u/Grim-Speck

I recently ordered 1 dwarf Arkansas Black Apple and 1 dwarf Golden Russet Apple from starks so they can pollinate eachother. I was going to also get a dwarf winesap (my SO & my favourite, which was the real reason for the other 2) but they were out of stock, so I'll get it next year. Plan was to train the 3 apples esplanade style.

Unfortunately, despite correct order info on the invoice, I only got the Arkansas Black and an unwanted semi-dwarf Bartlett pear - I loath Bartlett Pears. I have only liked 3 pears I've ever tried (and I've tried a lot): seckle, forelle, and some cultivar my Grandfather had when I was a child that I don't know the name of.

Other than complaining to the company, what should I do with the Pear tree?

Note: if it stays here, it's staying in a pot & yes I have overwintering space. But is there any point to keep it/experiment with it, or should I just get rid of it? I don't have transport, so I can't deliver it to a garden co-op or something like that.

I'd like to make a blanket for **summer** use on our bed. What is the best yarn for this? Cotton, bamboo blend, something else? Will the yarn choice be enough, or should I choose a pattern with eyelets for for airflow?

Also, I was hoping to add designs (eg: a green/blue square with red poppy flowers- not every square, but periodically) but I don't want yarn that floats for 3 or 4 or more stitches (our toes would get stuck in it, or the dogs' toes might). The only way I've done this before was by hiding floats inbetween 2 panels on a double rake loom. I'm afraid that even using cotton/bamboo/other, using a double rake might still be too hot in summer. Maybe i could sew those floats down afterwards with similar coloured embroidery thread? I've a ton of that in different colours I could match. Or should I just skip the multicolour floral design and save it for a winter blanket?

I grew up (ages 0-16 (1976-1992)) hearing and speaking a little Polish. When exposed from infancy, the language sounds get locked into your brain before even understanding the words, the grammar before understanding the rules. My Polish was approx every other weekend with my grandparents; both were from Białostockie, Grodno; my grandfather Tutejszy and Grandmother raised on an osada in Podczernicha. (This was pre-wwii, and they couldn't return. 1. That area is now Belarus, and 2. they'd have been labelled traitors and returned to the gulag or executed (my grandmotherxs father was a wójt; both he and my grandfather were in Polish 2nd corps aka Ander's army)

When I discovered my local college had Polish language classes, I signed up. But I felt like I was accidently dropped in a similar but different Slavic language class. I was constantly told I was pronouncing certain sounds wrong or using the wrong case- even though I *know* that's exactly how it was spoken by my grandparents.

My Grandfather, who encouraged my learning most, died when I was 16 (but I never learned much reading/writing back then); my grandmother essentially gave up speaking after my Grandfather died, with sole exception at the Polish Deli, which I'd driver her to maybe a few times a year, so I know how to order pąnczki, kielbasa and suspiciously large amounts of Mak. Asking her how to say some usually met with "just say it in english", "you don't need to know", or if I was lucky, a one word translation for a single object. Still, when I spoke some Polish when she was dying (2018) she lit up "you remember!".

My mother was raised bilingual but has her own heritage learning problems. They moved from the Settlement Corps to America when my mother was <1 Yr. They enrolled her in a local Polish Catholic school with Polish weekend lessons and of course, Polish at home. I did some research, and the Polish taught in the school/community was heavily influenced by migration waves in the 1800's with mixed in American vernacular, so there was already a disconnect there. She is ***convinced*** her mother was trying to sabotage her by telling her different pronunciations from what was taught in school. At one point she went so far as to hire a young Polish speaking cleaning lady, and would ask how to say various things, then say "see, she's a native speaker; I knew mom always was sabotaging me telling me the wrong way!" (But "mom" (that is, my grandmother *was* a native speaker, just a dialect that is essentially dead, and the cleaning woman was speaking standardised modern Polish)).

I feel a lot like when I was in gradeschool and was given "A for effort, F for spelling" because my Grandfather helped me with reading/writing English (where did he learn English? In the Resettlement Corps in the U.K.!). If one teacher just explained Brit vs American spelling to me, I'd not have spent most of my school years certain I was learning disabled at best, Stupid/lazy at worst.

While I now understand why I had cognitive Dissonance in the Polish class I took, it's not the same as the English spelling problem. I can generally use *colour, centre, jewellery*, etc (unless autocorrect doesn't have a UK version and "corrects" my "mistakes"), but flip back to American English (*color, center, jewelry*) if I know I'm going to be judged on that.

The difference is that AFAIK, my grandparents dialect is dead. I can't code shift between "do it like this in class, do it like this at home". My mother rejects the language. She stopped using Polish all together, stuck with English, and "adopted" my father's Italian "culture". When he died in 1994, she abandoned *that* too. I have no siblings, no known living relatives on that side of the family. There's no one to talk to.

I constantly have the memory of a dead dialect in my head, and having learnt why Polish quickly became so homogenised, it triggers all the sentiments I heard slip out unguarded or overheard whispered by my grandparents as a child, and then researched as an adult.

I know it's not the fault of common Poles or language teachers when they speak/teach the standard version, but there's still a feeling of identity erasure because of the history and lack of anywhere to code-switch. Plus I haven't been exposed since 1992, and the words/phrases I know don't transfer well to adult discussions. I know how to ask for cookies & milk; I know a handful of basic feelings, that aren't enough to express adult feelings/concepts. But the pronunciation and grammar is still hardwired in my brain just enough that learning new words/expressions sound "off", and if I tried to apply my past learning to present day learning, I'd probably come off as uncultured swine.

I tried researching how this is dealt with, and articles or AI all give advice I can't use: there's no family/community to code switch with. There are some recordings, but they make me more "sad" (not quite the right word). I can't read/journal in the dialect because I was only taught speaking/hearing, and what i know is still too childish to express my adult thoughts/feelingd. I can't teach it to the next generation as I'm an only child with no children of my own, no friends with children, no friends interested in it.

Despite all that, I still want to learn (standard) Polish. I just don't know how to overcome this rift- both the cognitive dissonance of my memory not matching the taught version. Also the historical gut reaction of erasure I picked up from my grandparents.

Has anyone been through similar (regardless of dialect), and how did you deal with it?

Eta: clarified a timeline issue.

Eta: dialect identified in chat as Poleszury. I'm currently googling for that and found some recordings. Is this the best I can hope for while overseas, or is there any kind of cultural groups/language revival known, or pockets of speakers (in or outside Poland) online? There's no way I can travel for several years, and I want to learn the standard Polish as best as possible before that, without the cognitive dissonance that's causing me confusion. "Keeping it alive at home/community" (while learning the standard in class, is recommended for heritage learners). But as said, everyone I knew is dead. If there is any community online, that would help a lot! Maybe I'll find something with the new search word, but if anyone happens to know and point me faster, that would be very appreciated! The recordings are at least better than nothing though, even if the make my sad, because I can check my ear and remembered vocabulary without slipping into "maybe I remembered wrong, maybe I'm made it up, maybe I'm hearing wrong and I'm just stupid" I've a long history of the "stupid" belief because of the Brit/American spelling problem, and I'm trying to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Thank you all!

I currently have an SSD payee. We've agreed it's best this arrangement be ended (not switching Payees but no longer being required to). I've read about the process on the SSD website but it doesn't really give me enough info.

Has anyone gone through the process to longer be required to have a payee (no matter if you were successful or not)?

What was the process like? What kind of questions were you asked/what do you need to know? Was it 1 person, a panel? How are you scored/evaluated?

How long does it take to get an evaluation appointment; how long to find out determination?

Do supporting letters from doctors, therapists, help? Or any other kind of documentation?

If you passed, did it trigger a review of "are you still disabled"? If so, what is that like? ETA: conditions are: Autism, ACC & hEDS; I got SSD as a "child" in my teens. I'm now 50.

Any other input on topic I'm not thinking of welcomed. Thanks!

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