u/Great_Hedgehog_8529

(22F) secretly lived with my boyfriend (23M) for 9 months while doing my master’s. He’s a Chinese international student and paid our rent and holidays. My British Indian parents don’t know we lived together and don’t want me living with a man until we’re married. I ran away to go on our planned LA trip, and now my parents are begging me to come home, promising they’ll still let me go tomorrow because they just want me safe. I’d actually prefer to stay home, get engaged next year, get a full-time job, then move in—but my boyfriend says he won’t wait and we’ll break up. He’s worried that I’ll be controlled by my parents although I’m an adult, even though he’s fully aware of cultural norms.

Am I being unreasonable?

I’m a 22-year-old British Indian currently doing my master’s degree while working part-time. My boyfriend is 23, Chinese, and comes from a very wealthy family.

When we moved in together, he wanted us to live together and offered to pay the full rent, which we’re both agreed on. Before that, he bought me a small car (around £3,000) because he doesn’t drive and thought it would make it easier for us to travel together. He’s also paid for several holidays. Although the money ultimately comes from his father, his father is fully aware of these expenses, supports our relationship, and has even said he plans to give my boyfriend £1 million towards our first home when we get engaged, which we hope will happen within the next year or two.

Outside of finances, my boyfriend is incredibly caring. He cooks for me, encourages me to pursue my career, respects my independence, and has never been controlling or pressured me into anything. We genuinely enjoy being together, make each other laugh, and see our relationship as a partnership—not one built around money. I’ve never expected or demanded that he pay for everything; he chooses to be generous, and I value him for who he is, not for his wealth.

My parents didn’t know we had been living together. After my classes finished, they asked me to move back home temporarily, so I did. While I was there, I mentioned that my boyfriend and I were going on another holiday that he had already paid for.
They reacted extremely badly. They called me a gold digger, accused me of freeloading, and said I should be ashamed of accepting so much from him. My mum then gave me an ultimatum: she said she doesn’t want me travelling with or living with a man until we’re married, and that if I go on this fully funded trip with my boyfriend, I can never step inside the family home again. She even said she’d happily let me go on holiday with any female friend or with my dad, but not with my boyfriend.

She also argued that my boyfriend has “nothing going for him” and that I’m not financially stable. While it’s true I’m still a student, I’ll be starting a full-time job within the next two months. My boyfriend is also in a position to provide financial security, although that’s not the reason I’m with him.

My boyfriend sees things very differently. He believes that if I continue allowing my parents to dictate my decisions, they’ll always have control over my life. Because he wants us to build an independent future together, he’s also given me an ultimatum, saying that as an adult I need to make my own choices rather than letting my parents decide for me.

I don’t believe I’m using him. He freely chooses to support me, and we’re both happy with the way we’ve arranged our finances. We love each other and are planning a future together. However, my parents are so convinced that what I’m doing is wrong that I’ve started questioning whether I’m missing something.

For context, I’m currently living at home while I finish my master’s degree. My mum recently bought me a car, and I don’t have much in savings yet. My boyfriend comes from a very wealthy family. We briefly lived together at university, and we’ve travelled together before. When I told my mum we were planning a trip, she asked me if I had any shame accepting things for free. He has already bought the tickets.

My boyfriend genuinely loves travelling and wants to share those experiences with me. We’ve also discussed possibly living in LA in the future, so travelling is partly a way for us to explore places we’d consider living. He always tells me not to feel guilty about him paying because our financial situations are different, and to him it’s completely normal.
He’s Chinese and has said that, in his family and culture, it’s common for the man to provide financially. He’s even talked about buying me a car once we’re engaged and eventually purchasing a £1 million home for us. He has never asked for anything in return, never uses money to control me, and gives me complete autonomy. I don’t feel indebted to him at all.

We’re in a serious relationship and plan to get engaged within the next two years. I don’t see his generosity as me taking advantage of him—I see it as two people contributing differently while we’re in different stages of life. I’m focused on finishing my degree and becoming financially independent.

Am I being naive, or is my mum’s reaction unreasonable?

I’m 22 years old and finishing my master’s degree in psychology. Lately, my mother’s need for control has been driving me absolutely insane.
I value cleanliness and good hygiene, and I understand the importance of keeping the house tidy. For example, we vacuum the house every day and wipe down surfaces with antibacterial spray, which I think is perfectly reasonable.

However, it often feels like her standards go far beyond normal cleanliness. She noticed that I forgot to clean the toilet paper holder and the flush button for just one day and gave me a lengthy lecture about it. She also expects me to vacuum the kitchen every single time I use it—even if I’m only making a cup of tea. On top of that, we’re not allowed to leave anything on tables. I once left my Stanley cup on the coffee table, which otherwise only had a tissue box on it, and she said it made the room look messy.

The need for control also extends beyond household chores. Although she doesn’t restrict what I wear or prevent me from going out (I’m generally free to stay out until around midnight), she still tends to treat me like a child. For example, she’s uncomfortable with me having sleepovers and has been resistant to my decision to move out, despite the fact that I’m 22 and finishing a master’s degree.

Am I being unreasonable, or does this level of control and insistence on cleanliness seem excessive or maladaptive?

For context, I (F22) am in the final 2 months of my master’s degree and I have been living with my (M23) boyfriend for 9 months. We have dated for 1.5 years. He is a Chinese international student and is quite wealthy, he doesn’t ask me to pay rent and offers to cover all of my expenses. He even bought me a small car and put it in my name. He has never asked for any money in return and never asks anything of me.

My British Indian parents think I was staying with a friend for university and demanded I came home yesterday otherwise my Father would pick me up from my apartment. I am now home and my Mother says I should keep a permanent full time job for a year and have some savings before I move out. She hates the idea of me “living off” my boyfriend even though he would likely still pay if I work full-time.

My boyfriend and I plan to get engaged at the beginning of 2028 after he finishes his masters degree, and his Father is planning to buy a house for us for £1,000,000. I told him this is a cultural standard that my parents want me to stay home until I’m married for safety concerns and to ensure I’m financially stable. He said if I choose to stay home then we should break up. However, my Mother wishes that I stay home to save money until the engagement.

I don’t want to lose contact with my parents, my Mother paid my tuition fees and tries her best. I also love my boyfriend and he provides me safety and stability, he is like the male version of myself and I doubt I will find this again in my life. Since I haven’t finished my degree yet I’m only working part time but my boyfriend offered to pay for my expenses if things went badly with my parents.

What should I do?

For context, I (F22) am in the final 2 months of my master’s degree and I have been living with my (M23) boyfriend for 9 months. We have dated for 1.5 years. He is a Chinese international student and is quite wealthy, he doesn’t ask me to pay rent and offers to cover all of my expenses. He even bought me a small car and put it in my name. He has never asked for any money in return and never asks anything of me.

My British Indian parents think I was staying with a friend for university and demanded I came home yesterday otherwise my Father would pick me up from my apartment.

My boyfriend and I plan to get engaged at the beginning of 2028 after he finishes his masters degree, and his Father is planning to buy a house for us for £1,000,000. I told him this is a cultural standard that my parents want me to stay home until I’m married for safety concerns and to ensure I’m financially stable. He said if I choose to stay home then we should break up.

I don’t want to lose contact with my parents, my Mother paid my tuition fees and tries her best. I also love my boyfriend and he provides me safety and stability, he is like the male version of myself and I doubt I will find this again in my life. Since I haven’t finished my degree yet I’m only working part time but my boyfriend offered to pay for my expenses if things went badly with my parents.

What should I do?

To begin with, my boyfriend and I attended the same university for our undergrad and we became a couple. He comes from a wealthy background so he always pays for everything, including now our rent.

A month after dating I found out that he had responded to a Twitter post which offered private images to be sent via DM. I confronted him about this and he said I crossed a boundary by searching for his name, but later we both agreed that consumption of such material is fine as long as there is no payment or messaging. However, after this I realised that he is probably consuming this excessively. A year later, he cannot ejaculate during sex unless using his hand (death grip) and I found out that he is using Telegram and redownloaded Twitter. These are both the top two apps from Siri Suggestions which shows that he is probably consuming them way too much. I know that he was probably interested in paying for this content before we dated, because I saw a message he enquired to 1 person on Twitter and when he was using his laptop with me I saw in the history 'escorts/call out girls.' He is an international student from China and I am British Indian, so I always feel insecure. He has never complimented me before, but shows up with gifts.

During this year, he mentioned his father would gift him £1,000,000 for us to get a house together after he graduates from his master's degree and said we should consider moving to the US or Australia. I said I would probably move back home after graduation so I can save money for a phD/towards future, and also I don't want him to pay for my rent anymore since we haven't been dating for so long. He does not work and attends university 2x a week. I would be driving ~30 mins to see him a few times a week. However, he said he does not want to deal with 'long distance' and we would end up breaking up. I couldn't understand why he can't put any work into the relationship since he has no responsibilities, and I would be the one to gladly travel the short distance to see him. I stayed firm with my decision and said we should break up because Then, he said he would pay for my rent and begged me to stay. I still insisted on saying no but he continued to cry and agreed to try. Later, we went to McDonald's and he told me to order my own food since I wanted to be 'equal' and then told me to pack my bags. As I began packing he cried and begged me to stay.

Currently, he has put an offer for a new apartment. In the last week, he has picked me up from work to surprise me for a meal. However, he got into a mood and didn't eat or drink anything. I ate by myself in front of him in silence whilst he went on his phone. He said he hates going to crowded places because of his social anxiety and I just hated that he took it out on me. He often gets irritated and will ignore me when I try to talk about it with him.

On the other hand, he is a very nice person. He pays for our rent because I am currently doing a Master's degree and work part-time on the weekends. He always surprises me with my favourite tea and cooks daily. He even bought me a car for £3700 because he doesn't have a license, I always drove him whenever he needed and even for some 4hr trips. Unfortunately, the car got written off and the insurance offered £5500. Since it was a gift, I offered him the £3700 and I would keep the rest to put towards a new car on my own as I will be starting a full-time job soon. However, he couldn't understand why I should keep the money so I offered to give him everything.

At this point, I feel that our relationship has drained me as it progresses. My final exam is tomorrow so I'm not sure if I want to move back to my parents and try to date or just break up. Any advice from an outsider perspective?