u/Great-Truth82

Am I gaslighting myself?

I am 39F and divorced for 4 years. I have been dating 46 M for 2 years and need a little perspective. This is my second relationship since being divorced. I own my own home, have a good job and support myself and share custody of my son with his father. My boyfriend also has a child from a previous marriage and we don’t live together. When we first got together he was the first to say that he was only sleeping with me that he only sleeps with one person at a time that exclusivity was important to him. He was also the first to tell me he loved me. He pursued me invited me on a vacation to meet some of his friends at their wedding etc. he is very attractive and we had so much fun together that first year. He planned things, was interested in my family and child. We went on trips had good sex enjoyed cooking together. We had lovely conversations and it all seemed great.

Things feel so different now and I don’t know if it is me not seeing things clearly, that he is just not into it anymore, normal settling in to a longer term relationship or something else. We pretty much used to spend every weekend and weeknight together that we didn’t have our kids. And when we did have the kids we would still get together for dinner or game night etc fairly regularly. One night at his house about a year in he said that I couldn’t stay the night that night because his daughter just wanted the house to themselves that night. She is 15 and he has been split up from her mom for like 8 years or something. Then it turned in to that I can never spend the night when the daughter is there (week on week off). Now even when we don’t have our kids he doesn’t want to spend the night Sunday or really any day during the week because he has to get up early for work. His work schedule has not changed. He says that he tried that for a year and that he just doesn’t get good sleep with me and that it’s better for him to just sleep by himself in his own bed. I have told him it feels like something changed and he says that he loves me that he is just a better person when he gets sleep. We occasionally spend the one or two nights together every other weekend now and that’s about it.

He never plans things anymore. I feel like I have to beg to hangout. When I try and talk about what would be a good day or night to hang out on the week we don’t have kids he says he isn’t sure or that “it works if it work” or that “we will figure it out later” When we actually do spend time together that all feels different too. It’s like I feel lonely even when we are together on vacation. It also feels like he never wants to have sex. He claims to like it but he is always too full or too tired or some other thing. Even on vacation we barely have sex and any type of intimacy or affection. Any time I bring this up he says that he does do those things but that I “just want more and more” and what he does is “never enough”. I get that some people sleep hot or whatever but is it really too much to cuddle me for 3 minutes when we wake up in the morning when we are on vacation? There is never a good time. At night he doesn’t want to cuddle on the couch because that will make him sleepy. When we go to bed he just wants to go to bed and I can’t touch him at all. In the morning he either has to go to the bathroom and then immediately gets up and makes coffee no good morning kiss or anything or he wants to sleep and somehow me cuddling him a little in the morning after he has already slept 9 hours is annoying him. Whenever I try and talk to him abonar these things be says he does like being affectionate but that he doesn’t really need that and “you’ll be fine”

It is my 40th bday fairly soon and he will go but I have to pay for the Airbnb myself plan it all out and pay for any gas or activities. He thinks he spends plenty of quality time with me and says other than his daughter he spends more time with me than anyone else. I guess I just sometimes feel more like some kind of buddy than his girlfriend. He seems to prioritize friendships with other people over me. Here is an example…If we meet up with a friend of his he will spend that whole time talking to that friend, asking them questions being really engaging etc. then when we get home I am thinking ok nice we can finally have some quality time together maybe god forbid have sex. However in his mind he has just spent a ton of time with me (the time i am completely ignored while he talks to his friend) and wants to just watch tv and veg. (Spread out no touching). When i ask if he is still into it he says yes that he is giving me what he can but that he needs someone with their own life. I have hobbies friends go to the gym and take care of my son every other week. When i try and ask him in his ideal relationship how often would he want to have sex or want to see each other or spend the night he says he just doesn’t think that way. I don’t have to see him or spend the night every day but we already go a whole week where we have our kids and no overnights. Am I wanting too much to at least have the whole weekend together and maybe one other weeknight every other week?

TLDR I feel like I’m being made to do with less and less affection love care consideration over time and he feels like I am too demanding or that what he does is never enough. If I push too hard on it then he just says well if you aren’t happy then be with someone else…it’s making me crazy. Is there something wrong with me? I just want him to want to hold hands or initiate something every once and awhile.

I am 39F and divorced for 4 years. I have been dating 46 M for 2 years and need a little perspective. This is my second relationship since being divorced. I own my own home, have a good job and support myself and share custody of my son with his father. My boyfriend also has a child from a previous marriage and we don’t live together. When we first got together he was the first to say that he was only sleeping with me that he only sleeps with one person at a time that exclusivity was important to him. He was also the first to tell me he loved me. He pursued me invited me on a vacation to meet some of his friends at their wedding etc. he is very attractive and we had so much fun together that first year. He planned things, was interested in my family and child. We went on trips had good sex enjoyed cooking together. We had lovely conversations and it all seemed great.

Things feel so different now and I don’t know if it is me not seeing things clearly, that he is just not into it anymore, normal settling in to a longer term relationship or something else. We pretty much used to spend every weekend and weeknight together that we didn’t have our kids. And when we did have the kids we would still get together for dinner or game night etc fairly regularly. One night at his house about a year in he said that I couldn’t stay the night that night because his daughter just wanted the house to themselves that night. She is 15 and he has been split up from her mom for like 8 years or something. Then it turned in to that I can never spend the night when the daughter is there (week on week off). Now even when we don’t have our kids he doesn’t want to spend the night Sunday or really any day during the week because he has to get up early for work. His work schedule has not changed. He says that he tried that for a year and that he just doesn’t get good sleep with me and that it’s better for him to just sleep by himself in his own bed. I have told him it feels like something changed and he says that he loves me that he is just a better person when he gets sleep. We occasionally spend the one or two nights together every other weekend now and that’s about it.

He never plans things anymore. I feel like I have to beg to hangout. When I try and talk about what would be a good day or night to hang out on the week we don’t have kids he says he isn’t sure or that “it works if it work” or that “we will figure it out later” When we actually do spend time together that all feels different too. It’s like I feel lonely even when we are together on vacation. It also feels like he never wants to have sex. He claims to like it but he is always too full or too tired or some other thing. Even on vacation we barely have sex and any type of intimacy or affection. Any time I bring this up he says that he does do those things but that I “just want more and more” and what he does is “never enough”. I get that some people sleep hot or whatever but is it really too much to cuddle me for 3 minutes when we wake up in the morning when we are on vacation? There is never a good time. At night he doesn’t want to cuddle on the couch because that will make him sleepy. When we go to bed he just wants to go to bed and I can’t touch him at all. In the morning he either has to go to the bathroom and then immediately gets up and makes coffee no good morning kiss or anything or he wants to sleep and somehow me cuddling him a little in the morning after he has already slept 9 hours is annoying him. Whenever I try and talk to him abonar these things be says he does like being affectionate but that he doesn’t really need that and “you’ll be fine”

It is my 40th bday fairly soon and he will go but I have to pay for the Airbnb myself plan it all out and pay for any gas or activities. He thinks he spends plenty of quality time with me and says other than his daughter he spends more time with me than anyone else. I guess I just sometimes feel more like some kind of buddy than his girlfriend. He seems to prioritize friendships with other people over me. Here is an example…If we meet up with a friend of his he will spend that whole time talking to that friend, asking them questions being really engaging etc. then when we get home I am thinking ok nice we can finally have some quality time together maybe god forbid have sex. However in his mind he has just spent a ton of time with me (the time i am completely ignored while he talks to his friend) and wants to just watch tv and veg. (Spread out no touching). When i ask if he is still into it he says yes that he is giving me what he can but that he needs someone with their own life. I have hobbies friends go to the gym and take care of my son every other week. When i try and ask him in his ideal relationship how often would he want to have sex or want to see each other or spend the night he says he just doesn’t think that way. I don’t have to see him or spend the night every day but we already go a whole week where we have our kids and no overnights. Am I wanting too much to at least have the whole weekend together and maybe one other weeknight every other week?

TLDR I feel like I’m being made to do with less and less affection love care consideration over time and he feels like I am too demanding or that what he does is never enough. If I push too hard on it then he just says well if you aren’t happy then be with someone else…it’s making me crazy. Is there something wrong with me? I just want him to want to hold hands or initiate something every once and awhile.

I am 39F and divorced for 4 years. I have been dating 46 M for 2 years and need a little perspective. This is my second relationship since being divorced. I own my own home, have a good job and support myself and share custody of my son with his father. My boyfriend also has a child from a previous marriage and we don’t live together. When we first got together he was the first to say that he was only sleeping with me that he only sleeps with one person at a time that exclusivity was important to him. He was also the first to tell me he loved me. He pursued me invited me on a vacation to meet some of his friends at their wedding etc. he is very attractive and we had so much fun together that first year. He planned things, was interested in my family and child. We went on trips had good sex enjoyed cooking together. We had lovely conversations and it all seemed great.

Things feel so different now and I don’t know if it is me not seeing things clearly, that he is just not into it anymore, normal settling in to a longer term relationship or something else. We pretty much used to spend every weekend and weeknight together that we didn’t have our kids. And when we did have the kids we would still get together for dinner or game night etc fairly regularly. One night at his house about a year in he said that I couldn’t stay the night that night because his daughter just wanted the house to themselves that night. She is 15 and he has been split up from her mom for like 8 years or something. Then it turned in to that I can never spend the night when the daughter is there (week on week off). Now even when we don’t have our kids he doesn’t want to spend the night Sunday or really any day during the week because he has to get up early for work. His work schedule has not changed. He says that he tried that for a year and that he just doesn’t get good sleep with me and that it’s better for him to just sleep by himself in his own bed. I have told him it feels like something changed and he says that he loves me that he is just a better person when he gets sleep. We occasionally spend the one or two nights together every other weekend now and that’s about it.

He never plans things anymore. I feel like I have to beg to hangout. When I try and talk about what would be a good day or night to hang out on the week we don’t have kids he says he isn’t sure or that “it works if it work” or that “we will figure it out later” When we actually do spend time together that all feels different too. It’s like I feel lonely even when we are together on vacation. It also feels like he never wants to have sex. He claims to like it but he is always too full or too tired or some other thing. Even on vacation we barely have sex and any type of intimacy or affection. Any time I bring this up he says that he does do those things but that I “just want more and more” and what he does is “never enough”. I get that some people sleep hot or whatever but is it really too much to cuddle me for 3 minutes when we wake up in the morning when we are on vacation? There is never a good time. At night he doesn’t want to cuddle on the couch because that will make him sleepy. When we go to bed he just wants to go to bed and I can’t touch him at all. In the morning he either has to go to the bathroom and then immediately gets up and makes coffee no good morning kiss or anything or he wants to sleep and somehow me cuddling him a little in the morning after he has already slept 9 hours is annoying him. Whenever I try and talk to him abonar these things be says he does like being affectionate but that he doesn’t really need that and “you’ll be fine”

It is my 40th bday fairly soon and he will go but I have to pay for the Airbnb myself plan it all out and pay for any gas or activities. He thinks he spends plenty of quality time with me and says other than his daughter he spends more time with me than anyone else. I guess I just sometimes feel more like some kind of buddy than his girlfriend. He seems to prioritize friendships with other people over me. Here is an example…If we meet up with a friend of his he will spend that whole time talking to that friend, asking them questions being really engaging etc. then when we get home I am thinking ok nice we can finally have some quality time together maybe god forbid have sex. However in his mind he has just spent a ton of time with me (the time i am completely ignored while he talks to his friend) and wants to just watch tv and veg. (Spread out no touching). When i ask if he is still into it he says yes that he is giving me what he can but that he needs someone with their own life. I have hobbies friends go to the gym and take care of my son every other week. When i try and ask him in his ideal relationship how often would he want to have sex or want to see each other or spend the night he says he just doesn’t think that way. I don’t have to see him or spend the night every day but we already go a whole week where we have our kids and no overnights. Am I wanting too much to at least have the whole weekend together and maybe one other weeknight every other week?

TLDR I feel like I’m being made to do with less and less affection love care consideration over time and he feels like I am too demanding or that what he does is never enough. If I push too hard on it then he just says well if you aren’t happy then be with someone else…it’s making me crazy. Is there something wrong with me? I just want him to want to hold hands or initiate something every once and awhile.