u/Greginaldo

Both of my grandfathers cheated on my grandmothers, my dad serially cheated on my mom, my friend’s dads cheated on their wives (sometimes attempting to do so with me and other teens), and I have just found out I’ve been cheated on for the entirety of my 5 year relationship. From the very beginning after one of the first boundaries I ever communicated to him was to just please dump me if he was going to cheat. And he was nice!!! He cooked, he cleaned, he was good to my family and friends, he never raised his voice at me. Anyway, I am feeling so doom and gloom about men being capable of being faithful. Can men share stories about being faithful to their long term partners? Are men ever faithful?

Dday was 5-6 days ago now. It hasn’t been a full week. I always thought I’d be the type to immediately decide to leave if I found a partner was cheating. I’m making him move out regardless of whether we stay together or not, but deciding what to do is so so hard. Here are the facts.

Our relationship: We’ve been together almost 5 years. He has been cheating for almost that whole time. We have no kids, no house, not married. We do have a dog together. And, other than the cheating, he was really good to me. Kind, understanding, never yelled. He’s funny and sweet. Good to my family. I did feel a little unfulfilled intellectually and conversationally. So we were in couples counseling for that and communication in general. I don’t doubt his love for me, and I still love him a lot.

The cheating: He was messaging women early on in our relationship, but said he never cheated with them physically (I didn’t even find out about the messages until 5 days ago). He has been cheating on me with men for a specific fetish for 4 out of the 5ish years. He says they never had penetrative sex. He did not tell me on his own, I found out because he handed me his phone to buy him a birthday gift. He initially tried to lie until I cornered him. But he has been so apologetic since, has not blamed me for anything, takes full accountability. Says he wants to do therapy. But also we had been a couples counseling for about a year already, and he had never come clean. Actively lying during sessions whenever I had doubts. I also, very early on, communicated to please just break up with me if ever he felt the urge to cheat. And he took that as a sign to hide his behavior better instead of as the boundary it is.

My past: My dad is a sex addict who used to watch porn on the TV while me and my siblings were in the room. He serially cheated on my mom. They stayed together until I was 12. Living in such a weird, tense house has been extremely formative in bad ways to me now lol. I’ve been in therapy for that and other things for years. So my partner cheating and repeatedly lying about it is especially triggering. But I have some sympathy for him.

Anyway, please send advice my way. I feel like I should take this as a warning and leave while we have no logistics forcing us together (kids, money). But also he was so good to me and I love him so much. And now I have more evidence that all men cheat, so should I stay with a cheater i at least like? Ugh

Dday for me was literally 4 days ago. And everything is so confusing. I have lots of trauma from a sex addict father. I always thought I’d just leave as soon as I found out. But I’ve been with my partner nearly 5 years and, other than this, everything was good. And he was always so kind. He still does act kind, he hasn’t blamed me once. But he also knew about my trauma and I told him at the start of our relationship to please just leave me if he was ever going to cheat. So. His cheating has only been with this one specific kink (as long as he’s telling the truth). He’s cheated on me nearly the entire time. I don’t know if I want to leave or stay. I’m making him move out regardless so we have space to process. But I also wonder if there’s a third option. Have any of you become platonic friends with your SA? If so, how did that go?

Tldr: Have any of you broken up with but stayed friends with your SA partner?

Before anything, I’m leaving him. We’re breaking up. I’ve (20sF) been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years, and I just found out he’s been cheating on me for nearly 4 of them. I found out because he gave me his phone to buy him a present from his wish list. The cheating has been related to one specific sexual act/fetish that I wasn’t doing for him. But I didn’t know he’d go somewhere else for it. He expressed it as an interest, but not a deal breaker. Anyway, what I need support on is even though he betrayed me and I’m so sad, it’s like I still love him. He’s crying, he’s so apologetic, he’s been honest with me about details since I found out. And instead of all the bad moments throughout our relationship, I keep thinking of the good ones. We weren’t perfect, but we were happy and loved each other. I think about the mornings we’d wake up together, cuddling in bed. I think about one day we were traveling in Boston and he was looking at me, with a small smile. And I jokingly asked “are you thinking about how lucky you are to have me?” He said yes. I’m thinking about the way he’d hug me so hard whenever I was upset. How he hates me talking negatively about myself. How kind he is to my family. Ugh!!!! And he’s still acting like his sweet, kind self I thought he was even now that I know about the cheating. I have to leave him, and I will. But we have to live together until he finds a new place. And it’s so hard not to love him still. He’s still him, you know? And we loved each other so much. I still want to spend time with him and comfort each other before he goes. Before it’s all over.

Tldr: my boyfriend has been serially cheating on me for at least 4/5ish years we’ve been together. I broke up with him, we will be separating. But I still love him a lot. How do you stop loving someone who hurt you so much, when they still look and act like the person you’ve always loved?