u/Gretnablue

I've been posting quite a bit here the past month, I've been trying to push myself to be more open about myself outside of my close friend group, to feel more comfortable calling myself a lesbian and a trans woman in public (albeit online) spaces. As a massive shy introvert and Autistic, this has been really difficult for me to do, especially because of groups like Reform and the UK Government making harder and harder to be openly Trans here.

It's been really nice seeing so much positively, seeing other lesbians happy and feeling wanted. I wish I had the confidence to come out to my parents and make the big steps, but this reddit has really helped me with my confidence so I'm hoping I can do it soon.

Thank you!

I just watched the Star Trek episode "By Any Other Name" which has the Kelvans, an galactic empire from the Andromeda galaxy preparing to leave their galaxy because it will become uninhabitable in 10,000 years due to increased radiation slowly killing all life there (the episode ending with the implication the Federation will send the Kelvan Empire a proposal to join and colonise the planet from the beginning episode).

Has that ever been followed up in Star Trek canon or any other ST media? Feels like that seems like it would a big issue for the Milky Way and other nearby Galaxies there being a massive exodus of alien species because given what we've seen from Milky Way, their might be hundreds or thousands of warp capable species in Andromeda eventually trying to escape; like that could cause many issues such as mass refugees, wars, territorial pursuits and all the other issues. Wouldn't the Federation want to study what's causing Andromeda to die and figure out if that issue won't or will affect the Milky Way? Wouldn't we want to help them?

Is Andromeda doomed?

(CW: Discussion of porn and conversion)

Like I realize why for a lot of it, people don't respect lesbians, our sexuality is just titillation for many people, but it frustrates me it's so normalized. Like it's okay men can declare and openly lust about wanting to convert lesbians and you can't call them out on it or you're treated like the bad one and accused of "kink shaming". It annoys me that so much porn is based around lesbophobia and openly treats sexual assaulting lesbians or coercing lesbians is okay (and once again people act like you're the bad one for criticizing the porn industry because people treat it as above critique).

That and just normal bigotry of people who just don't consider lesbians real, both straight people and depressing people within the community who think it's okay to declare that lesbians and gay men aren't really gay, but just "confused" bi or pan people, that we should have an asterisk beside out label (and to be clear, it's repugnant the other way round as well, bi and pan people aren't confused, respect people's identities).

Sorry for the vent.

I've loved fantasy since I was a kid but there is a pattern that I can't help but notice, that fantasy works they will refuse to use the word at all. We can exist but never allowed to be called lesbian or other terms etc. This is an issue with so much media but fantasy and High Fantasy in particular annoys me because there is an argument I've seen in online circles over and over against ever using our terms, that saying lesbian in a fantasy setting is not realistic.

It's easy to just say these are just "fans" getting mad, except I see progressives pull this as well, I've seen actual creatives, even ones of progressive shows like Arcane (I really like that show and love V so I'm not insulting the show) pull this and... REALLY!? Yes because in a world with dragons, Elves, magic etc... the term gay is too far and "lore breaking", please; and in my experience the term lesbian REALLY winds people up. If the term lesbian used in a high fantasy film, game or RPG annoys you, I'm not going to trust you.

I often feel like a bit of a killjoy for not liking words like bitch, slut or whore. It feels like wlw spaces the bitch in particular feels like a common words, especially as a term of endearment. I get it, reclaiming words used by men to degrade is good; but I just don't like being called that, bitch especially because of trauma and bad experience of emotional abuse and bullying I suffered for year at School.

My friends are pretty chill and good with this and respect my boundaries when it comes to this. To be clear I'm not bothered when other women, WLW and Lesbians especially call themselves bitches or sluts or call others those words when it's clear their okay with it. I just don't like being called those terms, they feel degrading and I don't like being degraded.

So how do I make it clear to other women that I don't like those terms, especially when it's not intended to be offensive but friendly, or endearing or like a women in a chat going "Hey bitches!" to all their friends? I'm an Autistic shy introvert, I don't like conflict and really struggle to speak up in public or in groups, especially where I worry I'll get shunned or treated like I'm just a miserable person. This is especially true for WLW space because I don't like the idea of making another lesbian or WLW sad, I don't want to ruin something Lesbian spaces for other people. Or if it's a relationship thing and they call me that in bed?

Which gets to the other word I don't like being called but one I know others don't consider degrading and I don't know whether I should bring it up; Sub. I don't like the idea of being called this, I'm not in BDSM, I don't like or want to be in a dom/sub relationship and I do not like the idea that just because I'm autistic and shy and introverted, I MUST be a sub. This again stems from a lot trauma I have. AGAIN I want to make it clear I'm not against others calling themselves subs or enjoying sub/dom relationships, I just just don't like being called that.

I've discussed elsewhere on reddit and friend circles about my frustrations and worries about dating and bed stuff, but there is something in particular that frustrates me, the idea trans women like myself should or are automatically into kinky stuff or BDSM and something I must embrace and I just don't.

I don't like the idea of pain, I don't like the idea of being slapped or spanked (was physically assaulted a lot in my childhood due to extreme bullying) and I especially do not like people touch my neck let alone my throat. I hate the idea that I should like being called "b***h", "w***e", "s**t" etc, I don't like those words. I don't like the idea of being a "sub" or a "dom", top or bottom etc, why can't it be equal (it really does feel like I'm expect to pick one). I don't like the idea "controlling" or being controlled, to like forcefulness or being grabbed etc etc etc.

To be clear, I'm not against people enjoying this stuff if their into it, good for them, more power to trans women who love BDSM or kinky stuff.

But it feels like I'm expected to, whenever I look for discussion about trans women or lesbians (I am a lesbian) not into kink or bdsm, I instead get crap tons of Reddit treads about trans women and lesbians who love it, constant unintentional pressure that their is something wrong with me for not being into kinky stuff. Whenever I see people like Jessie Gender and others discuss sex positivity for trans people (which is good and needs to be done more often), rarely does it get brought up that some trans people may not be into kink, the assumption always feels like I would automatically feel inclined to be. And when it comes to cis women, some cis women when I see them discuss how hot they think trans women are can come across the same with cis men declaring the think lesbians are hot; feels like I'm just a fetish to them not a person, that if I don't fit their kinks, I'm not of any worth to them; or Cis women casually just declaring all trans women they know are kinky.

It can feel very isolating, it feels like I'm a weirdo or lesser for being into vanilla (edit: removed something that in hindsight felt needless and petty) stuff.