ask about the wedding, I go back to work on Tuesday. I can’t force my self to be positive.